My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Sorry that should say have you been using contraception or not?

You're three times more likely to miscarry if your partner is aged 40 or above. Mens fertility starts declining around 30 and by 40+ the deformity to their sperm is significant enough to mainly cause miscarriages or genetic disorders.

There'll always be outliers, but it's a myth that men's fertility doesn't decline similar to women's. Both men and women will fare better fertility wise with a younger partner

@Blondiebeachbabe 100 million per cent this!!! You mentioned a few 'what ifs' that ran through my mind too...

Re; your friend who had her DC in her very late 40s. I have known 6 women in my entire life, who had a baby (naturally conceived) at that stage in life, 46 to 49 (just 6 in my whole life of 50-ish years,) and they ALL had similar issues to what your friend did with her DC. Not one single one was without some kind of issue.

I think it's a case of just because you CAN do something, that doesn't necessarily mean you should. It's physically possible to have a baby at 13, (or even younger for some girls,) but not a very good idea (for a number of different reasons.) And yep. the fact that your child would be still at school when you were drawing your state pension is a terrifying thought!

You are just getting your freedom back after having to put someone else first since you were 16.
This is your time now, you won't get another chance. Your whole adult life would have been spent child rearing. You realistically wouldn't be free again until your mid sixties. You have to absolutely want that above all else or you will resent it.

This is very interesting. Six is a lot! I do wonder if there is a correlation there. I have no idea. I think my friend possibly regrets having a baby at 49, as he is so difficult to manage (although of course she loves him very much). It's harder as well, because there is no help from Grandparents, given that 2 are deceased, and the other two are almost 80! But once they're here, you can't exactly put them back!

That is in my whole lifetime though @Blondiebeachbabe

Right from my childhood. (I was born 50-ish years ago,) I have only known six women who had a baby in their late 40s!!! And 3 of them had them in the late 1950s or 1960s.

I just knew these children whose mums had them in their late 40s when I was growing up.

Then I know 3 other women who had babies around that age when I was in my 20s and 30s. (This is despite lots of posters on MN saying they and many of their peers and friends have one or more babies after 45.)

It w %%%as unreasonable to use the possibility of a baby and dangle it in front of him to get him doing more. It was unreasonable to not be straight forward and say you do not want a child rather than wait 10 years into the relationship to tell him.
Nothing unreasonable about not wanting a baby, it is something both parents should want 100%, but he should have known that you do not want another baby from the beginning.

Learnt something new! Thanks

Alot of women have kids at the same age.
I dont understand the hype for being an older mum some will be parenting way into their 50s 60s even 70s.

She wasn’t ’dangling’ it - she was telling him what she needed to see before she agreed to it. That he didn’t step up is on him, the same way his choice not to actively pursue it is also on him.

It sounds like she was open to the possibility at the beginning, but that has changed as time has passed. OP has been honest with him throughout, and actually very clear.

If neither of you could cope with an additional needs child then I wouldn't bother, as that is always a possibility. At his age, there's a higher risk of this being the case.

Maybe say that you can't go through babyhood again however it may not be too many more years until they are grandparents and when that happens he can help your daughter out with childcare if she wants it.

Absolutely do not say this!

Not really. Judging by the number of threads on here and conversations I've had in real life, how many men suddenly start doing more housework once babies come along? I see nothing wrong with saying you'd be open to having a baby with someone if they show they can be an equal partner in the relationship. It feels like bare minimum prerequisite.

If he wants to be a SAHD why is he not taking on the lion's share of the housework at the moment? If he can't be arsed to step up walking a dog (who's needs are significantly less complex and time consuming than a human) for a even a few months, why would OP think he would be proactive in caring for a baby?

I had my first as a teenager, I had my last at 39. I found it much harder to be losing sleep, getting up at the crack of dawn as a teenager. Teenagers love their sleep.

I think it’s very clear that OP’s decision is right for her and therefore she is NBU to stick to it.

What is not clear is whether OP and husband have been using contraception or not, which I think is relevant.

1. Sorry - I used quotes because I was talking about the meaning of the phrase used (as well as just the spelling). I probably should have used the OP’s incorrect spelling for clarity. I spelled it “fazed” and she spelled it “phased” - like practically everybody here seems to!
2. My point is that, whether or not she made it clear to her husband at the time, the way she has reported it to us makes it sound like she was not averse to the idea, so she is getting responses accordingly - as if she had strung him along. She says she made it clear to HIM so if she worded her OP appropriately she would get more appropriate responses I would think.

You dont say why this is relevant but happy to disclose, I was on the pill initially then switched to Natural Cycles app under medical advice.

The OP is still in her 30s so I don't understand what people you knew who were ten years older has to do with it.

I had my last at 39, I was the youngest but one in my NCT group, the majority were having their first. One had a premature birth, not due to age but because she was a nurse and picked up an infection at work, all the babies were fine.

I wasn't drawing my SRP when he graduated from university and he'd had a gap year.

At 45 it would be a no from me. There's been years and he hasn't been overly keen about it or consistent

Leaving aside the obvious question of whether he really understands how much he'd be giving up, on the face of it you wouldn't lose that much. You could go back to work within a few months. Problem is, I very much doubt he's planning on giving up work altogether, has he worked out how much nursery fees will cost?

Ofcourse he hasn’t. He’s got no idea.

He couldn’t and I certainly couldn’t. I found it difficult enough having as ASD brother growing up.

It's a bit like buying a child a pet, isn't it?

"Mum, mum, if you let me have a hamster, I'll change it's bedding, I'll clean out its cage, I'll feed it and give it water".

You need to buy the hamster in the knowledge that you'll probably end up doing and paying for everything.

@dazedandconfuseddaily yeah...I hope you can get him to understand the reality. I had an amazing life and career until I had my first at 35 and my last at 40. One of them has birth defects and special needs. Obviously I love them, but objectively the downside is so much bigger than the upside. Our lives revolve purely around them and I often feel as if we've lost many of the things we had in common. No time for each other or our hobbies, travel in school holidays is insanely expensive, our lives are very small.