Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

Being young parents to her I can 100% say that there is no guilt or shame to be had in this household, from me or her father. If anything my worry was that she'd feel pressured into keeping a baby she didn't want because in her words its "what you did". My parents were as amazing as I hope I'm being in this situation ❤️

I was in your DD’s position once and confided in my mum. She helped me through the hardest thing I had to go through, at 16yo, and still to this day (16 yrs on) she’s never told my dad, at my request. For this I will be eternally grateful and it’s not because I don’t love him or trust him - it’s just because I wanted to confide only in my mum….

It's your daughter's decision, not yours. Just crack on with supporting her and she can worry about whether she wants to tell her dad.

This isn’t even mum to daughter. This is woman to woman. You keep your mouth closed.

Posted before I was finished. OTOH op, you are doing the right thing and it’s great you’re supporting your Dd. I have been in the same position as her twice. Wishing her well

I was also in my DDs position and also at 16 yo like yourself. My parents were the most amazing support and always have been. I just hope I'm doing them proud of the way I'm handling this ❤️

The dad never even needs to know.

You didn’t even need to know, she just needed some support and chose you.

Please keep her secret.
This is not for you to tell anyone else or encourage her to tell anyone else.

If chooses to never tell her dad, that’s her choice.
If she chooses to tell half the world, that’s also her choice.

When I had an abortion I felt I couldn’t go to my parents.
I went to my best friend of 15+ years because I needed support and trusted her.
She then went and told her DH because ‘she tells him everything’.
It was the biggest betrayal which I will never forgive.

I love this ❤️
You have explained it very well.

You have an amazing mum.

IMO your loyalty is always first to your spouse. Everyone in my family knows that telling me something means they are telling my husband something. If your children don’t see you and your spouse as an inseparable unit, then you have gone astray somewhere.

To OP, if your daughter is old enough to become pregnant, she is old enough to face the consequences of her actions. If she’s chronically irresponsible, facing her father’s disappointment in her may be an important step in growing out of this kind of behaviour.

What is wrong with all the ppl on here tonight taking this to levels that is not needed. This man is ops husband and the dds father. Op is not putting him first over her dd, to say it's not his 'fucking business ' as one random on here said is just awful. There are alot of amazing dads out their who adore their kids and would do anything to support them and yes that even means maybe a lecture or two. Give op a bloody break. She's in a tough spot.. it's her husband for crying out loud not a stranger in the street..

The OP’s first post literally says:
“My husband is old school and still treats her as a child!”
and “probably due to him not being as understanding as I am”.
Oh and not to forget “all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this.”

So no, I don’t think he’ll feel exactly the same as the OP. Yes it’s his daughter, but her termination is none of his fucking business. Period. And the OP’s description of him doesn’t put him in a good light. Quite the opposite of a supportive parent really.

If the OP really can’t bear not telling her husband about her daughters private medical needs then there’s a serious problem here.

Absolutely this!!

In my opinion, and it’s a strong opinion , it’s absolutely not your choice to make at all. Support your daughter, it’s her choice who she tells and it’s really not about you. I can’t tell you how much I don’t mean that to be harsh but telling someone she doesn’t want to know is completely unfair I order to protect your relationship with that person. I’m really sorry you’re all going through this, I can imagine it’s really hard for you too. X

I absolutely wouldn't even tell my husband this if my daughter didn't want me too. Its her body and her decision who does and doesn't know. I see no benefit anyone knowing this who doesn't need too. She needs to be able to trust yo be able to confide in you. If she'd done something criminal, I'd not keep it a secret but this is her secret to keep as an adult.

@batt3nb3rg aren't you a ray of sunshine! I sincerely hope you don't have daughters of your own. How cold can you be!!

In my personal opinion my daughter/children come first and ANYTHING they come to me with is kept between me and them and goes no further until they choose to do so unless it was really necessary, your daughters 20 so she has her right to tell who she wants, and that's all there is too it, keep strong momma x

This. 💯

You are! Your daughter will never forget the support and love! You’ve got this 💪
If there came a time later to tell him, I’m sure he would understand and just be grateful you were there for her xxx

"He has as much right to know as his wife."

No he does not. The daughter is 20 - an adult, not a child. Neither parent has the "right to know", unless the daughter chooses to share this information.

Abortions are not a large team sport. He doesn’t need to be involved.

Again, having gleaned only tiny bits of insight about my husband I find it hilarious that you'd jump to those conclusions about him! Has it ever occurred to you that he's only human and maybe some of the situations our daughter has put him in previously when she was still a CHILD may have some bearing on why he can react negatively to some situations and why in some situations she needs lecturing? Like the fact he bailed her out of nearly a £1000 fine and a criminal conviction for train fare evasion? She may be 20 but occasionally doesn't act it 🤦‍♀️

Presumably those women with their cow-like devotion (I actually don’t understand this, are cows known as particularly loyal animals or are you just using them as it sounds vaguely insulting?) are married and value marriage as being the uniting of a man and a woman in, if nothing else, a legal bond that unites their interests. Either you and your lack of cow-like qualities are not married, in which case there is surely no surprise you see a husband as just some man who is disposable and should be thrown under a bus to stop your precious offspring being splashed by its wheels, or you are and have no business being.

Your statement is a little strange conceptually, as well. Prioritising a man over the welfare of other women, how? Of course it’s baffling how a woman would support a man in sexual immorality or criminality towards other women, but I have a feeling you mean you can’t comprehend how a woman would support a man who doesn’t believe that abortion is a harmless medical procedure that is a first-line option when faced with unplanned pregnancy?

You would prioritise your h over your dd?? Why? I don't think that would go well. Your dd might never trust you again.

Don't tell him because if you break her confidence she won't then tell you other things!

I've learnt that from experience!!!!

I don't think most women report to their dad when they have an abortion. It's generally a private thing for most people I think. It's not your business to tell him or anyone anyway. Hope your daughter is ok.