Am I unreasonable or is MIL

[DJW62]

Long story short because my blood is absolutely boiling!!

so not so long ago my MIL was looking after my DS on my working day as is agreed with us. I go to pick my DS up after work fully expecting to take my child home with me (obviously!) only to be told that I cannot take him home with me (rexcuse me?!) that they (MIL and SIL) had made plans to take him out for super with his cousin and I could come back later to pick him up. I could tell my DS was looking forward to this so I say nothing. However later that evening I send my MIL a polite message saying “nothing wrong, but in future can you please ask or make sure i know of any plans you have with DS because we did actually have a nice evening planned” My MIL went CRAZY in response to this message, “how dare i disrespect her like that, how dare I, she always does her best for the children, she always knew i hated her, im upsetting everyone, making her husband ill” blah blah blah the craziness went on and on and i was made out to be someone awful simply for asking politely to be informed of where my child would be?! So AIBU here for daring to ask such a thing?!

She should've checked with you. He is your child not hers. Free childcare or not, she doesn't get to dictate when you can take him home. She also should not have told him what her plans were.

I disagree with others. A phone call possibly would've been better but if she was like that over text, there's potential she would've flipped if OP did it face to face too. In front of the child.

I would look at paid childcare from now on.

This wouldnt have bothered me but I have a great relationship with my MIL and love her like my own Mum. I wouldn't have sent a text like that to her either as it sounds patronising. But every relationship is different and only you know your relationship with her.

Pay for childcare op.

Sorted.

Weirdest part of this story for me: why weren’t you invited to dinner with MIL, SIL and the kids as you were there and had to come back anyway.

To answer the actual question, MIL should have asked you before making arrangements. She was very rude to assume a change of plans would be ok and then not even inform you to save you a wasted journey. She knows she fucked up, that’s why flew of the handle and started making up random accusations that had nothing to do with this situation.

Always better to have these as actual conversations in person rather than by text message.

WTF? This is a bizarre reaction to a perfectly reasonable thread. Much like the MILs reaction to the text!

OP, as others have said, texting wasn't the way to go but in the absence of a backstory, your request was reasonable and she should have checked with you first before arranging things, outside of the normal childcare, with you

Same, they would be the last time she ever looked after him. Refusing to give him back and telling you to come back later - wtf? You’ve been very measured.

Good grief🤯

If my MIL had said that I would have said 'That's great. Thanks. He can spend some time with cousin'. However, in future have a full proof excuse to stop it from happening again. 'Sorry, MIL, but son must do his homework and have a snack when he gets home. Perhaps in the holidays would be nice'. She is doing you a favour and there is no way I would look after my grandchildren on a regular basis. I've done my bit and would see them from time to time.

Stop using her for childcare.

She should have checked with you before making supper plans, your text to her was rude and sounded as if it was telling her off.

YANBU. It’s just a basic fact that you don’t make plans for other people’s children without checking with their parents first.

I agree with some PPs that potentially awkward discussions are safer had in person than by text, but her response was absolutely outrageous. Even if tone is hard to read by text there is no justification for her behaving like that.

I would query whether she’s a safe and reliable person to provide childcare. She didn’t ask your permission before making a plan for your child and she clearly cannot accept rules or limitations. Further incidents of this kind will occur. If you have alternatives available I would try and move away from this arrangement and she can see your son when you’re all together or in contained circumstances in future.

You sound like an insane person.

YANBU.

Of course your mil should have contacted you beforehand to check whether the change in plans was OK.

If mil providing childcare is going to generate this level of upset, it would be better to go back to a paid childcare setting.

Its not the actual her making plans without me knowing that has upset me most, things like this have happened, its just her reaction when i finally stood up for myself has left me 🤯🤯. And again she is not used, this is on her terns what she wanted to happen, but yes we will certainly be going back to our original plan of paid care.

She should've checked with you. He is your child not hers. Free childcare or not, she doesn't get to dictate when you can take him home. She also should not have told him what her plans were.

This!

I'd have texted back to say stop being crazy.

Honestly, whether you spoke to her in person or by text, sounds like she’d have reacted in the same aggressive way. Wouldn’t beat yourself up about that too much. You said she sent even worse messages after you apologised for upsetting her. How bad were they? On the plus side, there’s a paper trail to the conversation you had. Btw what has your partner said about his mother’s behaviour? You might have said already and I missed it.

What I would do is find alternative, paid childcare going forward. I wouldn’t want someone who behaves like that spending too much time with my child.

How absolutely ridiculous of MIL. What does your dh say? Can he go have a word so you are an united front?

She sounds absolutely unhinged.
No it is not normal to tell a mother collecting her child that other plans have been made so she should come back later.
Absolutely inappropriate and unacceptable.

Her free childcare has become too expensive.
Put your child in paid care.
I wouldn't send my child to her again.
She really sounds unhinged.

This hasn't just happened today?
What have you done since?

DH has actually told her that she is being silly, that she is causing upset simply because i wanted to know of any plans before I wasted a journey to pick him up at the usual time. She then turned on DH saying we are turning against her and she is always doing her best! We’ve tried to explain that no one is turning against her 😫

if it happens again and you really do have plans, take DC home as planned and remind him that he had a prior commitment.

Use paid for childcare so it doesn't happen again.

The MIL is batshit crazy and I would seriously want nothing to do with her. Yanbu and actually sound relatively tolerant tbh!

Definitely find paid childcare, your MIL is way too complicated

Wondering why you weren’t included in the supper invitation and were expected to go away and return afterwards? 🧐