To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

Try supply :-)

The fact is he is providing for his family the best way he can

Is he though?

Why is it that men get to go to work and nothing else.

Whereas women go to work and do the lion's share of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, laundry and life admin on top.

If you're happy to carry on like that, crack on. But if you're not, you're right to question whether things should change. And not necessarily to the detriment of her career and independence.

@itfeelsstupid

The reason why you are getting a lot of questions about your DH, these are my thoughts.

I personally am beginning to think there is some kind of coercive control going on.

Your DH is a priest? Vicar (no because there are female vicar) or an imam?
So maybe there's a religious or 'traditional' element going on here.

Was there always the idea that the children were 'your thing' and he just did his paid work but no childcare or running the home?

His salary is very good, but not enough for you not to have to work or pay for a cleaner? Why? Why are your outgoings so large when you presumably planned to conceive your 2 children?

These things all concern me (and because of your evasive posts and you over-defending your DH who I don't think is being criticised) just questioned why you guys decided to have a family with no childcare support but you still needing to work and seemingly no response/changes required from him?

Does he control all the money coming in from his salary and has he commited you to very large outgoings eg flash house/flash car/debts/gambling/supporting other family members?
Because I personally feel those behaviours are financial control. And so does MN in general, which I why we keep digging at you, sometimes women can't see what's happening to them and that the dynamic isn't fair because "he's a good husband/father"

Spot on

Exactly.

Supply is no good with small children and no one else to look after them. Sometimes there is travel/traffic involved and you might only get a phone call at 7.30am for availability and have to dash out the door.
Long term supply is different of course and planned in. It’s ideal if you teach a popular subject and can make demands yourself on what you will work.

When did she retire?

Working, with children, is hard work. It always has been. It’s a case of working out some sort of routine.

And what were his full time + commute times?

Dh did a lot when dc were small, but his commute was 20 minutes and he worked 630-4ish. I did breakfast and drop off. He did pick ups and tea.

I just find it odd how if I said

I do the school pick ups. I cook dinner, wash the clothes and iron the uniforms. I do the food shopping and the DIY, car maintenance and some pretty major building work in the house whilst also working full time.

then I am married to an abusive bastard but if your husband does all that it’s no more or less than he should be doing

(fwiw it’s not the case at all, I do nursery pick up and drop offs but the rest is as fairly shared as it can be given I’m home more.)

So why can't he do anything around the house when he gets home? Presumably he wanted children too so why all of a sudden are they your responsibility only? I don't buy this "his job is so important and he can't possibly help or support me outside of work hours" what was the discussion before kids come along?

If you're insistent that you and only you can do all the housework, childcare and everything else then you'd be better off being a single parent.

FYI my husband is a high earner, however once he logs off for the day, he has to contribute to the house and family life, same with me.

Find me the post where I said he does nothing at home @YellowphantGrey

I seriously think half of you have been reading a different thread.

Two posts yesterday that you left. One saying everything falls to you and that you've no support.

You then did another post where you said everything falls to you because he's hardly there

Neither of those suggests he pulls his weight or helps to make your life any easier.

You then go on to say he's away for periods of time but then say he's home by 730. What does he do when he gets home?

And what is it your struggling with and not supported with? You've not actually said other than sniping at people

I didn’t say that, though? I said it’s rare somebody would leave their partner struggling, then I pointed out things he could do in his work breaks.

At no point have I said ‘he does nothing at home.’

I will snipe when people make up nonsense (which is the politest way I can put it) and then use their own lies to berate me with; I think that is reasonable to become as you put it ‘snippy’ then.

There is a huge difference between ‘DH has a long commute which means he leaves at 7 and doesn’t get home until after around 730, so I’m on my own with no support’ and ‘DH does nothing when he is at home.’ I have said the first of the two. At no point have I said the second.

So what does he do when he comes in at 7.30?

Sorry, am I on trial at the stand?

See we can help you in one of three ways:

• we can say yeah it's tough, it'll get easier. 3 and 1 is hard. And you just want to vent to us. Commiserations. We get it.
• Or we can say yes it's fine to be a SAHM if that's what you choose. Will you actually be less tired then though?
• Or we can say, in terms of practical solutions, we have a few- cleaner, batch cooking, meal planning. But all of them will require your husband to contribute either financially or practically or both.

In response you told us that he worked relatively standard hours but had a long commute (which was still a 7-7 day which is long but probably as long as yours).

Most importantly, as I said in that long post I think where I gave you our family's hour by hour break down, ultimately this is not a solution that should be up to you. You need to sit down with your husband, and work out what is negotiable, and what is not. And most importantly what is equitable. If you insist your life is equitable, and he's doing everything humanly possible (aka not sitting down after work till all jobs are done and giving you time to plan/prep for class and doing extra on weekends etc), then perhaps break it down into tasks, and time and see how you can be more efficient. Two kids, a reasonable joint salary, and one not working full time is hard but shouldn't leave you at breaking down point. Clearly you can't devote any more hours to parenting/family life without absolutely collapsing so lay it out in a chart and see who needs to do what. And don't forget to include the mental load (costumes, parties, gifts, has the baby gone up a nappy size etc).

It was a long post @MangshorJhol and not all of it applies to us. I am sure it will be fine. Unfortunately the thread has gone from me having a panicked moment of stress to me being married to a lazy bastard and I haven’t noticed without the wisdom of MN (and yes that is sarcastic but some of the posts here have been awful.)

From teaching? At 60. She’s been consulting for the last 9 years.

This thread isn’t getting anywhere. PP are constantly repeating themselves and we’re going round in circles.

You are not on trial.
You’re perfectly entitled to have a rant because you’re stressed, but you shouldn’t be getting upset when PP ask you what your DH does to assist with childcare and household tasks, in order to share the load.

Question: What does DH do for the family when he is at home?

Not every single detail of my life has to apply to you. But just like in threads where someoen says my baby doesn't sleep and people list out solutions, I was listing out the cadence of our day to make two points. One a more philosophical one about distribution of labour and the unseen load that goes into parenting with two working parents and two small children.

The other was a more practical point about both parents 'working' the same amount whether that's paid work or family work. But the idea practically was to show you in a way that perhaps might demonstrate to you how other people do it, that what works practically is often both really relentless planning and discipline, and genuine equity on a day in and day out basis.

It doesn't mean btw that I wasn't tired when my first born woke up every 90 mins through the night. But I didn't feel alone, and didn't feel like his sleep was my problem alone to solve.

And there is a gap between your DH being a 'lazy bastard' as you put it and doing what the vast majority of men do which is leave the emotional and mental labour to their wives, and end up with far more 'off time' and 'leisure time' than their spouses. How you achieve equity in this is up to you or maybe you decide that it's fine not have equity. But at least you should know why it is you are at breaking point while as far as we know your husband isn't.

I think the reason the thread isn’t going anywhere is because rather than ‘don’t be so daft, of course you can do it!’ it’s become an assault on DH, who has done absolutely nothing wrong. It’s stupid as he doesn’t care but it’s still horrible seeing someone you love and is very good and does so much for his family painted in a horrible light. I’d probably feel the same if anyone was saying unpleasant things about my parents / you just feel like you have to defend them.

Of course not, but how can anyone give advice about how to manage your load when you won't say what your DH is doing presently?