To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

Bedtimes are really hard at this age. But suddenly it all gets a lot easier. Hang in there if you can, particularly if you enjoy teaching. If you don't, then now may be the perfect time for a career re-think. For what it's worth I'm a professional who took a career break for 4 years when the kids were little. It was a bit tight financially but I enjoyed the break and I enjoyed getting back to work when things were easier

Your refusal to accept what the problem is, your husband,will result in the problem continuing.

You won't tell us what job he has for some bizarre reason.

It's short sighted to think you're the one who has to give everything, when you don't seem to be even considering the ways he can retain his salary whilst helping you.

Flexible working.

The higher up someone is, the EASIER it is to work flexibly.

If you can't communicate with your husband about this, beyond ways of you bending to suit, then the problem is that both of you think he is superior in the relationship. And that doesn't work out well.

Thanks. I had a really bad night - bad week really - of sleep and feeling daft and tearful

It isn’t helpful when people assault your spouse on minimal information. It just isn’t.

Not sure why OP has posted for help but not answered any questions that would get her effective help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Get on MSE to sort out your outgoings. Get some time away where your DH steps up and sorts the kids out so he can do it more when he’s working.

If you can switch to tutoring or supply work do that till you’re over the hump.

DH and I have always had equal focus on our careers. Neither of us gets to opt out of parenting.

You are the one giving minimum information op, rendering it impossible without speculation for posters to help.

Give up work if you can afford to - this time with your DC is so precious.

One of the few bits of info OP has given suggests they can’t afford it.

Sorry I don't know how to respond directly to you. I interviewed for three of these companies (who are either paid by the school or the local authority). Targeted provision and Tutor Doctor are the ones I got the jobs for. The rate of pay is between £20- £30 per hour. Targeted Provision pays you as PAYE, whereas with Tutor Doctor you are classed as self employed. I work solely with them, and therefore I'll have to set up my own private pension. I never have a shortage of work, and there is availability to work either online or in person. My bosses are lovely and so relaxed. Working 1:1 with the kids has also been great. Hope this helps.

OFC it isn't.

It always bemuses me when the MN chorus goes "Childcare is a shared expense...", "Make him do half"... yadda, yadda. I mean, those are very admirable aspirations, but clearly some people a) have never been in certain financial situations (but lots of us have) and b) have fully healthy, reasonable and compliant spouses (which many women simply don't have).

You know what the immovables are in your situation and what the budget looks like. Ignore anyone who isn't taking that onboard.

The “quote” button…….

The “quote” button…….

On the app, you slide the comment you want to reply to leftwards and the quote option appears. Then you type your reply in the box.

Ok here’s the deal.
If you were the higher earner you would still be doing at LEAST 50% of the childcare. I bet you would. In fact I bet there are women in your husband’s organisation earning more than him who do more housework/childcare than your DH.

At the moment you are doing your work, housework and managing the kids 7 days a week.
Your husband I suspect is doing work and SOME housework (I sincerely hope) across the same 7 days.
If we are to accept that work is not just paid work but everything that goes into a family and that neither of your work hours can be cut shorter then the answer is that HE has to step up. He can do this in one of many ways.
He can wake up earlier, do the laundry, Hoover, make packed lunches. Batch cook on weekends. Take the kids to the park so you can get prep done. Or he can contribute a portion of his salary to outsource this work.
Or he can have a defined thing like bedtime that he does every single day with no excuses.
Ideally he would do all three! And you would find that your life would be easier…

But the other two options are that OP stops working all together an they lose her entire income and any pension contributions and career progression/pay rises or she runs herself into the ground trying to do too much whilst her husband just has to go to work, come home, eat, sleep and repeat. Neither of those options are advantageous for the OP. They can't afford to not help each other but her husband won't do it because his job is so very important and his wife and children aren't.

Loads of people, especially teachers, are genuinely trying to help-can you give more than the minimal information?

have fully healthy, reasonable and compliant spouses (which many women simply don't have).

Why don’t they though? Because they do everything while on mat leave and husband thinks that’s how it will always be? How do so many women apparently sleepwalk into this?

I’m juggling two children. I’m using the thanks button as a lot of people have been helpful but honestly some haven’t with the insistence I have a crap marriage.

Fair enough. Most people asking questions have asked ones that might help with finding a resolution

Are you primary/secondary? Part time or do you have a jobshare? Could you go down to two days easily-would that work financially? (often with childcare costs, it doesn’t make too much difference).

Your DC are still really little OP, no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed.

You've had some great ideas here - sometimes you need to stand back and look outside the box to find what works for you.

Why is it you coping with everything? Your DH needs to pull his weight. I can’t see it takes hours to do bedtime unless SN. In bed, story and door shut in our house.

You don't know what he does, who he works for, what his commute is. You can't guarantee anything.

You know that not all kids are the same? I know that is a bit of a revelation on MN as almost everyone seems to think what works for them works for everyone but it really doesn't.

How did I guess it was teaching? This is the first time in many years I haven't had my own class and I'm actually enjoying my Bank Holiday Monday.

And for those saying the dh should pull his weight, my dh worked abroad for years so was away during the week. At other times he commuted to London or similar. Not all jobs are flexible.

Why do you need to know what her husband's job is? OP knows what it is, she isn't stupid so if she says that isn't the answer accept it. There are all sorts of jobs that just aren't flexible, maybe he's a junior doctor working 80 hrs and week and on call, maybe he's the captain of a submarine and is away for six months at a time. We don't need to know.

Exactly this.