To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

@iamsoshocked It really isn't like they are detached from their families. It's just that they happen to sleep at school.

Well agree to disagree, but that aside what were the tangible benefits to your children sleeping at school rather than at home?
You try to justify it in many ways, but it’s largely around ‘oh we can still see them at times’ and even mentioning it was an emotional sacrifice, but what a as the sacrifice for? What in their life could not by achieved by living with their family?

Interested to know which prestigious schools PPs are referring to as being awful? The one I’m referring to is Wellington College. Class A drugs also rife as well as bullying.

Thanks for answering the question that has been repeatedly asked as to why boarding instead of a similarly high quality day school, I think you're the only poster to do so actually which is telling in and of itself. That said your response does raise the question as to why boarding specifically, why not find a different day school that could meet your child's needs? I'm not trying to be antagonistic, it's a genuine question. I do note that your child boarded for sixth form which is of course very different to a 13 year old boarding but what I'm struggling to understand, and what none of the pro-boarding posters have been able to explain is this - how does boarding at a school that meets their educational and extra curricular needs benefit a child when compared to a day school that also meets these needs? Assuming their home life is loving, stable and supportive I can't see any benefit, to the child at least.

@pearvines I don't mind having a calm discussion with a rational person!
DS is 22 now, and we have spoken to him about boarding, and he still says it was the right decision.

(DD is a different case as additional needs are present and it is just a much more complex case rather than the normal decision.)
Obviously, having had both kids away at school, I can't compare with having them at home. I can compare with them being at day school in year 8, and being at boarding school for y9. I can only talk about how it was with them being at school. DS boarded y9-13, DD y9-11.
Benefits they had? - Friends on tap, sports/clubs galore, an amazing education in a lovely environment with world class facilities, learning how to get along with/socialise with other people, and a certain amount of freedom.
You see, I honestly, hand on heart, do not believe my kids missed out on all the little day to day parent things. They had lots of hugs and talks, from us. Lots of adults around to notice changes in behaviour (admittedly not us).
To play devil's advocate, many parents miss that their kids are doing drugs, or getting into trouble when they attend day schools. Lots of kids have problems when they are living at home under the eye's of their parents.

They also didn't have to get up as early to get to school, and could hang out with their mates until later.

@carmela My dd wouldn't be able to attend the school she is at if she were not boarding as we live in a different county. It is in the top 100 in the country and she absolutely loves it. No, I could not get an equivalent state school in my area.

Colleague, very senior has one kid at ‘prestigious’ private school, her DH also high flying. She was telling us how tricky it was with both her and DH leaving at 6am to go to the city, not getting home til 8 or 9pm, working on weekends, to manage a child but they had housekeeper and a handy person/ driver to ferry the kid around, make him meals etc.
So they boarded him in the end at 12 because he seemed fed up alone at home so much with the staff.

All that money and no common sense. For some reason both her DH and this colleague didn’t consider perhaps not working like dogs in finance to earn a ton of money they didn’t really need and spending some time with their child was as option.
Not one of us in the office it turned out would have seen sending the kid away fulltime as an option.
Just, why would you? So you can earn £700k + instead of just £300k?? Both of them?

@iamsoshocked You are right that boarding school is better than neglectful parents.

Do people not understand that private schools are a business, and that boarding is an expensive PRODUCT, that kids are groomed to want?!

All this 'my kids begged to board' - of course they did, because they were indoctrinated in an institution that financially depended on encouraging kids to separate from their parents. That made a virtue out of 'independence' and 'resilience'. That actively discourages kids from needing that parental bond and creates an entire business model around making kids (and their parents) feel like it's the right thing to do, and as soon as possible!

A lot of boarding kids' parents feel a sense of unease with what they're doing and they have the exact same list of justifications: kids asked to board, boarding schools are different nowadays, they're at school so much it's easier/less tiring to stay there, there's more opportunity to do their sport/practice their music, it's good for their independence, kids love it blah blah.

But the truth is - it's not ok to pay other people to live with your kids. It's damaging to children to spend all their time with peers and people paid to care for them. The people that look after them might be very good at their jobs but they don't love them and your kids know it. And even if you think it's ok now, there's deep damage to being emotionally switched off the way boarding kids are, and it will eventually show.

The people that look after them might be very good at their jobs but they don't love them and your kids know it.

I think the saddest thing is, although we were only staff, we actually did probably have more care and affection than their own parents did for them in far too many cases. Some parents were just utterly incapable of love. And we certainly knew most of our pupils better than their own parents. It was genuinely sad how much they missed out on and were utterly clueless about. Even the "open" ones weren't half as honest with their parents than they were with us houseparents in our one to one time.

This is very well put

I know people who sent their 3 dc at 7 to board. Why - because we work such long hours we never see them anyway. Why doesn’t at least one of you cut down on your hours? Because then we couldn’t a afford to send three to boarding school.

As I keep saying, in certain circles there is a genuine indoctrinated belief that boarding schools are THE only acceptable form of education

Many posters aren’t reading OP’s posts - they went at 13, they’re weekly boarders so back at weekends.

In families where both parents work, how much time do they actually spend with their teens Mon-Fri?

This has been answered more than once on the thread. Chat at meal times. Chilling watching tv. Talking about school/friends/whatever in the car on the way to stuff - school, or hobby groups. Being able to say goodnight every night, with hugs if that’s what your family does, but with affection anyway. Be8ng able to help out with homework and reassure them everything will be ok if the6 have a bad day.

@Mirabai we have dinner together every night, I go to the gym with my eldest in the evening twice a week, and we usually end up watching something on tv together most nights with one or both of the kids. Mine have always been quite family orientated. Just last last night actually my eldest was gaming with friends, and I shouted up to him asking if he wanted to watch a film assuming he'd say no thanks but he took the headset straight off and ran downstairs! Not all teens don't want to spend time with their parents. Even if they didn't want to socialise I wouldn't give up the dinners or passing questions and conversations for anything.

@Mirabai what benefit is there to boarding rather than being a day pupil when home is 20 mins away as in the OPs case? What are they gaining to make up for the things I and @pearvines have just said they are missing out on?

What’s your actual timetable? Many working parents don’t get home til 7-8+

I don’t know about your kids but I didn’t have time to watch TV on weekdays as I had homework and practice to do.

So from 13 onwards I had supper with my parents daily but that was the only time I spent with them in an evening. I’d have been happy to have supper with my friends instead. I wouldn’t see that as any loss at all.

Once you’re teens it’s more about the parents wanting to spend time with their kids rather than vice versa.

@Mirabai I do not know anyone who gets back that late unless working shifts. Even if one parent works longer hours, it is rare for both to be home late. My DP is home at 5pm most nights. I wfh.

I think that’s really sad. DD is in her 20s now, but we both wanted to spend time with each other (and still do). Yes, she also wants to spend time with her friends, that’s perfectly normal.
If parents don’t get in until 7/8 presumably the senior age DC have done their homework, so supper and tv would be possible. I know quite a lot of families (teacher for over 30 years) and, while I haven’t talked about evening routines with all of them I have with lots and I think neither parent being in until 7 or 8 is rare (outside of London commuters anyway).
You say you wouldn’t have missed supper with parents - you don’t say what you would have gained by not having it.

They gain 40 mins a day not travelling which could be practice on one instrument, one whole subject’s homework.

There’s no dicking around with pickups if one stays after school for sport or music etc. (ie the one doesn’t have to wait for the other to be collected at the same time).

They get to spend time with their friends and forge lifelong bonds.

Finally this is what they have chosen before they prefer to do it. You just need to accept it and respect their choice even if you don’t understand it and it doesn’t suit you.

Welcome to professional working hours.

I don’t know anyone who works shifts unless they’re doctors.

I’ve worked in a boarding school @Mirabai
Nobody in the school was doing homework or practice while day pupils were travelling to and from school, I can assure you.
I also don’t think a 13 year old is mature enough to make that sort of decision (based on working with boarders).

@Mirabai I'm in a senior role but I WFH, I earn £72k, I could earn a lot more if I was willing to go into the private sector and commute into London but I have taken an active choice to have a work life balance that enables me to be with my kids more. My DH has a career that takes him away, but he too has limited his progress opting to be posted closer to home rather than taking the opportunities that would mean more progress and money, but would mean either him being separated from us (more), moving the kids around, or even sending them to BS.

Let's not kid outsides that people who can afford to use boarding schools are doing so because they have to, it's a choice. My circle mostly consists of people in desk based WFH roles like mine, or local menial work that does not involve commutes or long hours.

It’s nonsense to say professionals are all out of the house until 7 or 8. I know loads of professional people who aren’t, and have taught many more children whose professional parents aren’t. I get that people commuting into London have long journeys and it can make them late, but it’s a minority.

And how many kids do you know who play music to a high level? Practising before or just after school is totally normal I can assure you, I’ve done it. I wasn’t at boarding school and I wasted 2 hours a day getting to school and back within London.