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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

279 replies

mumandmumber · 25/08/2024 14:32

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 25/08/2024 16:36

dreamer24 · 25/08/2024 16:29

Sorry but this.

I don't agree, sorry. She asked a question, not for a photo. What was she supposed to tell about the pregnancy from the photo other than it's literally still in place?

Like@PeachRose1986 says, there's something offhand about replying that way. I think most women of child bearing age who know the OP's story would have realised it took a lot to ask after the pregnancy and would have shown some tact in replying.

Not replying to @dreamer24 specifically

PerkyMintDeer · 25/08/2024 16:38

mumandmumber · 25/08/2024 15:46

@PerkyMintDeer this is a spookily similar scenario - it’s so interesting how some people can go from one side to the other. I guess it’s the hormones too? I have another friend who also did something similar.
I’m sorry to hear of your struggles, thanks for your thoughts & sharing

I'm sorry if I'm assuming, but others are suggesting that it's you who is struggling at the moment...if that's the case I am truly sorry.

Some advice - I regret the effort I went to at that time to be so happy for others at the expense of my own self-care.

I actually wish I'd pulled back a little, and not asked so much about the baby updates and been as hands on as I was once they were here. With distance and perspective, I can see I was just twisting the knife a bit deeper and it was all a bit masochistic, being "Perfect Aunty Perky" who was "so brave" and could be "so happy for all her mummy friends". I wish I'd said no to a few baby showers that I held back tears through only to throw up in the toilet afterwards.

I wish I'd told more than one friend to please not tell me that sometimes they hate their newborns so much they feel like strangling them when they've been screaming for hours because no, it doesn't make me feel "lucky" to be childless or that I'm "better off".

Or that sending a picture of a positive pregnancy test along with the message, "omg we're so fertile lmao, we've only had sex once all year!!!" to me the same week my long-term relationship that I hoped would lead to kids ended was a real dick move.

I went to so much effort to spare everyone elses' feelings and be so emotionally available to all the pregnant women and friends in the depths of the baby stage while swallowing all of my own emotions...and it made it all much worse. No one was looking out for me, but I was looking out for everyone else and putting on the happy face and being as kind and interested as is humanly possible.

It only got better for me when I withdrew from some friends for a bit, mourned, cried, wailed, raged in private...accepted a childless future. I actually had a nice-ish, childfree (as opposed to childless) time for a bit when I addressed the empty way I was feeling and looked at things to fill my life with that weren't kids but brought me even the tiniest bit of joy or peace. I'll admit, it changed some friendships...but it worked out in the end. The friendships that survived were the ones where we could have the difficult, "ugly", conversations.

Then there was this weird thing that happened, where it just didn't hurt as much. I got the distance I needed. So a scan pic was just a blurry, black and white blob. My heart and arms and body didn't ache when I held a newborn. A period was just a period again. Picking out tiny baby shower/newborn gifts didn't leave me sobbing in a heap. But it only happened because I started putting my own emotions before other peoples and being a bit more selfish.

And then it all finally happening much later than planned was actually a terrible shock and needed a whole new approach than I'd ever planned on because I'd grieved all of that and accepted I wouldn't be a mother. That's a whole other story. But prior to this the hormones had also calmed down, and that made a huge difference. Two years difference was quite literally like two totally different worlds/people. I'd cried all the tears, I'd felt all the bitterness...and I'd moved on.

This is my clumsy way of saying...it's ok to put you first. Don't feel you need to hold all these big emotions in, or feel guilty for having them. Time heals somewhat, either way (though I hope you get everything you want ultimately). It's ok to take a step back...real friends do understand (I promise). Look after yourself. Have a good cry if you have to. It does all eventually get easier.

Longma · 25/08/2024 16:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

FOJN · 25/08/2024 16:39

mumandmumber · 25/08/2024 14:49

These friends talk very frequently, so it would have been quite strange to NOT ask how a crucial appointment went.

If the appointment you were asking about was an u/s appointment then I think it would be reasonable for her to share the u/s images by way of response. I don't think she did anything wrong.

You want to be supportive despite you own fertility difficulties which is what friends do but maybe this experience shows there are some limits to what you can deal with at the moment and perhaps you need to adopt a more self protective approach for a while.

FreedomDogs · 25/08/2024 16:40

You (?) literally asked, they sent you an update. They weren't to know an ultrasound photo would be particularly triggering to you, or more triggering than a general conversation about it. People can't psychically guess your triggers if you don't inform them. You can't help being triggered but yabu to blame your friend for it.

(If you are not the you in this story, consider it a generic you)

Maray1967 · 25/08/2024 16:41

angeldelite · 25/08/2024 14:38

Pregnant friend was breathtakingly insensitive and thoughtless.

I’d advise non pregnant friend to take a big step back.

Agreed. OP, I’ve been where you are - only in my case the photos were shown to me face to face - or about to be - my DH had the sense to realise I would be upset and he looked at me while he was holding them and I shook my head and he passed them back. Nothing was said - but I never showed/sent mine to anyone unless they asked to see them.

I hope it works out for you -and your friend realises that she should have said she was doing well and thanked you for asking, not sent the photos.

Longma · 25/08/2024 16:41

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

OneFastDuck · 25/08/2024 16:43

If you ask someone how a scan appointment went then it's perfectly normal to get a scan photo in reply. In fact I'd say its odd if you didn't get one back.

Especially if it's a close friend who knows that otherwise all is well, there's not much else to say is there.

Loonaandalf · 25/08/2024 16:43

YANBU!!!!

I cannot stand baby ultrasounds photos. why do people think is interesting for the recipient? Really these scans are for you, your husband and maybe your close family if they ask.

I’m now pregnant after IVF and had similar issues when IVF was particularly tough with one friend who kept sending every single scan she had to the group chat, it wasn’t a watsapp group chat so I couldn’t even mute it. She wouldn’t ask how any of us were doing she would just send the scans. Then when she had the baby, she bombarded the chat with unsolicited baby photos, breastfeeding problems and general new mum complaints. All the while not asking me how IVF was going or asking me anything else that was happening in my life.

It’s utterly tasteless. I haven’t sent anyone my scan photos apart from family members who asked.

Maray1967 · 25/08/2024 16:44

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

You don’t send a photo or a text full of details when you’re replying to someone who’s had a loss - you just say you’re doing well/ok and thank them for asking. If the person replies and says tell me how xx went, then you can go further. It’s all about remembering that others are having a hard time and being sensitive.

PeachRose1986 · 25/08/2024 16:44

@Waterboatlass offhand is exactly the word I was grappling for!

Butterfly8719 · 25/08/2024 16:44

Never understand why people feel the need to share pregnancy scans. It can be upsetting for many people (1 in 5 infact) a simple ‘yes pregnancy is going well’ is enough, everyone will see baby when it’s born.

KerryBlues · 25/08/2024 16:44

MiddleagedBeachbum · 25/08/2024 14:39

No because the friend asked after the baby, so totally normal

No it isn't. Nobody needs to see an ultrasound unless they've expressly asked.
Checking on someone doesn't suggest you want to literally see their x rays.

Butterfly8719 · 25/08/2024 16:47

KerryBlues · 25/08/2024 16:44

No it isn't. Nobody needs to see an ultrasound unless they've expressly asked.
Checking on someone doesn't suggest you want to literally see their x rays.

Agreed

Fivebyfive2 · 25/08/2024 16:48

I'm a bit on the fence here op.

On one hand I've had miscarriages and I have friends who have also. We try to be sensitive to each other, both in terms of being supportive and excited when one has good news and also to be sensitive and caring towards each other when sharing any news.

But even with everyone trying their best, it's a minefield tbh. Everyone reacts differently and with the best will in the world, you can't always factor every possible trigger/reaction in.

In your case, unless your friend has form for being insensitive I'd maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. She didn't send it to you out the blue, she sent it as part of a reply to your message, specifically asking how the pregnancy was going. Maybe she got excited, maybe she had shown others and after you asked, she thought it would be ok. Maybe she didn't want you to think she'd shown others but not you? (Sounds weird but that actually happened in my group once, see my first statement of not being able to predict people!)

I'm sorry you found it triggering. I hope you're ok xx

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2024 16:48

I think sending baby ultrasound pictures to people unsolicited is fucking weird anyway to be honest, they all look the same. I have never understood why people think anyone outside immediate family would want to see these.

Sending unsolicited to someone known to have had pregnancy setbacks and infertility is borderline spiteful.

Longma · 25/08/2024 16:49

This reply has been withdrawn

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Loonaandalf · 25/08/2024 16:50

OneFastDuck · 25/08/2024 16:43

If you ask someone how a scan appointment went then it's perfectly normal to get a scan photo in reply. In fact I'd say its odd if you didn't get one back.

Especially if it's a close friend who knows that otherwise all is well, there's not much else to say is there.

Odd, how?

If someone asked me how an interview went, or how a party went, I wouldn’t send them a photo of the event necessarily so why is it any different for an ultrasound? The OP’s friend could have just replied, it went well, thanks. Or even ask the OP if she would like to see a photo before sending. So insensitive to send a photo when the OP is struggling.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/08/2024 16:50

Would have been to be a written reply, rather than the scan photo, especially as that may be both all the other person has to show for multiple attempts and a direct memory back to being told that they'd lost a(nother) baby.

Tintinuviel · 25/08/2024 16:51

I feel like neither is unreasonable.

You're hurting after a recent loss- your friend should have realised that asking how things are going isn't quite tge same thing as soliciting a request for ultrasound pictures. She could have asked if you were ready to see something like that.

But I also think that it was always a risk that if you asked about her pregnancy, that ste might overshare or upset you. I think you need to put in boundaries about what you feel ready to hear, and hist be honest with her if you aren't ready to hear about her pregnancy.

A lot of people struggling with fertility report things like surprise baby announcements, Ultrasound pictures etc are triggering for them. So i don't think this is unusual or unreasonable at all.

WickieRoy · 25/08/2024 16:51

I think the ease of WhatsApp and the like means we share photos for everything these days, much more so in the past. When anyone has asked after a first day at school or a holiday or Christmas for example, I'd reply with a photo or two and a few words about how it was. And I don't really use social media, don't have insta or anything.

I think for many, an ultrasound photo is just the same as the above.

SaintHonoria · 25/08/2024 16:53

As tragic as your own personal circumstances are it's unreasonable to expect others to keep silent about their personal joy..

WickieRoy · 25/08/2024 16:53

Butterfly8719 · 25/08/2024 16:44

Never understand why people feel the need to share pregnancy scans. It can be upsetting for many people (1 in 5 infact) a simple ‘yes pregnancy is going well’ is enough, everyone will see baby when it’s born.

Where did you get the 1 in 5 figure from? 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so most women will have one or two along the way to having their families. I can only think of a few women who I know definitely haven't had one. I don't think everyone who's had a miscarriage finds the scan photos upsetting though.

Icanttakethisanymore · 25/08/2024 16:53

YANBU - I definitely wouldn’t do this as the pregnant friend of a person who’d suffered a MC. I’m sorry for your loss xx

PerkyMintDeer · 25/08/2024 16:54

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Because the last U/S the non pregnant friend might have seen could have been the one confirming their baby had died or implantation never took place.

Or they might never have got to the scan pic stage, and longed to.

Not every scan is a happy experience and seeing them can bring up very real trauma in a way, "all good thanks, both doing well xx" just doesn't.