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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go pick brother up? Released from prison

143 replies

Mrsgrapesauce · 25/08/2024 11:10

Brother has a history of heroin abuse last 10 years unfortunately. He was caught shoplifting 6 months ago and went to jail. He has done so well there managed to gain weight and had a job whilst there and was receiving support.

He has gone back to my mums now where all of his temptations are. Speaking with him he sound so clear headed and wants to change but doesn’t have the support.

I have 2 weeks off work now where I feel I can fully commit and support him. I plan to take him away for a week with mum just so I let him see another side of life. Planning on setting him up with a passport and finding a job to keep him busy.

DH thinks im wasting my time but I really feel I can do it. I lost my other brother due to a drug addiction and I don’t want to lose him.

OP posts:
tommika · 25/08/2024 11:13

It might not work - but it also might work

This is a good time to keep his mind elsewhere, and away from his usual environment
Do it

Rincewindswind · 25/08/2024 11:14

You sound amazing. Do what you want to do to support your brother.
It's a shame your husband isn't supporting you though. Especially as you have lost one brother already.
I really hope your brother can turn his life around, but remember he has to want too, first and foremost 🪻

ManchesterGirl2 · 25/08/2024 11:14

Sorry for your loss. 💐

It may work or it may not. I think if you can afford to give the time, money and emotional energy, knowing that he still might go back to using, then it would be a lovely thing to do. It might help him, and if not then you'll know you did what you could. Id prioritise making sure he is linked into local addiction services so that he has other avenues of support once you're back at work.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 25/08/2024 11:16

I totally see where your DH is coming from.

But ultimately, you would probably never forgive yourself if you didn't at least try.

obsessedwithfreshbread · 25/08/2024 11:17

@Mrsgrapesauce
Good luck, I really hope it works out and he can stay on the right path.
Was he able to get clean in prison? Is he continuing with counselling?

tommika · 25/08/2024 11:17

…., and regarding the job he had in prison.

Was it ‘just’ an assigned job in the prison or one of the ‘prison industries’ workshops etc ?

I visited a prison workshop many years ago that had sub contracted under some of our contracts.
They learned trade skills and the prison had a list of companies that would take their prisoners on leaving
(They didn’t give personal details of prisoners to the companies but would refer the prisoners on)

Heybearu · 25/08/2024 11:17

I think that would be a beautiful thing to do, you know you can't save him right? But showing him hope and love is kind.. what support have you got in place for you though? Alanon are good to chat to. Is he engaging with the fellowships or a recovery service? The fellowships are amazing and everyone I know who has successfully long term recovered has been through CA or AA but obviously he has to be in the right place to want to do that.

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2024 11:17

I think you need to try for your own peace of mind.

If the worst happens, you need to know you did all you could to help him.

SadieDadie · 25/08/2024 11:18

You sound amazing.

Heybearu · 25/08/2024 11:18

His local recovery service may be able to help with support towards employment too they often do volunteer roles with loads of training that progress to paid work.

Heybearu · 25/08/2024 11:19

But ultimately he has to choose recovery for himself

Fimbledore · 25/08/2024 11:19

Of course you're not being unreasonable. 💐

KL29 · 25/08/2024 11:20

Be mindful that if he has been released on licence he is only approved to reside at your mums address, he will need permission to go away and stay elsewhere for a break.
good luck helping your brother!

theduchessofspork · 25/08/2024 11:22

Definitely worth a shot

Focus on setting him up with some support systems as well as a nice holiday

He needs to be at NA very regularly

Happyinarcon · 25/08/2024 11:23

Google naltrexone implants

dottiedodah · 25/08/2024 11:32

I think you sound very kind and caring .Yes it would be a lovely thing to do , I think you can only do your best though.It will be up to him as well.Could he move closer to you maybe ,to keep away from temptation.He would benefit from time with you and your Mum together .Hopefully all will go well and he will turn his life around .Even if not you will have done all you can

Original poster
Mrsgrapesauce · 25/08/2024 11:33

Thanks everyone! I’m going to pick him up tomorrow I’m hoping it won’t be too late.

DH is completely against it and putting me off but I have to try otherwise I will never forgive myself.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 25/08/2024 11:34

Go for it, give him all the help you can and try and keep him away from his old life.

Just manage your expectations.

Mysinglepringle · 25/08/2024 11:34

It may not work. But it definitely won't work if you don't try.

Fimat · 25/08/2024 11:35

Please do it if you can.
I work in prisons.
The first couple of weeks after release are so overwhelming and many reoffend straight away as it’s very stressful and if they don’t have support they’ll usually go back to their usual coping techniques.
A change of scenery initially is great, somewhere peaceful just to breathe again and then if you could help him get a routine going asap.
I’m not saying you can do it all but if you can support him to find the four legs that will hold him up…safe shelter, a sense of purpose (job) , healthy relationships (yourself and you mum etc) and enjoyable leisure time ( gym, cinema, fishing , whatever old hobbies he used to have)
Best of luck to you all, it can happen, yes he needs to want to do it but his chances are so much higher if he has support .

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 25/08/2024 11:36

Look into abstinence based housing, he needs to carry on in a programme , surrounded by people and mentors with the same goal if he goes back to his previous area or will be so much harder. I've worked with first place hiding but know there are others. He would be better off not having a job while there at universal credit will pay his rent which would be expensive if he was to book in privately. They do therapy, group sessions, twelve step plus activities everyday so it starts a purposeful routine, Emmaus are similar but you work in their charity shops/workshops while you are resident there. That kind of housing has pathways to longer term tenancies and HA.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 25/08/2024 11:37

Also if he is scripted he will need that transferred to wherever you are

Original poster
Mrsgrapesauce · 25/08/2024 11:37

Fimat · 25/08/2024 11:35

Please do it if you can.
I work in prisons.
The first couple of weeks after release are so overwhelming and many reoffend straight away as it’s very stressful and if they don’t have support they’ll usually go back to their usual coping techniques.
A change of scenery initially is great, somewhere peaceful just to breathe again and then if you could help him get a routine going asap.
I’m not saying you can do it all but if you can support him to find the four legs that will hold him up…safe shelter, a sense of purpose (job) , healthy relationships (yourself and you mum etc) and enjoyable leisure time ( gym, cinema, fishing , whatever old hobbies he used to have)
Best of luck to you all, it can happen, yes he needs to want to do it but his chances are so much higher if he has support .

Thank you so much this is my plan! Xx

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 25/08/2024 11:40

You sound amazing and I echo other posters in their support of you. Ignore DH. It isn't HIS brother. Same as if the shoe was on other foot and it was his brother and you were against it most people would say the none related party needs to mind their own business if it doesn't affect them.
Best wishes for his recovery xxx

newyear2024 · 25/08/2024 11:42

Why is your husband so against it OP? Do you have young children? What was your brother like towards your family before he went inside? Is your husband worried about your expectations or does he just not believe in your brothers recovery?

I think people need all the support they can get, but ultimately he has to want it. I really hope with your support and your mums he can make it. I'm sorry for the loss of your other brother x

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