Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

I can see why it must be difficult for you to keep this from your husband, when he is your 'go to' person for sharing things that are on your mind.
You're doing absolutely the right thing by supporting your daughter in the way that she has asked you to at this point. I wish I'd had a Mum like you when I went through similar in my 20s.
I hope your daughter gets through this okay. I still think about (and feel saddened?) by the termination I had.
Sending you and your daughter a virtual hug.

Could you maybe talk to your daughter and convince her to tell her dad, with you there, and you'll ensure he doesn't say anything disrespectful

Wow. No. NOT THIS. This is awful. The last thing she needs is to be emotionally manipulated into telling someone something when she doesn't want to. Just so OP doesn't feel guilty.

Chats are something we've had more than our fair share of but other than forcing the pill down her throat, making her wear a chastity belt or holding her down whilst she has the injection/coil/implant I'm not sure there's anything else I could've done 🙄 if you don't have any useful suggestions feel free to STFU 👍

Not alien to me at all that both mum and dads care about their children. That’s the bare fucking minimum for parents.

What is alien to me, is how a man would need or even want to know about his adult daughters termination. Even more the fact that an adult man would need to know or want to know about his adult daughters termination so he can support his wife?!

Can someone please make this make sense?

The bottom line to me is a woman going through a termination is none of her father’s fucking business. Which isn’t mutually exclusive with other traumatic events.

The only way you're off is that I was 16, not quite 17 when I had my daughter ❤️ one of the best decisions I made in my life and she knows this but it was also one of the hardest! It probably is stirring things up for me but only in the way that I hate seeing her in the turmoil that i was once in...and I guess I don't want her to feel that just because I chose one path and she's choosing the other that it makes me think of her or love her any less. I just want what's best for her ❤️

You shouldn't put your Hs upset about not knowing something (that he need never know, so wouldn't know he didn't know!) ahead of your DDs privacy. Its not your confidence to share. Not being party to this is no harm to your H whatsoever so there's not even a conflict. I get you want to share the burden with him, but unfortunately being a parent often means putting what you want aside in the interests of your child. If you're at a point where this feels too much of an ask, you'll need to tell DD not to confide in you in future.

As previously stated he is my go to for support. My strongest mental health advocate and my best friend. It just feels surreal for me to have this thing on my mind that I can't talk to him about. I'm fully aware that this is about my daughter and her needs but God forbid it should stir up feelings of anxiety in me as her mother 😔

Having a supportive husband is a beautiful thing. I also love men and have wonderful relationships with them.

For now though, your daughter has an issue where she needs your support and your confidence. Your amazing husband will appreciate that her abortion is not about you or your marriage, so it was not necessary to betray your daughter's confidence.

Whatever support you need can't outweigh those of the person making the decision to have a termination, surely.

Are you happy to accept she may never trust you again and may end up with no support in future? I mean, if you can't trust your mom, who can you trust?

If you contact BPAS or Family Lives they can signpost you to support for yourself.

You don't seem to understand. The OP is struggling with the whole thing and just wishes she had her husband to talk to and share that emotional worry. I'm not saying I think she should go behind her daughters back, I just understand where the OP is coming from. How can you not!?

Just because it's about her daughter, doesn't mean the mum just has no feelings at all in this

He doesn't need to know at all, unless she wants him to.

As harshly as this sounds you’re just going to have to put your big girl pants on and respect your daughters wishes here.

A lot of (and hopefully most) women will see their husbands as their “go to” for support and their best friend. Of course this experience will stir up anxieties for you. But you have to really understand the magnitude of what your daughter will be going through and why she doesn’t want her father to know. Your priority should be her and her wishes right now.

If you really can’t keep this from your husband, by all means tell him, if it will make you sleep easier at night. Just don’t expect your daughter to tell you anything else in confidence going forward.

It’s not your secret to tell. If you are being put in a difficult position and can’t put her first, let her know, respect her and take a step away from the situation.

Perfect answer.

I’m a couple years older than your daughter and would be mortified if my mum told my dad, after telling her not to.

I would just make sure though that it’s not because she’s scared of her dad reaction negatively to the pregnancy. Sometimes girls her age feel forced into abortion because of fear or shame about being a young mum and later regret it. Obviously not everyone but I’ve met a few sadly. The best thing you can do for her right now is not betray her trust and reassure her that whatever decision she makes is okay and she will have you and her dad’s support no matter what.

I suspect she does not want to have the conversation with him while she is still pregnant, and I don’t blame her.

The OP is struggling with the whole thing?

How on earth do you think the daughter is coping? Goodness if she can’t rely on her own mother for support then who can she?!

The OP can share the emotional worry with a counsellor or GP. What good do you think will
come to her daughter by her father finding this out?

No one has said the OP can’t have any feelings at all in this. Of course she will. We’re saying her loyalty needs to lie with her daughters wishes. It’s not the OP’s business to discuss with her husband.

I don’t tell my parents things about my life (including medical information), and I never have, not since I was old enough to go into doctors’ appointments alone.

I find it genuinely astonishing the number of people on this thread who seem to think a parent has the right to private medical information.

“if I was him, I’d not be happy” - this is absolutely nothing to do with him. Nothing at all.

It’s her body, her decision, and up to her who knows about it.

The DD chose to tell her mother because she wanted her support and only her support.

She shouldn’t feel oblige to tell her father, why should she? It’s her body and she has confided in you not in him. Please, put her at ease and not allow this weight on her to spoil how she feels towards her father.
My daughter didn’t tell her father and he still doesn’t know15 years on.

Bloody hell judgemental much!!

It’s absolutely none of his business, and it’s up to her to tell him when/if she decides to. This is not your decision to make.

They have a great relationship and she hates keeping things from him but I understand why she feels the need to this time - as said with previous failed contraception and the conversations they've had about this before it's possible she feels as though she's let him down
I've said this before but this is seriously messed up. Once you become an adult there are things that you keep from parents because it's private. Your sex life is one of them. Like I said, I'm sure he doesn't share his sex life details with your dd. If not why not, your are all close and don't keep secrets?

Her mum is supporting her!! And she isn't telling her DH! I'm just being understanding to the OP. You are honestly telling me you don't understand at all why she wants to tell her DH? To have someone to talk to who will also feel exactly the same as her, because it's his daughter as well!?

If she's struggling with keeping this from him she's hardly going to want to start counselling in private is she.

You sound like an amazing mum and wife to be honest! You’re in a difficult position and I completely get why you’re feeling so torn. From the little I’ve heard you seem like an open, caring family and I think the PPs suggestion about asking your DD if she would consider telling dad if he promised not to react is the way forward. Obviously if she maintains that she doesn’t want to, the only way is to support her and broach it with your DH later down the line. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. These choices and responsibilities are hers at the end of the day but the way she feels comfortable in sharing it with you shows how much she trusts you and values your support.

Why does he need to know at all? It’s up to her whether she tells him. It’s a medical procedure that doesn’t in any way concern him. Unless your daughter gives you express permission to tell him, you shouldn’t.