My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

We did. And no he is not.

@dazedandconfuseddaily But you haven't/didn't really bother with contraception? So what is that suggesting to your husband? You clearly were not always absolutely set against having a baby with him.

Affordability is not an issue. There is no point having a child or paying for a nanny (I had a nanny) or boarding school (my husband was there at 6), if your’e sending it away or paying someone to raise it. In first instance I’m not putting my body through that to send it away/palm it off, point 2 I come from the north east of England and any kid I have is going to state school irrepsective of my affordability as my daughter did who has just graduated first in her class from a red brick with a medical degree (junior doctor)

I have never been vague with my husband.

Thank you so much for sharing. My husband is actually very supportive. I’m sorry you’re having a time of it x

I have been clear!

Not really. She was 13 and spent half her time with her dad and step mum, he cares but doesn’t parent as she has those.

@dazedandconfuseddaily So do my boys; half of the time with their dad and his wife.
But at 14 and 17 they still have a great relationship with my husband. As their stepdad he does a lot for them when they're with us and they think a lot of each other. If he wasn't involved and supportive of them I would not have been impressed tbh.

Aging sperm deteriorates in quality, though. Though men keep manufacturing it, random mutations creep in, with much higher chances of developmental disabilities in a child.

OP you started by presenting this as a problem, and now you’re saying it’s all fine, your marriage is rock solid, your husband isn’t fussed about having a child, and won’t leave you under any circumstances. If that’s the case, then it’s all OK.

The reason many posters are negative about the future is because the desire to reproduce can be very strong, and many relationships end if agreement can’t be happily reached. My ex was my soul mate, I never ever imagined that I’d leave him. But when he decided he didn’t want kids, I knew I had to walk. It completely broke my heart, but I wasn’t prepared to never be a parent.

Do you have friends with young children that you can offer to look after for the weekend? It'll be an eye opener for him and exhausting....

Don't do it. With autism in the family...higher risk. You really do not want to be doing menopause and autistic puberty at the same time. Bringing up an autistic child is hard work. Being a mum at 39 is exhausting.

Because these women cannot get their heads around the idea that not every woman feels that the only point to life is to reproduce. They cannot envisage that many of us think that there is more to life than having babies.

You are wishy washy. There hasn't been proper discussions and reasons why you shouldn't go ahead with it, or this thread wouldn't be needed. Having a child is massive. For people who really want them (after proper thought etc), of course it's marriage ending if the other person changes their mind. Neither of you really want another, but it still shouldn't be a puzzle. He should have examined if he could live without a child before asking the woman he loves so much to risk her life and compromise your gealth/life/job/retirement. Marriage isn't unconditional, only being a parent is.

But you were wish washy about it - 7 years ago you didn’t say “no I dont want another baby” you said if he proved himself a good dog parent, you’d have a baby. So it does seem to the outside that you have been up for having a baby until quite recently then changed your mind. Or you have not been up for having a baby but told him you were 7 years ago.

which is probably why he’s upset you won’t even talk about it now because until recently you were entertaining the idea.

@RampantIvy but the person wanting the baby is male. If you live someone and have a good life with someone, we can't get our head around coming up with the idea of wanting a child, on a whim. Well not anyone who is a full adult and has emotional intelligence and maturity.

No @RampantIvy - sadly it’s experience. The OP is a parent, her dh is not, and he wants to be a dad. Sometimes someone who really wants to be a parent can swallow that down and prioritise their relationship with someone who doesn’t want children. Sometimes being a step-parent but never a parent is enough. But often the desire to have kids is too much.

Many relationships end when one person wants kids and the other doesn’t. It’s a relationship issue with no compromise.

it’s completely fine the OP doesn’t want dcs. It’s also completely fine he does. He might be able to work through that and accept it, but often this ends relationships.

Telling the OP to be prepared for that is not suggesting she must give him a child, but being honest about what she could be dealing with.

It's a budgie so not too time consuming, but not a pet I'd ever have chosen to own and we already have quite a few small pets. I've had him a few years now and got him a little friend to keep him company as our house isn't really laid out to have him in the living room and I think they're quite social animals. It does mean our box room has pretty much been taken over by them as I don't like to see birds in cages. I did initially think about rehoming him, but I wouldn't want to risk giving him to someone who wouldn't take good care of him, then it got to the point I'd had him long enough I think I would miss him. I mean the budgie, but I also feel this way about DH! MIL has since passed away and apart from throwing a couple of curveballs, like the birds, I generally liked and got along well with her. Ironically, after she died, we ended up also taking on her dog who was bothering the budgie!

Kids are definitely not on the cards. I've never really wanted them, but if I did I would have chosen a different husband. I love my husband and our current lifestyle, but I know his version of being a Dad would basically be playing with them whilst I did all the boring parts. Neither of my parents seemed to particularly enjoy being parents, so I've always been of the belief you should only have them if they're really wanted.

I think it’s relevant because if you weren’t using contraception then by implication it sends him a consistent message that you are open to having a child. Also of course it might reveal something about fertility but that is much less relevant both because it isn’t reliable information and because it isn’t information you need if you aren’t planning to conceive!

As others have said, it is a topic that often does lead to divorce as there is no compromise. It's either one is convinced not to have a child, one is convinced to have a child, or neither can accept that and the relationship ends. In your case you say that your DH can be convinced not to have a child so then that's fine, but often that doesn't happen. That doesn't make your relationship more perfect than anybody else's!

I completely disagree that this is a "whim" on his behalf though. This has been a 7 year long wishy washy conversation which has never had a definitive answer until now! (You have repeatedly said it wasnt wishy washy despite many many posters saying it has been based on the information youve provided us with!) That most definitely isn't a whim in my books!

I can see both sides.

It is hard for him because you've already had a child. You've experienced all of that whereas he hasn't, and there's a chance he never Will. That is pretty sad for him, and there is a change he could resent you in the future.

I don't know what the right answer is. Personally, I would probably do it if my partner really wanted to, but then the fact you have a grown up child, I can't even imagine starting all over again.

How has OP been wishy washy? She was open to having a child if he stepped up took on a more proactive caring role with the dog - he didn’t. Now she’s no longer open to having a child and told him that.

She’s communicated quite clearly to him.

The multiples increase is only if she had previous pregnancies.

Can you say hand on heart that if he had stepped up and walked the dog 50% of the time you would have said yep let’s have a baby? I think you need to have an honest conversation with him and admit it’s not what you want.

Living as I do in the US where women's reproductive rights are being stripped away, it is imperative that women recognize that they do not under any circumstances have to have a baby because their partner wants one. Even if your partner steps up and does most of the childcare and housework, you have to carry that child to term and deliver it. The decision is yours and yours alone. Don't give that up.