Am I unreasonable or is MIL

[DJW62]

Long story short because my blood is absolutely boiling!!

so not so long ago my MIL was looking after my DS on my working day as is agreed with us. I go to pick my DS up after work fully expecting to take my child home with me (obviously!) only to be told that I cannot take him home with me (rexcuse me?!) that they (MIL and SIL) had made plans to take him out for super with his cousin and I could come back later to pick him up. I could tell my DS was looking forward to this so I say nothing. However later that evening I send my MIL a polite message saying “nothing wrong, but in future can you please ask or make sure i know of any plans you have with DS because we did actually have a nice evening planned” My MIL went CRAZY in response to this message, “how dare i disrespect her like that, how dare I, she always does her best for the children, she always knew i hated her, im upsetting everyone, making her husband ill” blah blah blah the craziness went on and on and i was made out to be someone awful simply for asking politely to be informed of where my child would be?! So AIBU here for daring to ask such a thing?!

You should have spoken with your MIL, Not sent a text. There is no tone in text.

You could have told her , sorry MIL we have plans? When she told you about the plans? But you went ahead and did nothing.

The initial incident wouldn’t have bothered me too much, although I think she should have checked and you were right to raise it. However, if my mother in law responded to my text like that, she wouldn’t be doing any childcare in future, even if that was cutting my nose off to spite my face. I’d rather pay a childminder or some other arrangement.

Should have called her - tone is everything. Text messages are cold.

“You should have spoken with your MIL, Not sent a text. There is no tone in text.

You could have told her , sorry MIL we have plans? When she told you about the plans? But you went ahead and did nothing.“

I did tell her, but like I said, by this time DS was looking forward to going, so saying no sorry would mean upsetting his evening, the plan had already been made by her.

On this incident I'd say YANBU, but I feel like there is a fair backstory. How does making her husband ill come into it?

There is 100% a back story here. She didn’t decide you’ve always hated her or you’re making her husband ill because of one text message.

It's tricky because she's doing you a favour and made plans on that day assuming it would be OK.
I would speak to her in person and just say you appreciate her having him and he had a nice time etc but if she wants to do things could she ask you and dh as you might have plans etc

On this incident I'd say YANBU, but I feel like there is a fair backstory. How does making her husband ill come into it?

There is no back story as far as I can tell we have always gotten along (or so i thought) She was meaning the upset i caused to dare to ask from now on was making her husband ill… thats what I took from it …

Had you told her what time you'd be there?

Had you told her what time you'd be there?

yes same time as always :)

It's said so often but free childcare is rarely actually free.

It won't really help you if all of MN say you were reasonable to complain, if your MIL still thinks her hours of free childcare entitle her to first dibs on your son in the evening without even asking you.

Look very carefully and dispassionately here at what you want to achieve.

The ‘how does making her husband ill because of one text’ is something i am seriously trying to understand myself as well..

Yanbu.

She should have told you beforehand that she had made evening plans as that way you could have cancelled your own plans and saved a wasted journey.

It's basic manners.

What were your own plans?

Well, you both have behaved badly. She shouldn’t have arranged something without checking with you, you shouldn’t have tricky conversations by text - you do it in person, and she shouldn’t have gone batshit when you did.

So you both need to apologise. If you want the free childcare, I’d go first.

Paid childcare doesn't cause these issues.

Clearly your MIL harbours resentment for whatever reason and you need to make alternative arrangements for your child.

Texting isn't a good way to communicate something sensitive but her response was ridiculous.

I did apologise for upsetting her in any way.. but the barrage of messages that followed after this was horrendous.

I wonder if her extreme overreaction is because she doesn't like boundaries - this making plans for your DS after the time you always pick him up is a massive overstep - and she doesn't appear to like being called out on it. Does everyone always cater to her? Might explain the making her husband ill comment.

My MIL went CRAZY in response to this message, “how dare i disrespect her like that, how dare I, she always does her best for the children, she always knew i hated her, im upsetting everyone, making her husband ill”

This didn't happen over a polite text.

There's something going on and if there's no backstory and you've both always got on wonderfully, I'm surprised you're not worried about her?

She should have called you during the day to ask whether her plans for your DS in the evening would be OK. That should have been done before she promised DS anything, just in case it wasn't OK.

You should also have reacted more forcefully when she told you that you couldn't take your own child home. He is YOUR child, not hers even though she has provided some free childcare.

Personally, I would have insisted immediately that my child would be coming with me. To her face, not by text later on.

You may need to source different childcare.

Im more perplexed and in shock tbh but yes perhaps there is something not right there, she has been known to overstep a lot of boundaries in the past but i suppose this is the first time i’ve ever really called her out on it just to keep the peace… perhaps im only just getting to know her.

So you’re completely right and she’s completely wrong. That’s it isn’t it op? That’s what you want everyone to say to ease your conscience? The fact is you use her for free child care but only begrudgingly and on your terms and you were pissed off that your son was looking forward to something she’d organised. You didn’t need to send that text but you did because you do hate her and you wanted her to be upset as you. YABU.

Well not really, i just wanted to see if i had acted appropriately or not or was i unreasonable to ask her to inform me if she had plans with my son from now on, and no, shes not used when he did attend daycare and she was angry with this as she wanted to be a part of his life so we agreed that she could look after him if she was happy with this. And no i dont hate her, i lost my own mother years ago and she has been good to me. I am just extremely confused as to her reaction.

This is a good response.

OP, you need to find paid childcare. Your mil does not have first dibs on your child, you and his dad do.

And in case it needs saying again, find paid, professional childcare.

She sounds mentally ill.

I wouldn't be letting her look after a child if she is that explosive and unstable.

YANBU what a rude woman.

You sound like the MIL