My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

You can't possibly believe that. He's already proven he won't pull his weight. He won't even walk the fucking dog. It's laughable that you think he would care full-time for a child.

Presumably when you had the original conversation then, you didn’t actually say you were “not fazed?” Because in addition to not being able to spell it, you also don’t seem to know what it means

1. OP has spelled "fazed" correctly. "Phased" is incorrect.
2. while that might not have been the optimum word, it seems that overall she was very clear with her spouse that she didn't particularly want to reproduce again and that if having a baby was a dealbreaker for him, he shouldn't marry her.

Well it is a deal breaker for your relationship isn’t it, since you’re saying that if he was adamant about having a child it would be a deal breaker for you.

Actually this is a much better indicator of what sort of dad he would be, what sort of step-dad has he been. Forget dogs- is this a man who had been a 2nd parent to your dd or has he just been someone in the house?

How can anyone say you havent been clear??

You've been plenty clear, he has just been happy to slide along and hope for a change without actually showing that he would be more than a passenger parent.

Don't do it unless you want to end up a resentful single parent. You've done 23 years, I can see why you wouldn't want to do another 23 from scratch.

Sadly i can well imagine him using it as an excuse to run off with a younger woman in 5 years, before leaving her within another 5 years because a baby is too much work for him, even at a sub 50% effort rate.

You have been plenty clear:

• I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child.

• There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years.

• He still doesn’t walk the dogs 50% of the time.

• It was a first date conversation (we were friends for 6 years first). And an ongoing one prior to us getting married.

• he’d like one, but has always known it’s not something I was keen on as I never really wanted to put my body through another pregnancy as I almost died the first time. And from the off I’ve always said if it was a must for him then we wouldn’t work.

This is what I was thinking. Point out the risks and educate him about some possible outcomes. If he can't walk the dog without prompting, how would he handle a human being with complex medical needs?

The "no" always trumps the "yes" when it comes to procreation.

We were always on same page about having kids our experience with my last pg the extremely poor MW care and unnecessary risk to me and youngest - meant while both DH and I were open to more children were never felt able/broody at same time and life and external pressures got in way of moving away from that area for years.

Then we moved - could do thing like swim lesson for kids which cost £ - we got a 4 bed house so kids had own room - they were clearly by then needing more help than other kids with school work - teenage years were not far away and age gap would have been few year more than between all we already had - so after move we were both very suddenly god no.

So being open dependent on situation around you - I do get.

OP DH had complete ability to change the situation Op was prepare to consider another child ie stepping up domestically and didn't - if he was serious I'd have expected lots of conversations on the topic in intervening years to get on the same page.

There is this.

Exactly. I want to retire at 55.

I can't imagine spending ALL my adult life from pre voting age to retirement raising a person to young adult independence. It'd be a hard no from me op. 😱

NHS advice to women is to stay on contraception till 55. Im 51 and still taking the mini pill

But much more importantly- OP you don’t want a baby now. You might have done 7 years ago, but you don’t now and you don’t have a baby, so that’s that.

all you’ve got to do now is be brutally honest- there’s no way he can change your mind.

however, you have to be ready for what that could mean for your relationship- he might want a divorce. He might want to stay but be sad. It might take him a while to process. You are going to have to just ride it out.

I don’t.

Exactly and it hasn’t.

Hi, even if he was to say he would be a stay at home dad and be the primary carer, there is no guarantee that this would materialise and then you could be stuck. You would still be going through the pregnancy and birth, and of course it’s still a big responsibility for you whether he would be doing the majority. I would explain to him your reasoning, eg. Job, past experience and as other posters have said, what if you have multiple babies or SEN? Well done on your successful career and your daughter’s success, and I really hope for you that this doesn’t affect your marriage

Just say a flat our NO if he dont like it he knows where the door is.
I think you would be mad to start over again op you have you life back now.
You can be as selfish as you want go away when you want no moaning over getting a sitter or husband not helping out enough no fucking schools to deal with school gate mum dramas all that crap is a thing of the past.
Your money is yours now.
Get your passport book a few days off piss of to spain come back when your husband as regained some sense.
Unless you really want to be parenting in to till your 60.
You will always be a parent but you dont have parenting to do anymore.
This is your time to come first now.

As an older Mumsnetter with grown up children (I had my second at 38) I have noticed that on the should we/should we not threads there is always a lot of discussion about the early years of the potential child’s life and not much about what goes on after that.
I went back to work when mine were 6 weeks old and had a lot of domestic support, it was hectic but doable. For me that Holden age for parenting was once they had reached 5 up until 30+. All the enthusiasm. New ideas and adventures you have together , new music. Book recommendations, their friends and partners. All this brought me such amazing joy and when they were born I never thought about it at all.
Since my sons have hadnn by live in partners I feel my life has been so enhanced by the growth of the family and maybe there will be grandchildren too. I’d only say OP to have a think about the longer term and what happiness might lie ahead of the early difficult years.
I have a friend who unexpectedly became a father at 60, his daughter was awarded her masters degree last year and not only is he so proud of her he glows she clearly loves him very much too - not something he expected when the wife 30 years younger than him (they had a no children agreement) made the announcement.
I’m just saying consider long and short term before you decide. Good luck with whatever course you take.

I'm 43, i have 2 teenagers one is nearly 18.

I have friends just starting having kids in their early 40s and i am just.. horrified by the thought.

I'm just getting to the point i have my life back, where i can go out and leave them in my mothers care and all she needs to do is remind them to eat and tell them its bedtime.

There is no way in hell I'd consider going back to pregnancy/babies again, absolutely not.

It’s not really just about the biological clock. If you have a kid at 50 you get to spend a lot less years with your child based on average lifespan… also it’s harder to be an older parent for lots of reasons and you might enjoy it less at 50 than at 40 or 30… so @FoxtrotOscarKindaDay ’s point is fair

@Astrabees OP already has a grown daughter to share life's pleasures with.

You're absolutely not BU for not wanting another child. Equally, he's not being unreasonable in finding that he really wants one. As this isn't something that can be compromised on, it leaves you both in a deadlock where one or both of you might end up bitter and resentful. It may be helpful to consider professional therapy.

OP what are you hoping from this thread? No one is saying you are unreasonable for not having a child he wants, there’s a suggestion you should have been more specific that you really didn’t want dcs earlier on, or you think about how having a child would work for your lives, but it’s ok to not want a child.

But if you are after people telling you your dh is unreasonable for wanting a baby, or even wanting a discussion around a baby, then sorry but given you say you might have been open to having a baby 7 years ago, it’s reasonable he wants to discuss it, and a straight “no” might take him some time to process.

Ultimately, this might be the end for your marriage. It’s sad but these tend to be breaking points.

I had my first baby at 39 and while I love her dearly and enjoy much of motherhood, the thought that I’ll be well in my 50s by the time I can have a long holiday just me and DH or a night out without worrying about how much I drink or when I’m home is…sobering. I can’t
imagine wanting to go back to this toddler stage had I had kids earlier in life. No way. But if your DH has decided he wants a baby you may have to choose between your marriage and having another child.

OP I totally understand you didn't like having an older mum than your friends as it was rare then but my youngest is 5 and I am 43. I am about the average age of mums at the school gates. It's pretty common now although absolutely not a reason to have another baby you don't want.

Also my mum was 24 when she had me and I was her youngest. I spent most of my childhood being raised by nannies and having more of a conversation with the cleaner or my friends mums as my mum wanted to build her career. It's not just older mums that do this. I equally hated it and only work very part time because I don't want the same for my kids. I also have an additional needs child (he was born when I was 31) and it's beyond exhausting as we don't have a village.

I am a bit confused because you said you’ve always made it clear to him that if he definitely wanted a child then you as a couple would not work, yet you do say that you’ve been having unprotected sex…or did I misunderstand? Have you been using throughout the relationship or not?