To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

😂

@Iwasafool yes of course, but I would still count teaching as a career (even if the politicians don't)

The obsession over what he does is so tedious. Why does it make my problems different?

You claim to have all the answers, when I (nicely enough) point out you don’t, then you resort to spiteful ‘biting’ wit like the above.

I honestly wish I hadn’t started the thread. I just feel as if within a few posts it became an attack on DH, who has done nothing wrong, as well as an attack on me. There are some supportive posts and thank you but overall it’s been really unpleasant and far from feeling supported, it’s just been pages after pages of demanding that I share my husbands work, salary and role and when I don’t do so it’s because he must be able to do more, do more, do more. Fuck it, he should be able to teach my lessons, shouldn’t he? Lazy bastard being at work Only according to Decluttering who has been fucking harassing me for pages now his work is related to his penis because actually his role only does have men at the moment.

The children’s nursery only has women working there at present. I guess they are tit models aren’t they? Because any place that only has women working there must focus entirely on vaginas or breasts.

See how disgusting that comment that at least one of you is spluttering in mirth about is? It’s not funny; I am pretty disgusted by it actually. I won’t bother coming back to the thread, I really do have better things to do. Grow the hell up

@itfeelsstupid

I think the thing is that you are bound and determined that your DH should not be lifting a finger to help you because 'long hours and big pay'. Is that what he tells you to justify his level of involvement?

Before he leaves in the morning at 7 there are plenty of things he could do. When he gets home around 7 in the evening there is plenty he could do, too. I agree that since you work fewer days than he does you'll have time and should do more, but he should be doing a proportionate share, at least on your workdays and weekends. Yes, it's harder when they're out of town, I've been there, but some things can be 'shifted' to when they'll be home. Unless he's Forces, rig worker, or an airline pilot and is gone for weeks or months at a time. Then you just have to suck it up and put things off until your days off. Or pay for someone to do it.

I worked full time and when DH was working out of town or working shifts until 1 am, I can remember my days of doing housework in the evening after the DC were in bed. Throwing a load of towels or sheets (because who cares if they're wrinkled) in at the crack of dawn & into the dryer before leaving for work. When DH was home we both pulled as a team in the evenings and at weekends. Your DH could clean up the kitchen or run the vacuum in the evening. He could fold laundry in the morning, tidy a room, or pack lunches. Why do you think he shouldn't be doing this? Not being snotty, I'm really interested to know.

So no, he doesn't have to 'go part time' or 'give up his job'. He just has to pitch in, or pay for someone else to do 'his share'. I'm not saying he's a 'bad husband'. Just perhaps a lazy one or one who needs 'retraining'.

Not once have I said he shouldn’t lift a finger. Not once. It’s really weird how posters keep insisting I have said this when I haven’t, I genuinely find this really, really odd.

Op have an internet hug from me. This is a rough time due to the ages of your kids and you’re clearly someone who gives your all to you career and your kids and wants to do the best job you possibly can.

It sounds to me like you are worried about failing at work because of all the pressure on you. The thing I always suggest for parents returning to work after maternity leave is that the other parent makes a commitment that they will be responsible for all sick leave cover for the DC for the first 6 months. That parent generally hasn’t had to take any time off for sick leave cover for the previous year so should have a good amount of leave built up and it allows the parent returning to work to focus on getting back into the swing of things and build good will in their workplace. Can your DH commit to doing this (except if he is on a work trip obviously). Then you’ve got one less thing to worry about.

As a couple you will need to adjust your routines while you get used to being back at work but it is doable. Thousands of other parents do it. Let him know that you are feeling overwhelmed and need some support from him. He will know where he can assist. Just ask him. He’s your partner. He won’t want to see you struggle. I wish you all the best.

What about the fact women get pregnant and are the ones to breastfeed and get maternity? And actually there does need to be a primary caregiver. Everyone does things differently but I don’t think it’s fair that a woman does these things and it’s seen negatively. A man does these things and a woman works 24/7 and that’s ok. It’s going back to not giving women a choice.

It’s ridiculous and posters like to make everything black and white and extreme. Just do what’s right for you op.

Well, I stopped feeding my DC myself at a year, so past that point no default parent.

You’ve said nothing about it. What are we meant to infer from that?

Why did you start this thread? What did you expect/hope to get from it?

You say you don’t want to give up work, but you’re overwhelmed and nothing anyone suggests about how to lighten your load gets responded to. And now it’s all my fault. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The children’s nursery only has women working there at present. I guess they are tit models aren’t they? Because any place that only has women working there must focus entirely on vaginas or breasts.

Stop being so myopic. There are <shock horror> male nursery workers. Maybe not at your children’s nursery but they do exist. As do female oil rig workers, pilots, politicians, service people etc.

The point was that there will be women in other companies doing whatever your husband does who support more than him at home. Unless your husband’s job involves his genitals.

You’re so resistant to any suggestion that your husband could help more that you can’t even understand what people are saying.

It’s not your fault at all, but you’ve been both provocative and antagonistic throughout it, including in the post quoted.

I have explained a few times now that I started the thread in a bit of a stress. I’ve had several bad nights and am feeling a bit anxious and worried about work and returning.

You have twice made really quite gross comments that to be honest made me feel uncomfortable. The dildo one was awful.

You keep baiting, asking the same questions over and over again and demanding to know things that (bluntly) are none of your business.

I may have been unwise to start the thread on AIBU in a moment of stress. It doesn’t excuse or make it OK to keep haranguing me when I’ve clearly indicated it’s adding to my stress rather than helping.

And honestly - ‘my husband isn’t around much during the week’ and MN inference is that he’s a lazy bastard who opts out of parenting? That’s ridiculous.

The point isn’t that women can’t do my Dhs job, the point was in response to another poster insisting mothers work there. At present, they don’t.

It is not acceptable to make revolting comments about men or women’s genitals. And you have done so twice on this thread. Only men working somewhere shouldn’t mean we make ‘jokes’ about dildos any more than only women working somewhere means we make ‘jokes’ about their breasts and vaginas. Both are rather horrible.

Posters are trying to identify extra resources to take the pressure off you. Your husband is the biggest resource in your family. That’s why a big focus has been on him.

It is really rare that a partner can do absolutely nothing when the other one is under a lot of pressure. I posted that you could ask him to take over Internet based planning he could do on his lunch hour for example, or slow cooker filling he could do before work. Is it really totally impossible for him to do these things?

PPs have also suggested exchanging money for additional resources - cleaning, gardening, extra childcare.

If you just want to vent about your current situation that’s ok too but your OP came across as wanting concrete suggestions, that’s all.

Did the OP say her husband did nothing? I must have missed that bit.

@itfeelsstupid I'm finding this thread infuriating, so it must be much worse for you. It's a shame that some posters can't accept that you posted looking for a bit of empathy and emotional support, not a debating club. They need to do the decent thing and back off.

You might want to re-read the post. They said there would be mothers doing that job and doing at least 50% of the parenting/domestic work, not working in the same business. Because you had implied that no women do that job anywhere. Hence my wondering what job could only be done by a man………

I’m going to guess we can’t ask what he does do…….

Maybe you aren't good at picking up how others are feeling but to put it bluntly you aren't helping the OP, in fact you seem to be taking some pleasure in harassing and belittling her. Maybe go and find a puppy to kick and leave the OP alone.

So, other than getting up and sorting himself out before he leaves for work, what else does he do in the mornings, evenings and weekends in order to share the childcare, household and mental load with you?
Do you work as a team?
In a nutshell, PP would like you to respond re. what your DH does re. childcare and household tasks when he is not working/at home?
Does he do any shopping on his way home from work? Does he buy basics such as milk or bread on his way home?

I agree; you don’t have to share any details re. his role or your finances.

Similar situation here as I work PT but need to put in extra hours to get the job done. I mainly WFH and have a lot of flexibility. I do both ends of primary school run for our youngest DC on the days I don’t have to travel to the office. DH is a business owner working long hours across multiple businesses, 24/7 inclu. weekends and occasional travel abroad. We tag team wherever possible and finally have no childcare costs. You need to be super organised. Buy in help if you can afford it (Au pair, Cleaner, Gardener, etc). It does get easier as DC get older. Give DC age appropriate household tasks.

Our primary and secondary school aged DC are heavily involved in sports outside of school, so we tag team ferrying them around in the car and on public transport. It’s tough, but not forever.
It’s not fair for one parent to be consistently burning themselves out, whilst the other parent has an easier ride.

I’m the primary/main career for our DC. That does not mean that DH gets to pass on childcare and household tasks. When DH arrives home from work, I’m often still tackling household chores - dishwasher, laundry, school and personal admin, prepping for the following day, etc. It would not be fair for him to leave me to it all whilst he sorts himself out and then goes to bed.

What you are missing here op, is that you are the only one who knows and everyone else is trying to help you and you won't share the information they need. This thread is batshit 'because' of your responses.

Why not just say

'Thank you so much for the suggestion my husband needs to do more, I appreciate all suggestions in case I'm missing something. However, he's actually awesome. He does 12 hour days including commute in a high pressure job as we need the money, but as soon as he walks in the door he knows my day will have been worse so he is completely hands on. Makes dinner, gets on with laundry, batch cooks whilst I catch up on my work. He also takes both kids on the weekend for a good few hours to give me a small break. he's fab and not the problem. I'm still overwhelmed though, any other suggestions?'

And that would have been the end of that.

Exactly.

I never claimed to know that women work in his company. But there will absolutely be some women at different companies that do his job, of course there will be.

Wow some of the posts on here are horrible.
I understand where you are coming from op. It doesn't matter what your DH does or whether a woman can do it. The fact is he is providing for his family the best way he can.
Honestly mumsnet is no longer the place to come for support and advice even aibu used to be humourous once upon a time.
I hope you manage to sort your work out op good luck to you.
When my children were very young my DH used to work away for a week at a time and on the days he worked locally I used to make his packed lunch tell anybody that these days they'd have a conniption fit. But we were a team and it worked for both of us.

Fucking hell what does it matter whether women can do ops DHS job?
The fact is he does it and it is how their family work.
I'm sorry op you seem to have asked for support from the hard of understanding.