To go pick brother up? Released from prison

[Mrsgrapesauce]

Brother has a history of heroin abuse last 10 years unfortunately. He was caught shoplifting 6 months ago and went to jail. He has done so well there managed to gain weight and had a job whilst there and was receiving support.

He has gone back to my mums now where all of his temptations are. Speaking with him he sound so clear headed and wants to change but doesn’t have the support.

I have 2 weeks off work now where I feel I can fully commit and support him. I plan to take him away for a week with mum just so I let him see another side of life. Planning on setting him up with a passport and finding a job to keep him busy.

DH thinks im wasting my time but I really feel I can do it. I lost my other brother due to a drug addiction and I don’t want to lose him.

A dear friend of mine was a heroin addict for 15 years. In and out of prison, his life was a mess.
His last stint in the big house lead him to a rehab facility where he become a completely different person ( I'm aware rehab doesn't work for everyone). He turned his life around even when everyone doubted him. He lead the last 10 years of his life with various health problems due to his past abuse but he managed to settle down, pass his driving test, get a house, go on holidays. I was incredibly proud and lucky to have him as a friend. He sadly passed away to SEPSIS a few years ago now.

You are amazing for wanting to help your brother and if this is someone truly wants then he can do it and even more so with you by his side.

Just make sure you know your boundaries and if I can give you one bit of advice, is that if he relapses you have to have to walk away because it means he's not ready yet ❤️

Good luck Op.

I know heroin addicts that live on my estate and they live in houses with others trying to recover. I know that they have 'drug workers' which are drugs based support workers. I hope he gets all the support he needs.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but do you think there are deeper reasons for him being a former addict? It's probably really obvious, but I'd suggest therapy for underlying issues. Could he be neurodiverse?
People that are sometimes self medicate.

It's not that easy with methadone unlike normal scripts

I would feel exactly the same as you.

I wouldn't want to have any regrets.

Please be careful about exposing your children and family to an addict. Regardless of whether he's currently using or not.

You clearly feel love and loyalty towards your brother, which may well cloud your judgment.

Having spent wasted years trying to help my addict brother, who I loved very much, I would never go there again.

Do it for your mum. And someday irregardless of the outcomes for your brother you can explain to your children you did try very hard to help. Addiction a disease characterized by recovery and relapse. Keep in mind a disease (like cancer) and relapse (like a failed remission). Best hope for you your brother and mum op

Offering a place away from his using environment is helpful but please don't try to organise his life for him. He may need some assistance with certain tasks but he has to take responsibility for them. Some people will frame this as tough love but I think it's about dignity and building confidence in recovery.

You have children so your boundary must be that he has to leave if he uses.

Not when young children are involved.

I think OP sounds a great sister - but I don’t think it’s fair if her kids/husband are negatively impacted. Which fingers crossed (and boundaries in place) - they won’t be.

@RisingSunn

"Not when young children are involved.

I think OP sounds a great sister - but I don’t think it’s fair if her kids/husband are negatively impacted. Which fingers crossed (and boundaries in place) - they won’t be."

Unless a mother or father aren't ever going to have anything else in their lives or work or care about anyone else, then their children can never always be completely first priority and it's probably actually a good thing they see their mother care for their uncle.

As for OP's husband yeah it's ok if he's not her first priority for the next week as an adult he can cope with that and should support Op and if he can't, id be questioning the relationship.

I was the husband in very similar circumstances and it ultimately cost me my marriage.
Relation of my wife was a junkie waster. In and out of prison, always full of lies and broken promises. We had children, my ex kept insisting on putting him up, when I managed to stop that (after a load of thefts to go score, including my service medals!) She was slipping him money and gave him a key!!

It all came to a head when his dealer turned up with the weasel in tow, who had said that we would bail him out of his drugs debt! Massive row with my kids cowering at the back of the house, threats to come back with machetes the works. Luckily this was pre Dunblane and they had had an argument before even ringing the doorbell, giving me forewarning to go get my handgun from the safe (thank christ my ex didn't know where the key was, she doubtless would have told him as some sort of 'have to show him trust' naivety) so managed to scare the dealer off.

He died a while back. Good riddance. Stole from my children whilst they slept, bought his filthy drugs into our house. Could never forgive my ex for letting that scum have so much access to my children and forgiving again and again and again no matter how much he hurt us all.

'Shacklingrusty' - I don't think your reply is at all helpful to the OP and is insensitive. Sorry for your situation but you can't stereotype everyone dependent on drugs as being the same.

Mrsgrapesauce - you sound very understanding and compassionate. He is lucky to have you.

When we had an addict in our family, I got support from www.famanon.org.uk and I still go to meetings. Families Anonymous is a 12 step programme for the families/friends when there is a suspected drug problem, they have a forum, helpline, litrature, both zoom and in person meetings. Over the years, I have learnt not to enable, look after me, set boundaries etc.
It's so easy to get sucked into rescuing/enabling an addict, unless you have very firm boundaries in place.
There is plenty of support for addicts, if they really want recovery.

I think it's naïve and unhelpful to pretend that enough love and support is all it takes for an addict to overcome their addiction.

shacklingrusty is sharing his own story as a cautionary tale and it's rather insensitive of you to reprimand him for it.

If you understand addiction at all you will know that it makes people behave in incredibly selfish and dishonest ways. How people behave in addiction tells us about the power of addiction rather than the character of the person.

Agree with FOJN

I think it's very relevant that those with experience are usiing words such as boundaries, and talking about the role of the addict in plotting out his own recovery rather than being passive while relatives move things around for him

Many addicts change. NA is not the only option. If I was made to go to NA I'd still be using. I really get annoyed when people say that NA and AA are the only routes to recovery. Sometimes people just need a different choice to using.

OP support your brother to make good choices but be prepared to let him make shit ones and don't feel bad about it.

You’re a good person and a great sister. If there’s a chance to help you should take it, I wish you good luck

can he get the implant. my nephew is a different man with it.he refuses engage in support..other than coming to me. theres been times when his use of narcs has rendered that impossible. hopeful his last time in prison was his very last.

he weaned rapidly of methaadone and tho reluctant eventuaally got implant. has gotten his job bag,and his mental health is so much better.
drugs is given round here-the recovery program d0oes wonders. my favourite ever facebook post ws 3 guys who round 45-50,used since 15 skinny wasted away "no marks"aand this summer they all went to greece after couple years on recovery-all big chunks of men jumping off boats into the se.he can change.
all the love in world -cant do it for him.
x

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think you're a fantastic sister and hope my kids support one another like this. You sound extremely nurturing.

If it works - Fantastic. I think it will work because with encouragement in prison he has come far already! Now he is going to get even more encouragement from you. You can even get him a Key Worker and a WC from the JC. There are support packages at the DWP for prison leavers.

If it doesn't work- You tried. You won't regret not trying. You will have known you did your best.

Without support he has no hope, it may not work but it also just might good luck to you but if it fails it is because he isn't ready to change

What a lovely sister you are. If you're able to and want to I say go for it.
You regret the things you didn't do etc
Hope it goes well.

What an amazing sister you are. I’d do the same as you and then you have no regrets. You will have tried.

Yes absolutely do this! Watch the Johann Hari ted talk about addiction, it shows that addicts who are supported and have connections have a much greater chance of overcoming their addiction.

He needs to be out from the environment that has people that enables encourages him

@JemimaPuddleduck7 You brother needs to get support from 12 step programs. The one for him is N.A which is Narcotics Anonymous. Link below.

There are also H.A (Heroin Anonymous) however there aren't as many of them.

12 step program is available 24/7 (famously started by A.A) and are based on like minded people supporting each other.

I am a long term member of A.A. I am also a member of Al-Anon for families of and ACDAAC so know these programs work.

You can also Google support for families of the addiction U.K. Make sure you put U.K in as these 12 step fellowships are worldwide.

If alcohol was an issue you can go to Al-Anon. Some useful links below. These are his/the families best way forward

https://ukna.org/ (N.A)

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/