unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

@PerkyMintDeer this is a really beautiful and honest post and made me think about some of my own dynamics and times when I'm being a little too cool girl in my friendships at the expense of how I really feel. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're in a better place now.

Tommy’s ; General UK miscarriage statistics
An estimated 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. NHS actually quote 1 in 8. If someone if experiencing loss, infertility, secondary infertility - whatever it may be. I am sure an unsolicited pregnancy scan will be upsetting.

Not all of us who have suffered infertility have suffered a miscarriage either,some of us have just never conceived, naturally or otherwise. I would certainly have found a scan photo triggering when the pain was still very raw.

I have had a family member cut me off for being pregnant and then when she was pregnant she wanted everyone’s attention.

Ive also had a loss myself (ectopic pregnancy) at a time my two best friends were heavily pregnant and another friend had a new born. It’s difficult to be reminded but I was still happy and supportive of them. Unfortunately the world doesn’t stop and I think it’s really shitty to expect someone to hide their joy because you’re having a bad time. Perspective is needed.

I'm not sure how 1 in 4 pgs translates to "most" women - also, many people (like me who had 4) have recurrent miscarriages which will skew the numbers. I know lots of women who have never had one, including own mother and sisters

Oh Gosh, I mean yes if you want to be that specific I can see your point. But like I said you can share different levels of information to different people.

If my friend has been struggling for money, even if she asked me “have you bought a watch recently” I genuinely would think twice before sending her a photo of my Rolex.

If my friend who’s recently divorced asked me how’s my anniversary going I’d say “I am enjoying it, thank you for asking how are you doing?”

I think my point can still be understood and I still maintain that the friend could’ve replied: “scan went well, baby is fine thank you so much for asking” without sending a photo.

That's my point though - it's 1 in 5 pregnancies that end in miscarriage (I think the miscarriage association info I was given said 1 in 4 but it was a few years ago), so far far more than 1 in 5 women will have had a loss.

Not all women who've had a loss will find scan photos upsetting (I don't, even though that's how my miscarriage was discovered) so I don't think you can extrapolate from miscarriage statistics to feelings on scan photos.

@SunQueen24 i don't think people expect someone to hide their joy, just be more mindful who you share it with. There must be so many people you can share your scan, excitement with - just maybe not with the person experiencing fertility issues.

Oh come on.

Ultrasound images have been common currency in pregnancy circles since even before my first successful pregnancy. Literally from the eighties on, they were everywhere (including pinned on the cork notice boards in your entrance hall or sellotaped to the fridge). Nowadays things are digital and they get pinged back and forth on WhatsApp etc.

They are not X-rays, fyi.

I think it’s quite insensitive of her but most likely she didn’t mean any malice.
I have a close friend who had an abortion due to difficult circumstances. She often used to check in on my pregnancy but I made sure not to send any ultrasound photos incase it upset her.

Actually, yes my miscarriage was discovered at an ultrasound - it’s called a missed miscarriage. You’re getting too caught up on the statistics - it was merely an example of how many people suffer heartache through loss, I also mentioned people suffering infertility, secondary infertility - the list is endless. In my opinion (and lots of other opinions) scans are not really needed, especially if not asked for. Why risk upsetting someone, when so many people find it upsetting.

Most women will have multiple pregnancies, so it's very normal to have a miscarriage along the way.

As I said, the vast majority of women I know have had at least one, I can only think of maybe three friends or family who've had DC without a miscarriage.

it's interesting how opinion differs on this so much. I think it's a bit insensitive of someone to send an ultrasound pic to a friend who has fertility difficulties. I have never had problems with my fertility btw but I find it a bit thoughtless.

I know it's called a missed miscarriage, I had one.

Unfortunately the world doesn’t stop and I think it’s really shitty to expect someone to hide their joy because you’re having a bad time.

As tragic as your own personal circumstances are it's unreasonable to expect others to keep silent about their personal joy..

So sending a picture of a foetus safe and sound and growing in the womb to a woman who has had recently had multiple miscarriages, is an appropriate, "joyful" thing to do is it?

No one is suggesting silence or hiding a pregnancy or pretending to not be happy. They are debating whether it is appropriate or insensitive for someone to privately message a friend who is struggling with infertility and has just had a miscarriage a scan picture of their own successful pregnancy when they could have just said "everything is good, thank you for asking. How are things with you?".

My point is that it's far more than 1 in 5 who've had a loss, and that you can't assume that everyone who's had a loss will find scan photos upsetting. Like I said I'd never send one unsolicited, but I think asking about the pregnancy muddies the water, especially when sharing photos of special events is the norm these days.

Absolutely nothing worse than friends keeping secrets because think you will get upset about “any topic”

People cannot live their lives worrying about unknown triggers for others .

If you will be triggered by pregnancy of others, end the friendship before it happens.

This. Exactly this.

Yes - many of us who have experienced losses find scan pictures triggering and honestly there is no need to share them with anyone at all. Anyone who says otherwise is being deliberately cruel as it is common knowledge.

Exactly this ❤️

If non pregnant friend was asking about the pregnancy then she bought the subject up. It’s a bit insensitive yes but you could view it as her just responding to what she was asked.

Exactly Perky. I’ve never had a miscarriage. Dd was my one and only pregnancy but she was ivf and it took a few attempts so I have suffered pain and trauma in a different way. I understood other women had been through pain and knew not to share my scan photos around unsolicited.

I think we can agree to disagree. I don’t think asking how a pregnancy is warrants a scan photo in return. It’s not needed. I just know going through infertility and loss i’d never send a scan and i’d also support someone who is upset by one. The pain of infertility and loss can run extremely deep, particularly if they still do not have a baby in their arms. Navigating friendships during infertility is just as hard and many experience loss of friendships too, asking how the pregnancy is going could have been extremely difficult to do, and a scan in return probably confirms why they were scared in the first place.

I think if you ask someone about their pregnancy, then you don't get to dictate how they respond.

I think this is a very good point.

of course you don't get to dictate how they respond but you will certainly take note of the response and evaluate the friendship in future. I think it's quite a crass response the more I think about it and yet I've been lucky to have had zero issues with my own fertility and I don't have any friends who have had problems either.

In normal circumstance, yes. But if you KNOW they’ve just had a miscarriage, surely you’d be a bit more sensitive. 🥴 the pregnant person would only moan that the non pregnant person ‘hasn’t checked in and it’s so selfish they can’t be happy for them’ 🙄