unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

Another shout out for Stickersandglitter's thoughtful and considerate post

I wouldn't to see these photos either, there's not really a need. In the 'old days', you had a physical photo and you would gauge the countenance of a friend in person and show or not show them.

True, it would awkward to say no! But i think if shoe was on the other foot, I would have just waited to be asked for a photo which would be a definite indicator that it was welcome.

to add, Non pregnant friend was not aware she would find the scan photo so triggering so to those saying she should have been clearer about that, it would have to be in retrospect.

If you weren’t even aware yourself that you would find a scan photo triggering, it seems pretty unreasonable to expect your friend to have known that?

To people who find scan photos triggering, does this also apply to pictures of the new baby once born? Or is is quite specific to the medical nature of a scan picture?

That is SO true. I often think about this!

I think if you ask someone about their pregnancy, then you don't get to dictate how they respond.

A reply of, "It went really well, look here she is!" Or what whatever is completely normal. It doesn't make the person unthoughtful at all.

If you're sensitive about other people's pregnancy news, then don't ask them for an update surely?!

I agree with you 100% OP. "Technically" she has done nothing wrong but there was no need for the visual. Just a few facts would have been fine.

I have no kids and never wanted any so I have no skin in this game. (I came to MN for the recipes and stayed for the doom scrolling before you all pile on me!)

I think the pregnant friend should have been more sensitive. She should have realised that her friend was making the effort to reach out but that it was a painful topic so just kept her reply to a minimum of information about the pregnancy and then moved the conversation on. To send a scan picture especially with no warning is definitely not an appropriate response.

Non pregnant friend was not aware she would find the scan photo so triggering so to those saying she should have been clearer about that, it would have to be in retrospect

If even YOU didn’t expect to be upset by seeing a scan photo, how could your friend have any idea she was upsetting you?

NB - you don’t have to continue with the pretence of this friend vs that friend, everyone reading understands which one is you.
And I hope this whole thing hasn’t derailed your bank holiday weekend.

Surely it can be more nuanced than this, you might want to show you care but have your enquiry treated with sensitivity.

Been in that situation. Colleague and I were pregnant at the same time. Her pregnancy continued to term, mine ended about 12 weeks. I could talk to her and ask how she was doing and make all the right noises, and tell her to stay put, I'll pick up the printing from the printer for her, etc . I could kind of shut off part of my brain, so I could have conversations without dwelling on the subject.

But a sudden and unexpected photo of the "should have been mine" baby would have been too much. I couldn't handle it when she bought the baby into the office either. I ended up going home - but I had not long had another m/c at that point, so it was all a bit raw.

It’s a difficult line to tread. You want to be concerned about your friend and not make things awkward, so are asking generally But you aren’t asking for an in-depth feedback or view of ultrasounds. It’s perfectly reasonable.

The response is ‘all well - have scan photos if you’d like to see sometime’

Totally disagree. Why do you need to send the ultra sound picture? I wouldn’t send this to a regular friend let alone one who had suffered a loss.

It was decent of her to check in and the best response would be ‘Hiya, thanks for checking in, yeah everything is ticking along nicely. Had a little bit of heartburn and an odd craving for Pork pies, but can’t grumble. Hope everything is good for you. Did you ever go for that promotion? Is your Mum better now? (Insert pleasantries by asking about her)

I feel a bit sorry for the friend here who is being castigated for being perfectly normal and excited about her baby. Hopefully you’ll know that one day and realise how unfair that is.

We don’t all go through life acutely aware of the inner torment others are living through - it’s not incumbent upon her to self censor ‘just in case’. In fact, knowing that she was doing that could equally be triggering too.

My advice is to take a step back and stop asking specifically about the pregnancy. Make your friendship rather than maternity be your focus.

Honestly OP, I don’t think anyone is unreasonable here. You have a few options going forward:

1. Tell pregnant friend you care about her but would prefer not to be sent ultrasound photos/updates specifically about the baby without warning
2. Stop asking about the pregnancy but converse about other things. When she brings up the pregnancy change the topic
3. Continue as you are, sit with your feelings but know your friend does not want to hurt you
4. End the friendship (seems an awful shame).

I think if you’re good enough friends to be checking in so often you’re okay to tell her it hurts you to see/hear these things. Any good friend, especially one that has had difficulties, would understand and do their best to be sensitive.

I really hope things work out for you and you get to experience it yourself too.

I found unsolicited scan pics hugely triggering.

I'd come off social media when I was suicidal over being childless at 35...it was a really rough patch and it seemed like everyone was pregnant or had an adorable newborn. Christmasses were especially painful. All those Facebook announcements with scan pictures while you are feeling like an utter failure. So to protect my mental health, I came off. But it didn't stop the scan pictures being sent to me (or 30-40 adorable baby pics and videos at once when a baby arrived).

I'd often be sent scan pics privately on WhatsApp or Messenger...sometimes without any other message...just the scan pic. Then, "Did you get the pic Aunty Perky?!" if I didn't reply within 30 mins. Usually because I was sobbing in a heap as my period had just come. You could be so happy for a friend or relative but so disappointed in yourself...this awful chemical, hormonal, longing and feeling that you had utterly failed yourself (and your immediate family).

My best friend was going through struggles to conceive and confided in me that every scan picture her little sister sent her was a dagger through her heart, she'd cry for days etc etc - I explained I understood, shared my own experiences and how that visceral reaction to scan pics was doubly horrible as not only was it grief, it was shame and self hatred at my own body and my ugly emotion of envy. We cried together. Then 8 weeks later she did the exact same thing to me, "I know what we said about scan pics, but I know this time you won't mind the scan spam because it's me that's expecting!"

It's irrational, it's an ugly emotion...but it is very painful and unless you've experienced it yourself, you won't get it.

Most people won't get it either, because if they do sit and think about it, they may realise they inadvertently hurt a loved one or friend in the past.

However...

Sometimes we have to take responsibility to say, "I don't want to offend you but although I'm so happy for you, I find seeing scan pictures hard while I'm going through my own struggles to conceive. Please could you not share them with me?" We can't expect people to be psychic. Hopefully, enough people know that scan pictures can be difficult for women who have experienced involuntary childlessness, infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth etc. But I guess we can't assume.

Cue lots of MNers telling me I'm wrong and we can't police the sending of scan pics etc. No, we can't, I know.

And no. When it was my turn, I didn't share them. Some people asked, "have you got a pic?" and I would show them. If they said, "did everything go alright?", I responded with words, not pictures.

Photos of New born babies definitely stir up similar feelings but like others have said, having had a loss and ‘seen’ that loss in the form of an ultrasound, it’s something about that in particular.

I take your point re expecting her to anticipate feelings even I didnt anticipate.. I guess I did but just didnt realise how strong they would be.
I think some of frustration comes from knowing that if the shoe was on the other foot, she would definitely feel the same way I do, and be openly pissed off.
I know this because I’ve known her all my life, and know she is sensitive in this way.

Insensitive but ill judged rather than not caring

What were you supposed to tell from the pic?

People just don't think in nuances. She could have said 'all well thanks for asking...XYZ detail. I have scan pics from yesterday if you'd like to see?'.

I wouldn't think too much of it if she's normally a good egg, she may have taken your asking after the pregnancy as a green light but I think she should have known to take it in stages xxx

It is a difficult situation for both of you, with kindness you asked and she responded in a reasonable manner IMO. I went through a lot of fertility treatment and the emotions that come with that and had friends get pregnant in that time, photos etc so I get the emotions that brings up. You are perfectly entitled to feel how you feel and that can include sadness for yourself. The place I had to get to was being happy for them but sad for me. I’m sure you wanted to hear it went well and happy news. When I then was pregnant I was thrilled to share scan photos with friends who asked because I never thought it would be me in that position and it was incredibly special for me to be able to do that and not just see disappointment and heartbreak on an ultrasound machine. I do think asking about a scan, sending a photo is a standard response these days and she is possibly caught up in her own feelings and excitement she can’t see your side? Especially if she has had her own issues previously. If you know now that photos are a boundary then you can communicate with her to say that if you need to.

@mumandmumber

i think it's a bit of both. She's your friend, you talk often & about her pregnancy. You ask after her scan how the pregnancy was going/how was it/she & I think it's a normal reaction for many these days to just forward the image. But she probably should have thought a lot harder & not sent it unless you carried on & maybe asked.

although I might have had a sharp intake of breath & felt a bit sad, I personally wouldn't have been cross with my friend.

Im very sorry about your loss & I hope you get your successful pregnancy soon xx

I couldn't even look at my own scans with my very fortunate rainbow, had them turn the viewing screen off in hospital. Ultrasounds are triggering for me because that is how I found out my baby had passed at 21 weeks and the image has never left me. My sister when pregnant even after my rainbow didn't share scans because she knew of my issues and I was so grateful, thrilled when my nephew was born of course but even seeing scans on TV I find difficult. Friends can be happy for each other and understand each other's pain, I think if she knew ultrasound is triggering, don't share.

You could spin this on its head and ask is it really appropriate to be asking how the pregnancy is going?

People find out alsorts at scans. Abnormalities, incompatabilities etc and if pregnant friend had discovered any of these issues it could have been really distressing for the friend or even if that friend was open to discussing it could have been even more distressing for the not pregnant friend as they may not be finishing processing their own grief to support someone else with theirs.

The only safe option was to not instigate a discussion about the pregnancy.

It's also really normal for your own support needs to fluctuate so one moment you might feel fine but the next moment you might not and that's a completely normal reaction to grief. You don't have a shiny crystal ball that helps you predict the future of how you will feel.

You're only responsible for your own actions and reactions and you're not responsible for any one else's.

In this case the friend just assumed that the pregnancy news was positive and that you didn't mind sharing it seen as you instigated that discussion.

Protect your peace though. Just lay down that boundary so then your friend knows what your current tolerance levels are for pregnancy related news.

@PerkyMintDeer this is a spookily similar scenario - it’s so interesting how some people can go from one side to the other. I guess it’s the hormones too? I have another friend who also did something similar.
I’m sorry to hear of your struggles, thanks for your thoughts & sharing

I think sending a scan photo to anyone is weird. I never did and always find it odd to be sent any or seen them on social media. It's a medical image of your insides.

I had little interest in seeing my own let alone anyone else's.

I’m so surprised by the responses here. Make me forget how the majority haven’t experienced fertility issues and pregnancy loss. OP YANBU, it’s totally inappropriate. I would never send a scan pic unless someone asked to see one. And I’d tell your friend that it’s inappropriate. Same with pics of pregnancy tests-not ok at all. Sending a scan picture is a stupid response; you asked how she was and that doesn’t tell you!

for your loss OP.

I’ve not read the thread, but if you are asking if seeing a scan is like a punch in the gut, I can say I’ve been there.

I have even found scans on my own advanced pregnancies extremely triggering - I absolutely hate them and due to my high risk all of my pregnancies have meant lots of scans.

I’m sure you are over the moon for your friend, it isn’t her, it’s you and your sad history that’s the issue.