To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

You have no idea what he earns or what our outgoings are @MeowCatPleaseMeowBack

wont help much at the moment but I had 22 months between mine and the first 2 years were a nightmare, they’re at such different stages that juggling both was a continual struggle, it’s gets a lot easier when they get to 2 and 4.

You say you can’t afford any extra nursery time but if you could get half a day then you’ll still be better off than quitting your job.

I know exactly what you mean about the cleaner, had a great one but when she retired the next few were pretty poor and ended up easier not to bother.

Make sure your dh is picking up most of the chores at the weekend, yes he’ll be knackered but so are you.

Don’t expect too much of yourself atm, focus on just doing enough on all fronts, it will get a lot easier with time xx

It would be helpful to know what the DH's job is. There are lots of jobs that require heavy commitment: law, accountancy, medicine (some roles), pilot, investment banker etc. Usually they raise enough fkr the partner to give up work or for generous child care. My DH was not available when the dc were small. I gave up work for 7 years. It worked for us.

DH earned £30K I earned over 5x that. I still managed to do my fair share. Come home do dinner and bed then do another couple of hours once the DC were asleep.

I could go to bed at 10:30-11 to be up at 5:30/6am with the DC. DH could do a late feed or nappy change at 12-1am if needed and be up by the time I needed to leave for work. He would drop the DC off on his way to work.

We were very organised (which doesn’t come naturally to either of us). We had a standard “uniform” of nursery clothes so getting ready was quick, changing bag always repacked, meals batch cooked including DC portions etc. I even sorted all my work clothes on the weekend hung on hangers with underwear so it was grab and dress.

You will get there.

that's not true, it's actually really hard to find people who are looking for full time work, especially women.

What does your week look like currently ??

what kind of hours does your husband work and what’s your childcare situation / drop offs pick ups ??

i felt similar recently but we focused on sorting my 3 year olds sleep out over a few weeks and now things are much better wee are able to leave her to it and bed time has gone from 2 hours to 20 mins

maybe find one thing at a time to fix and try get a proper routine that works in place

@itfeelsstupid can you leave teaching for a year or so and instead be a teaching assistant, I know it sounds daft but 2 of the teachers at the primary school my DC went to did this as it kept them in education but it was far less stressful for them . My friend is a teacher who was in your position too and she left teaching for a while and went back when her children were older .

I was listening to a radio 4 program about some female economist - she looked at why women careers were stalling and she identified time sink jobs - it was very hard to maintain two time sink jobs in a relationship - then her DH apparently pointed out another time sink life event that badly affected women - motherhood ( don't think they were parents themselves or least not then)

The options were outsource more or one or both time sink careers are changed.

It essentially sounds like you are doing two time sink jobs - motherhood and teaching with your DH doing the third - no wonder you are struggling and it's likely unstainable without some cost long term.

Short term - outsource cleaning and whatever else you can long term look at trying to go sideways career wise - one or both of you - to less time sink jobs. Not sure where ex teachers go - tutoring and supply may be options or move back to teaching when kids are older and less demanding or another area entirely.

I was thinking this, assuming that she likes teaching kids of a reasonable tutoring age. It must pay at least £30-£40 an hour, so easy to make up a £27k salary.

I’m a teacher and work two days, three would be too many for me with young children.

I knew this was going to be teaching as soon as I read the OP! In my experience, teaching even part time only works with younger children if you have the right circumstances at home.

I can teach full time because DH is home by 4.30 most days and deals with cooking, food shopping and all house jobs apart from general cleaning and laundry. In laws do before and after preschool for 3yo DD, including breakfast and tea. 5yo DD is at my school, so comes with me and uses breakfast club at school. DH makes her a packed tea to eat in my classroom while I work after school. I catch up on planning etc when the chidlren are in bed.

So many little things that are needed to ensure that I can do my job; if you don’t have support in place then you’ll of course find it hard. If you can afford to not work, could you afford to maybe take a TA position for a few years while your chidlren need you? I know lots of teacher parents who have done that, then returned to part time teaching once their children are teens.

So husband can't physically be there but could he pick up some of the extra life admin, is he home for bed time, could he make grocery lists for the family etc.

I find that most of the time I'm just overwhelmed with decisions. All day at work, all day at home, when I'm sleeping. I just want someone else to say this is what is happening or this has been done. Planning and thinking ahead is draining.

If he earns 97k they should be able to pay help.
If earnes less I suspect it is not as high stress job as he makes it sound.

Most men play the same "oh my job is so important I cannot do anything else in life".
If I were OP I'd go full time and take from both incomes to pay for wrap around care, cleaner and meals. You will be less stressed that way and since you both work FT you can spread rest of hime chores equaly.

I really don't get why some women go from lower paid careers, to part time to stay at home which provides them with zero security.
Bcs trust me, if he divorces you, you will see crumbles of his high pay and be stuck without career.

He doesn’t quite earn 97, but not far off.

However we do have very high outgoings at present for a variety of reasons.

Everyone saying to outsource stuff like cleaning, wouldn’t it be cheaper just to pay for more childcare? A childminder is half (or less) of the price of a cleaner or gardener.

I did this (not without a fair degree of stress) but you MUST get the bedtime routines sorted out. It’s entirely reasonable to expect tea, bath, bedtime story or two and then bed, where the kids sleep right through, with the exception of illness of course.

Would supply be able option OP? A friend of mine has just left teaching full time in favour of supply teaching and she is so much happier now.

Take a breath OP @itfeelsstupid

1. You have a 1 and 3 year old! That is SO hard regardless of what else is going on. Just recognise you’re surviving this stage and it will get easier.
2. you are doing ‘part time’ teaching - but teaching is very full on and energy intensive regardless of how many days you do (with side work as you say). Could you look at a teaching adjacent job where your educational experience is useful but not as full on? e.g. job in council education / administration of a school or educational materials development. more office work. It might be dull but it will be easier for a while.
3. If you CAN afford ANYTHING to make your life easier - cleaner, few hours of extra childcare via a minder or friend - take it in the short term and recognise you need it right now.

You can’t generally do childcare for just an hour or two though, like you can get a cleaner/gardener. You’d probably need a whole morning/day which for two kids is expensive.

OP

He doesn't need to go part time, he just needs to step up more. That's the difference.

It is possible. I earned more than that as single parent and did everything.

I've not read the full thread, but if you're able to teach English/maths, a great, flexible job may be tutoring those students who have been excluded from school as a tutor employed by one of the many agencies specialising in this. After teaching mainstream for 16yrs, this is what I now do, and it's amazing what a difference it has made to my wellbeingand ability to cope with being the main parent. It is so flexible and relaxed. It was a big pay cut, but worth it.

Can I just pick your brains a little and ask more about how you got the job and who you are employed by-is it a local agency or a national company? Is it full time/every day? Also, what about pension contributions?

Just stay home. Let him keep paying the bills and all the extras etc. If you are in a real marriage, you should feel ok about this.

We have done it. I was home stay for many years and although volunteered and was doing things like courses and so on, never missed money for anything. My husband paid for the courses also - an adult course cost from 100 to 200 for a whole term and fills your time with learning, skills, seeing people and so on...so when you need to go back to work, you are not isolated nor lacking skills

If leaving would be better for you right now, then leave. Next year you might feel differently, or might not, but you will never get this time back. Definitely discuss with your husband how this will work financially, but take the best decision for you now, you have no idea how things will turn out in future. (Also I agree about cleaners - outsourcing is great in theory but in my experience always creates more stress!)

OP ages 1 and 3 are really tough! No matter what your job, although teaching does seem particularly challenging

Is there any flex in your actual work? Can you reduce your hours? Change your timetable? Lose a responsibility? I’m not a teacher so apologies if it’s not relevant at all, but presumably if you went to your head and said you were considering leaving if things didn’t improve then they’d be motivated to at least try and help you in some way.

Are both kids with you on your 2 off days? Can you put the older one at least in nursery for some of that time. I found just having one kid a lot easier and the little one would be happy going to the supermarket and going for a walk and then would take a long nap. It was just a lot easier

What hours is your DH actually out of the house? Is there no scope for him to change his hours or wfh on an evening or anything so that he’s home earlier and can help with the bedtime grind. Even if he leaves for work super early in the morning or works longer hours on your off days.