unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

It's a tricky one. I'd never send an unsolicited scan photo to a friend who'd recently had a loss, but at the same time sharing scan pics is a very normal thing to do, and asking after the pregnancy does mean the photo wasn't unsolicited as such. I do think there's a difference between posting a scan photo on FB for everyone to see and replying to a good friend who's asked about the pregnancy.

I had a loss discovered at a scan and I don't find scan photos upsetting at all, I don't think you can assume. Some would be hurt to be treated with kid gloves.

This.
You can tell some people here have no idea.

Don't let anyone bully you into believing you are unreasonable.

Of course it's hard, painful a d triggering. You're allowed to take a step back.
I would've never, in a million years done something like that. Friend can always respond saying everything's okay, thanks.

We had a terrible experience with one couple after our loss. We stopped speaking due to over reasons but I'm glad we did because I would've never been able to see them. As friends or want to meet up after they'd done something quite shitty.

Does it matter if anyone was unreasonable here? An answer from someone on mumsnet saying 'yes, how outrageously insensitive' or 'you're overreacting' isn't going to help you I expect.

If you have a close friendship with this person, I think you can assume that she wouldn't have intentionally sent this to hurt you. I am in my mid 30s and this is a tricky age in many friendships as people's lives deviate hugely - we have the whole range in my friendship group - from struggling with fertility, living with the ups and downs of young children, happily childfree, single and unhappy about it. We all love each other and want to stay close and I think the way to do that is to be honest about the ups and downs. I think it's worth a gentle chat with your friend saying you're so happy for her and you want to stay so close but you did find xyz upsetting and can you discuss how you're going to navigate it. And then assume good intentions from everyone involved.

I can see from both perspectives here.

I think if you’re excited and pregnant you probably aren’t thinking fully about the impact of sending what should be an unremarkable ultrasound pic.
Also if you’ve never had a miscarriage you really can’t appreciate the extent of how horrendous it is.

ive had two miscarriages and I can say unsolicited ultrasounds pics are pretty shitty to receive BUT said friend can’t and won’t hopefully ever appreciate the awfulness of baby loss.

it really have to be taken as no one at fault x

I would find the news of a pregnancy potentially upsetting but not the ultrasound picture specifically. So if I was dealing with it well enough to reach out and ask how the pregnancy was going then I wouldn’t be upset by her sharing a scan photo and would want her to feel able to share her joy especially if she had had fertility issues in the past.

It's no surprise that anxiety levels are climbing exponentially. Having to overthink every single interaction with every single person all the time like this. If you ask about a pregnancy, expect to receive an update about it, in this case a scan image. If you don't want the update, don't ask.
Will the new parents also have to think about who they can or can't share their happy news with, just in case it is upsetting for someone?
This seems like classic main character syndrome to me, expecting everyone around you to always put you (and I mean you in general) front and centre, rather than actually they just answered a question that was put to them.

Lovely post @brightdazzling

I am someone who has experienced repeated miscarriage and if I had opened a conversation to my friend to check in on her pregnancy, I would fully expect my friend to discuss said pregnancy/share scans.

I may feel differently if I received a random scan photo message, but if I initiated the conversation, then how can my friend be blamed for responding in this way? Perhaps to avoid this in future, communicate that scans are something you find triggering however you would love to know how her general wellbeing is at the moment.

I think that IS insensitive. She could have said all was fine, without sending that.

I would assume if they’ve asked then it’s fine to send a photo.

Your example of the wedding anniversary is not quite the same, stickers. The equivalent scenario would be you sending such a photo of you and your husband in response to the question "how is your anniversary celebration going?" - I think you'd agree that would be normal. In the watch example, the equivalent question might be "purchased any nice watches lately?", in response to which, a photo of the watch would also be considered normal.

OP, your question to your friend, if I read you right, was "how did your pregnancy checkup go today?". Given the question, her response was fine, unless she was meant to know how triggering the photo would be to you. I would argue that if you knew you would be triggered by scan photo, then perhaps not ask the question, or couch it differently. Something like "hear it went well today, so pleased for you - when can we next catch up properly?"

I'm sorry for your miscarriages, OP. I have suffered two, and I remember the pain tainted by fear. I still don't think your friend was out of order. Maybe take a step back for the time being.

I know it everyone is like me but I had a series of miscarriages and had to go to work and serve pregnant clients. It never bothered me and had nothing to do with me.

That said, although we actively choose to have a kid it was kind of a tough decision, so I probably wasn't feeling as desperate about it as others.

I have experienced recurrent and late stage pregnancy loss so I know how difficult it can be to have pregnant friends and friends with babies.

However I think if you initiated the conversation your friend was under the assumption that you were caring and interested.

If you are not then I would refrain from asking in the future to protect your peace and wellbeing. It’s okay to be upset and you don’t need to pretend otherwise.

I'm going to add that I think honest conversation is key - and assumptions about what someone might/might not want to know can be unhelpful. In our group one of the girls who is struggling with fertility was quite upset to feel her closest friend wasn't sharing details of her pregnancy with her. She understood close friend was trying to be sensitive - but actually felt she could compartmentalise and that her fertility problems had taken so much from her and now it was going to result in her growing distant from one of her closest friends because of an assumption she wouldn't want to know about the pregnancy.

Non pregnant friend was kind to ask despite own problems.

Pregnant friend was thoughtless. Would have been better to say, "Everything's going well. Would you like to see the scan?"

Even if non pregnant friend didn't feel able to say no, she would have had a chance to prepare herself. If looking at the scan would have been upsetting, she could have given the phone to her partner to delete it without her having to look at it.

Rather insensitive but people share everything these days

Yes, I feel its a bit insensitive but I don’t like it when people just send a photo with no accompanying text, anyway. Hard to describe but I find it lazy and kind of braggy. It’s as though they can’t actually be bothered to properly connect or find out how YOU are.

I can't have children and suffered many losses but I still am happy for and celebrate my friends pregnancies. Them being pregnant isn't a slight at me, they haven't got pregnant to spite me. I want the best for my friends, I don't want friends to censor themselves around me. I was send a happy reply to a scan pic.

Sorry but this.

Completely missed the mark and thoughtless with it

👏

She could share without the pictures

And how's your sensitivity bypass going?

I don't think the ultrasound was necessary at all

A simple ''progress report'' would have been fine

I don’t understand how in the world this is a nasty post!?