Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

ewwwww this sounds weird. Why is her dad so involved and judgemental about her sex life. Letting him down? That’s super fucked up

What a man believes when it isn’t his body or choice is irrelevant.

So being concerned about her safety and wellbeing in regards to STIs and unwanted pregnancy is weird? It's posts like this that make girls not confide in their dads over this stuff and for some girls dad's are the only person they have!

You wrote those statements about him, not me.

Of course people are going to jump to conclusions when you describe him as being “old school” “not as understanding” and more likely to give a “dressing down/lecture”.

It honestly doesn’t paint him in a good light when something as serious and personal as a termination is involved and you feel like you can’t keep it from him 🙄

Anyway, hope the procedure goes as smooth as it can for your daughter and you both get the support you clearly need, and can move forwards as a family.

That's a horrible way to treat your child. She's an adult and it's her private medical information, you have no right to share the information with anyone else and he has no right to know thatinformation. If it caused a marital rift that would be on him and he'd be a very shitty father and husband if that was the result.

Whilst I am enjoying people making broad speculations about our family dynamics without knowing the ins and outs of us as a family I think it's time I removed this thread 🤦‍♀️ thank you to everyone that has provided some much needed support and helpful insight for a stressed out, emotionally drained mother who is navigating having a grown up daughter whilst not feeling completely grown up herself ❤️

It sounds like it's your husband's reaction/attitude to his daughter that is making her not want to confide in him?

My husbands reaction/attitude to his daughter is one she has unfortunately brought upon herself 😪

Listen, remember there's apparently a disproportionate number of (insert expletive of choice)s who post here. Ignore them!

You are lucky to have such a close relationship with both your DH and your DD.

I think as your DD wants to keep it between you and her for now, you have to respect that, but I do understand how difficult it must be for you to keep it from the DH you normally confide in.

Nothing to do with him.

Your daughter could not have a better mum

His reaction/attitude is his responsibly to manage.

Don’t tell him

Wow! Your daughter would (rightly!) be devastated (and possibly furious!) if you betrayed her in this way!!

God forbid that you are ever in the same position as the OP!

Oh yes, definitely blame your daughter for the way her dad is towards her...she made him do it, she brought it on herself 🤦🏼‍♀️

'Ewwwwww'

You need to grow the fuck up.

🙂

Easy for you to say when you haven't dealt with half the shit she's brought to our door and half the shit he's had to bail her out of. You must be the most patient understanding person in the world! Well I'd think that if not for this post 🤦‍♀️

It’s becoming very clear why she doesn’t want to tell him.

You’ve dealt with it too and she still came to you. There’s a reason why she didn’t go to him and is so against him knowing.

I have lots of opinions about things that exclusively affect men. They don’t have to take my opinion into account, but I’m allowed to hold them, just like men are allowed to hold opinions on abortion. They probably have more of a right to those opinions than I do to have mine on men’s issues as all men were once unborn and no pregnancy happens without the involvement of a man.

A man cannot compel an unwanted abortion, and cannot stop a wanted abortion. That is because the baby is inside the body of the mother. Saying that men don’t even have the right to an opinion on this topic is absurd.

This.

All of this. The OP laid out the case well of why it absolutely makes sense that the daughter doesn't want her father to be told.

It’s definitely the man’s fault

When men know what it feels like to have other people attempt to police and control their bodies, I’m all for them having a say over abortion.

There's no woman to woman on MN.

This is the land of 'I tell my husband everything, because there are no secrets between us'.