My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Just say no. You can’t undo this decision if you agree under duress. The reality of children is hard graft and no sleep. Trust me, he will be handing you the baby and going out!

My MIL did this to me. Got a pet which ended up not getting along with another pet in her household. Palmed it off on my DH (ergo me) despite me saying I didn't want to be responsible for another pet in my house. DH has done little to care for said pet since it arrived. I've done all the care so far for a couple of years on the basis, I don't like to see animals mistreated and caring for it takes a relatively small amount of time. But I broke my leg last week and DH is already making up excuses as to why he's far too busy to clean said animal out. I'm not anti having kids, but felt relieved we don't have any given the excuses he's given for not tending to the pets properly whilst I've been unable to!

One thing that really surprises me are the amount of people who jump to divorce if we disagre. Or are certain that it well end in divorce. To those I say you’re with the wrong person or need to work harder on your marriage. Whatever way this goes (most likely non kid, as its a whim his side), it will not end in divorce. We’re happy, we love each other and have had many instances of no questions asked or love is unconditinal.

Can you re-home the animal? Or alternatively your DH?

Rehome the MIL. Never rehome an animal. If you have to you shouldn’t have them in the first place.

@Octopies
Please dont think about becoming a parent (if that's on the table at all for you) unless you can sort out the problem with your MIL, ie that she has you wrapped around her little finger, & her son is unable to stand up to her.

In this case the animal was forced upon her- I'd have posted it straight back through MIL's letter box!

Agreed. MIL is APITA. What is the animal? I’d be happy to offer a home to it.

Yes I earn well and we have a cleaner. Which was difficult for me, as I clean to a level, she’s the only one I’ve found who beats me!

No. We’d be divorced before marriage counselling! If you’re doing that you’re half way there!

I met my now hubby when he was early 40s and I was 37. He had no bio children and had come to an acceptance he likely wouldn't. I already had two sons - 7 and 10 when we first met. I didn't want any more and he was OK with that.
Fast forward a few years and I very surprisingly fell pregnant at 39 whilst taking the pill absolutely to the letter. We were both in total shock but after that had worn off we started to come around to the idea. Sadly I miscarried.
It was at that point I changed my mind and decided that I did want to have a bio baby with my hubby. We now have a 4 yo at the ages of 43 and 48! My two sons - 14 and 17 - think the world of her although it took them some getting used to when we first told them!
I am so happy my husband is now a daddy. There will definitely be no more as he's had a vasectomy!
However, he is a very hands-on father. We both work and he loves nothing more than to spend time with our daughter. I always knew he would be otherwise I wouldn't have gone for another one.

You know that when it comes to it it would be all on you. 45 years is a long time to get used to being able to do what you want, when you want. The reality of life with a child would be a huge shock to your DH and inevitably you would be the one who would have to sort everything out when “having a baby” was more work than he expected. Don’t do it.

I was not vague at all with him. For purposes of brevity I described situation!

We were not wish washy. And after 10 years of marriage there is an evolution. He’s not going anywhere, he loves me. I’m his compass. Why is it have a kid or don’t or get divorced? This confuses me and us (he’s seen all of this thread) especially from other women it’s bizarre.

My husband would be a very hands on father. But I’m nearing 40, nearly died first time round and he doesn’t adult in the way a parent needs to adult. It does not make him lazy or unworthy of me as some of the posts I’ve seen 🤬. We adult differently.

@dazedandconfuseddaily Ultimately is he OK with not having a biological child of his own? Of course it absolutely OK for you to not want one but how does he feel going forward?

He is absolutely fine with it. I posed a quandary on mumsnet and it’s blonde into you new to get a divorce/ he’ll dump you/ I have no idea. When in reality, my husband loves me, yes there’s a discussion to have/come up but whatever the outcome we’re not getting a divorce. He continually says it’s unconditional when you get married, which it is. If your default is divorce go away and take a long walk off a short plank!

@dazedandconfuseddaily Sorry - I thought you said he doesn't do much around the house? Helping out with household chores is massive when you have a small child. My husband literally did all of the cooking for the first few years when we had our daughter as well as lots of other domestic stuff. I was 39 when I had her and also with a 11 and 13 yo (in height of lockdown!) so thank goodness!!

I said he didn’t. He still does do a lot. Doesn’t make him lazy or an arse. Just want I view as important he doesn’t. He’s a tidier, I’m a cleaner two very separate things.

@dazedandconfuseddaily If he's genuinely happy with it then there is literally zero issue. Enjoy your married life together!

@dazedandconfuseddaily

"He is absolutely fine with it. I posed a quandary on mumsnet and it’s blonde into you new to get a divorce/ he’ll dump you/ I have no idea. When in reality, my husband loves me, yes there’s a discussion to have/come up but whatever the outcome we’re not getting a divorce. He continually says it’s unconditional when you get married, which it is. If your default is divorce go away and take a long walk off a short plank!"

You create a thread in which you paint your husband as being unreasonable. You quote other posters saying youre absolutely in the right. Then you say those who've agreed with how you've painted your husband are wrong? What was the point in posting then?

No I created a thread saying my husband said I was unreasonable for not entertaining the idea of a child. At no point did I say he was unreasonable.

You're never unreasonable not to want a baby.

I'm impressed by your daughter; here in the US you don't finish undergrad until 22. Medical school is another four years after that, plus internships. You don't graduate until nearly 30. She must be brilliant.

Thank you. In the UK if you get AAA etc at alevel (I also did) you can study medicine and be a dr by 23.

I’ve worked fucking hard to enable this as has she to score it!

I did not do this. And have been exceptionally straightforward.