Am I unreasonable or is MIL

[DJW62]

Long story short because my blood is absolutely boiling!!

so not so long ago my MIL was looking after my DS on my working day as is agreed with us. I go to pick my DS up after work fully expecting to take my child home with me (obviously!) only to be told that I cannot take him home with me (rexcuse me?!) that they (MIL and SIL) had made plans to take him out for super with his cousin and I could come back later to pick him up. I could tell my DS was looking forward to this so I say nothing. However later that evening I send my MIL a polite message saying “nothing wrong, but in future can you please ask or make sure i know of any plans you have with DS because we did actually have a nice evening planned” My MIL went CRAZY in response to this message, “how dare i disrespect her like that, how dare I, she always does her best for the children, she always knew i hated her, im upsetting everyone, making her husband ill” blah blah blah the craziness went on and on and i was made out to be someone awful simply for asking politely to be informed of where my child would be?! So AIBU here for daring to ask such a thing?!

MIL is late 50’s a mobile and sending messages is always our usual way of communication. And yes I did, i am not a control freak wanting ‘my kids to me my kids and no one elses’ i am always extremely laid back as i value the importance of family, but this time 🤯

OK, that’s very confusing then. Perhaps you could try speaking privately to FIL to try to find out what the problem is.

Sounds like a common or garden bully. You set a boundary, they attack so you don't feel able to do it again. Slough off any guilt and recognise this is abusive behaviour on her part.

I would definitely be using alternative child care from now on, Your mil was rude and thoughtless in not asking you about this, it's just common courtesy, one text message was all it required. She knows she has overstepped the boundary, only she knows why she thought this appropriate. She's having a tantrum because she's been rightfully called out. I'm wondering why your Fil couldn't message you? Maybe he assumed his wife had already made arrangements with you, as would be the appropriate thing to do, by most normal peoples standards where children are concerned. Might it be prudent going forward to use Fil, as your first point of contact, for future family engagements? Maybe your husband could broach the subject with his Dad, so as to avoid further hysterics from his mother, although she may not like having the control taken from her, and react badly again, but then you will know exactly what you are dealing with.

Just wanted to say I believe you in entirety OP because I am in the same situation with my SiL. I had to send her a message as we don't live locally at all and phoning wasn't an option either. I was very careful with my wording and empathised the gentle tone in which it was intended and she went absolutely batshit and attacked me repeatedly via multiple messages, phone calls and even a letter. It's the first time I've ever dared to (politely!) disagree with her in 10 years and her response absolutely threw me. But now I feel like I've seen the real her. This was nearly a year ago and having seen how viciously she attacks I very much keep my distance. Personally even if I received a message that upset me there's no need to go for people's vugulars in response.

I think your plan of using formal childcare again is a good one, it's a clear communication of your boundaries and what you are and aren't willing to tolerate in your relationship with MiL. Good luck!

Yes, all in front of ds as she ranted and argued.

Yes, we have a relationship now. After 2 and a bit years it was dh who contacted her on her milestone birthday (with my encouragement...life's too short and all that) and asked if she'd now like to put everything behind us and move on, but that this was the one and only time he'd contact her to ask it. She agreed and came over.

I restarted our relationship on a completely different footing. No more rolling my eyes in private whilst letting her get away with telling us she was doing xyz or overstepping, for a quiet life. The first time she did it - within days - she told me she was going to take ds for lunch at the weekend. I raised my eyebrow and said really, I don't remember us agreeing to that, did we discuss it and I forgot? She bit her tongue so hard she turned purple and said through gritted teeth she'd like to take him and was it OK?

Since then (about 10 years ago) we're still talking but I am very, very careful never to let her take control for an easy life.

This has always been how MIL is, no asking just telling me what she would be doing with my child. Ive always been vocally ok with it, but it has always made me feel very uneasy. And now ive finally opened my mouth and all hell has broken loose. She has made me feel like i am never again supposed to dare ask her about anything to do with my child, i am to just shut up and accept it.

@DJW62

This has always been how MIL is, no asking just telling me what she would be doing with my child. Ive always been vocally ok with it, but it has always made me feel very uneasy. And now ive finally opened my mouth and all hell has broken loose. She has made me feel like i am never again supposed to dare ask her about anything to do with my child, i am to just shut up and accept it.

^^^

It's sounds like she's treating like a child.
Do as you're told and don't you date answer me back.

What was her relationship with your dh like growing up?
Did she bully him?

You're a fully grown woman- she seems to have missed that ....

Nah she sounds like a whack job.

No more childcare 😓

Seriously, sometimes MIL 🤷🏼‍♀️ this one is something. Pay childcare, invoke whatever reason you need to. Stay away and it is your partner that bresks the news to her.

This is how you dare 🫣

Time for a lunch date with mil and get to the bottom of this. Sounds like Queen Bee doesn’t want to be challenged but maybe she was just having a bad day. Nta

They have always mollycoddled DH in my opinion, to the point he has little self confidence in his ability to do just about anything, such as choosing what clothes to wear to an event on his own because his mother or sister always did it for him. He is an extremely capable man but the more i think of it the more i see thst they still think of him as a child and not a grown man who is a husbsnd anda father.

@DJW62

Mo way would she be having sole care of my child, she's off her rocker & I wouldn't trust her. God alone knows what she's dropping in his ear.

id be booking childcare tomorrow, she'll likely Bleet to DH he needs to be primed what to say to her.

something on the basis of 'Mother, you brought this on by not respecting @DJW62 as Charlie's Mum & went indanely off
of the deep end when she asked if next time you could check with us first before making plans with Charlie. We feel it's in Charlie's best interest to be in childcare & not be subject to you shouting at his Mum'

he must not blame you!!

I’m sorry OP but your MIL is a CF. I would have just taken DS and said sorry we have plans and given you haven’t advised in advance I will be leaving with DS. You need to put clear boundaries in place for people who behave that way. I would also text back and say how dare you send me this text and be prepared to sort your childcare through other means. What a silly bitch! And rude with it!

I do tend to agree. It depends how much you really want to get on with DH’s side of the family.
It sounds like this was only arranged last minute because the cousin was there and why are you only blaming mil when there were also 2 x sil involved? Are you sure mil was really demanding in a bad way and not just pushing a bit to get the cousins together?
We all have to work at relationships if we want them to blossom and were you to take the dramatic step of stopping pil looking after their gc who is really benefitting/loosing out?
I’ve made mistakes, I’ve said the wrong thing on many occasions over the years with relatives but so have they. We talk about it, if necessary, agree a way forward and then forgive and forget.
It doesn’t sound good your mil exploded, sympathies for that, but you also need to ask yourself why and also ultimately if she loves your family and if so find a way forward.
Of course it means you being the bigger person when she has gone way too far, so let her know to her face how you feel about all of this for sure and how you need things to be but not lecturing her with arms folded, using access as a weapon. Who responds well to that?
I hope you sort it out as family are precious, and not just your side of the family.

This is all very true and is always the way i think, this is why this situation has upset ne so much. I have no side of my family, just me my father and DS so his family is very important to me.

@DJW62

This is all very true and is always the way i think, this is why this situation has upset ne so much. I have no side of my family, just me my father and DS so his family is very important to me.

^^^^^^^

I lost my mum in my teens so was eager to have a good relationship with my mil.

But I learnt very quickly that sometimes I would ignore things I shouldn't.

But you have done that for 8 years?

They don't change (seem to have very little, zero , self awareness).

As long as you're friendly and have strong boundaries , that's the best you can do.

Remember mil ranted off at you ?
You didn't

Mil is old enough to know better but acted like a child.

If your arrangement for babysitting is that you collect the child at a certain time then MIL should not schedule activities after that time without asking you if it will be ok. When I look after my grandkids I know what time to expect mom or dad to come and fetch them and I have them ready for that time.

I’m one of those kids who preferred their grandparents to their parents.
No tension, no drinking, no arguments, no recriminations, no scolding — just pleasant meals and calmness.
Life isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be at home, but everything is always okay at Nana and Granddad’s.
It was always an oasis of happiness for me and I miss them something awful.

Thats lovely for you :) not sure hiow its relevant to the post though.

Paid childcare is the answer here OP, then you can drop off and pick up as arranged.

I had a similar situation with MIL when I first started standing up to her after I had been with her son nearly 15 years. No one had ever stood up to her, they just let her get away with being a control freak narcissist for a quiet life. However now they stand up to her too! So now she cries that we’re all picking on her 🙄

She sounds like a psycho bitch. Your reaction is totally normal, hers not so.

Children are like animals, they often gravitate towards genuine, kind people. I think they can sense a narc a mile off and I wouldn’t be surprised if this GP isn’t a favourite.

When did this happen OP? How long ago?
Has she had your son since?
Has there been any conversation following the texts?

Massive eyeroll.
If it wasn’t relevant, why’d you point it out?
Like everyone else on this thread, you could’ve simply ignored it — but nooo, you had to be condescending.
Noted.