To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

It isn’t really why I was posting @ChazsBrilliantAttitude ; the problem is you just get a load of well why can’t yous. At the moment he mostly does 830-530 but it’s an hour and a half commute more in peak traffic. So he has to leave 7am at the latest in the morning and back around 730 in the evening.

Then other times he might have to stay overnight or be elsewhere in the country altogether.

<waits for everyone to say why that’s wrong>

Apart from a very small number of occupations, DH should be having 11 hours between shifts and a block of at least 24 clear hours per week without work (or 48 in a fortnight). This is assuming he’s employed.

Should give plenty of time for parenting and household tasks/admin……

You can. I’m not purposefully avoiding them but a lot of the time it’s a pointless question like the endless well what does he do. It doesn’t matter what he does: it earns money and goodness knows we need it!

Also I’ve been with both children all day, still am but they are watching a bit of paw patrol after tea so have a little time to post here.

Can you move closer to his work? If you’ve no support where you are, what goes you to it?

Does it all have to be done from an office/location or could he work a day from home every week? Can he take a shorter lunch hour and start later/finish earlier?

He could do laundry, food cooking, bathroom cleaning of an evening when he is home.

You’ve swerved the outgoings questions. That’s the other factor to the issue.

so this is what I mean about lots of well why can’t yous … not meant horribly but it just annoys posters when you have to keep answering in the negative.

What, you really want a detailed list of our outgoings? Sorry but no. Not even anonymously. I didn’t actually see that question but am definitely not posting for financial advice.

Okay. I’m not going to waste time trying to help someone that won’t be helped.

Do you want to give up work? If you do, do it. If you don’t, you need to look at ways to not have so much to do. If money is tight that means finding some things to cut back.

I advised you get on MSE to see if you could reduce your outgoings. You didn’t respond.

But you said you couldn’t really afford to stop working.

So you either need to keep working and find a way to outsource some other things, or get your husband doing more in the 3 hours of an evening that he is at home.

Decluttering - this is the thing isn’t it; your idea of help and line are different. Your idea of help appears to be dependent on me giving out lots of information and you telling me I’m wrong and you’re right. My idea of help is people reassuring me that I can do it, it won’t be that bad and they’ve done it too.

I didn’t see it but in any case at the moment we can’t reduce our outgoings. It’s under control but wouldn’t be if DH left his job!

Well either you want ideas to allow you to stay in work or you don't.

If you just want to give up your job then do that. You don't need permission from AIBU.

I think the thing is the people who have done it have had to make changes. It's not working for you at the moment so people are trying to find ways it can work for you.

100%
We are the same. DH's job takes absolute priority for the same reason. We can survive without my salary; we can't without his.

I haven’t asked for lots of information. I asked what your husband’s work pattern was - answer, very normal. 3 hours commuting every day isn’t ideal with little kids. If you’re not getting any external support where you are, as you indicated, maybe moving would increase the amount of time your DH is home and can help. It’s a practical suggestion. Up to you if you consider it.

Yup it can be near impossible. I expect either manage on 97k, change to a non teaching job or take some time out before returning or buy in nanny style help.

I don’t know if it will work or not!

I am worried about ending up on a support plan but the general belief is that giving up work isn’t a good idea and it’s not what I actually want.

Dhs work isn’t going to change which is why I feel a bit guilty he’s being roasted here!

But the 'why can't yous' are what you (presumably) asked for?

In your op you said you can't cope, that you might have to give up work because of it, which you can't afford to do.

Posters have inferred from that that you would like practical solutions to help. And have been trying to get to the root of the problem.

What was the point of your post?

It's not working if you're worried about it.

But sure give it a go and I wish you the best.

I do agree it's unfair to "roast" your DH's job.

So 7-7 is his day. On the days you are with the kids I assume you are also on your feet from 7-7. So once he gets in and has had a shower/cup of tea he can easily do at LEAST a couple of hours of housework. (My husband is a doctor so 7-7 is a bare minimum day). If he’s back by 7 he can do:

• laundry
• dishwasher
• make dinner one day in the week and two days in the weekend
• tidy up downstairs.

That would leave you free to do an hour or so of teaching prep in the evenings every single day and at least 2-3 hours on the weekend.

Alternately use that time to get out of the house and go for a walk/run. Just some me time.

On the weekends he can batch cook:

• marinade some chicken
• make a tomato sauce that can be used for multiple things

Or he can chop and prep while you have the kids and then you swap (this is what we did for years).

You wanted concrete ideas so here goes. Our weekend schedule when DH wasn’t on duty was:

1. Wake up at 6:30 (DH) and make me tea. Make some breakfast. Do a load of laundry.
2. Wake up the kids (DH) and get them dressed and give them breakfast. I wake up and do emails and start putting laundry away.
3. Couple of hours of family time.
4. DH makes lunch.
5. Post lunch he takes an hour to work. I take the kids to the park.
6. Come back and we take turns to play with them while making dinner and batch cooking. Or do it when the kids are in bed.
7. Some more family time alternating with chores.
8. I do dinner and clear up. He does the entire bedtime routine. Then comes down and helps me batch cook.
9. We watch something while eating and go up to bed OR more usually both of us sit down to work for an hour.

I would finish the weekend with the house tidy, laundry done, some food cooked ahead and having done 3-4 hours of work. So Monday morning wasn’t a shock. So the same was true of DH.

If he worked a night shift he came in and slept and then buckled down to take over the kids. As much as humanly possible DH has done every bedtime beyond the breastfeeding stage (since your husband is back at 7 this seems very doable).

Since your DH like mine must wake up early he can also do a couple of additional things. Make everyone’s breakfast, a cup of tea for you and maybe a sandwich that you can grab later. All told this can’t take more than 15 mins?

’A doctor’ wasn’t on my list there. I have a close friend who is a surgeon. When she’s booked in to a long complex surgery that will involve her intensively concentrating for hours and hours her husband absolutely would do any night wake ups the night before. It doesnt mean she doesn’t parent her children.

I’m in a similar situation - teach 2 days but DH away a lot with work or working odd hours and I have a nursery and primary age DDs. I’ve also just signed up to do a master’s.

I have to be really strict with what work I bring home and when I do it. Only ever the night before I’m working and I try to do as much at school as possible so I have less to bring home.

On my non working days if DH is away I will put the girls to bed then casually plan/mark with a cuppa to try and get ahead. I am also dreading next week so you have my sympathies!

Do you have family around who can look after the DC once in a while.
Also perhaps cut back on outgoings so you both don’t have to work so hard.

OP, does DH work at weekends? If not then I wonder if he could do some things to make it easier for you during the week such as batch cook, deep clean when required, take DC’s for the day so you can do some work etc.

You have to go to into robot mode.

You work, say, Mon-wed. Your aim is to get through those days and accept you can only do tweaks on those evenings. Be ruthless with any ppa, don't get embroiled in behaviour issues in other people's classes/ corridors%kids not knowing what class they should be in etc

Marking and prep Thursday- or a weekend day if dh is around. Does your dept share planning? That could make life a little easier.

Prepare in advance for mock seasons, so good is microwave for a few nights.

You've just been on mat leave. It's all going to feel unworkable. I think I cried more tears when mine were between 1 and 6 than in the rest of my entire life to date. I still feel like that every September and mine are now teens who should probably be running the house.

But it's never as bad as you think : lessonswill happen; marking will get done.