Am I unreasonable or is MIL

[DJW62]

Long story short because my blood is absolutely boiling!!

so not so long ago my MIL was looking after my DS on my working day as is agreed with us. I go to pick my DS up after work fully expecting to take my child home with me (obviously!) only to be told that I cannot take him home with me (rexcuse me?!) that they (MIL and SIL) had made plans to take him out for super with his cousin and I could come back later to pick him up. I could tell my DS was looking forward to this so I say nothing. However later that evening I send my MIL a polite message saying “nothing wrong, but in future can you please ask or make sure i know of any plans you have with DS because we did actually have a nice evening planned” My MIL went CRAZY in response to this message, “how dare i disrespect her like that, how dare I, she always does her best for the children, she always knew i hated her, im upsetting everyone, making her husband ill” blah blah blah the craziness went on and on and i was made out to be someone awful simply for asking politely to be informed of where my child would be?! So AIBU here for daring to ask such a thing?!

OP says MIL pushes boundaries and that MIL is doing childcare because she wanted to and OP’s child was in paid childcare before this. This incident was the first time OP stood up to MIL and now MIL has lost the plot and sent messages berating OP over her reasonable request.

Confused first of all why you weren't invited! My MIL would invite me but probably only 75% of the time I'd accept and I'd let them drop him back later and enjoy their plans. Very rude of her to tell you so late and then to suggest you make an additional trip to collect! There's obviously been some friction before this point. I wouldn't be seeing them again unless I had an apology and also be requesting an extra day at nursery on Monday morning and booking annual leave on their next scheduled day.

You haven’t done wrong at all. Some people are literally unreasonable. And incredibly dramatic.

Ive had a similar situation. I just maintained being a grown up and then kind of told them off the next time I saw them in a “really disappointed” tone and arms crossed.

I said something like - “Im actually really disappointed that you would turn against me so quickly, I thought we had a really good relationship but clearly I got that wrong”. Funnily enough they were very quick to dispute that and argue that we DID have a good relationship and started digging themselves out of their hole.

In this occasion if she had asked earlier in the day I would have said “thank you for the offer but we have other plans this evening, but he would love to another time” if we didnt have plans I would have replied “yes that sounds lovely thank you for the offer” im usually very laid back to keep the peace. Her husband had a cold at the time, they thought he had lung problems/covid/ all sorts and this text i sent was exasperating him causing “coughing fits” may need a “trip to a&e” and I should “shut up” They didnt go to a&e, and is very much back to his usual healthy self by now.

Does your MIL make plans like this regularly, or was this pretty much a one off? If it was a one off, I personally wouldn't have said anything and certainly not by text. You say FIL is OK now, but perhaps she got herself in a state about him. I don't know how old she is, but you do get more overwrought about things when you get older which, I appreciate, is hard for someone younger to understand. Did she feel under pressure from SIL, what's the dynamic there?

I’d make Dh deal with this. Make other arrangements for childcare and don’t rely on her again. If the way you’ve told it is the simple truth, then she is either a serious narcissist or has other serious issues.

The extreme reaction is designed to deter you from asserting a boundary again. Don’t let it.

Agree with this. I would not want to be beholden to someone like this for childcare. Her behaviour is irrational and I'd not want this kind of unpredictability adding to the stress of my working day.

To allow her to go ahead with the plans without comment and then raise it later was a forbearing and tactful response.She was able to do what she'd arranged anyway, so I don't see the problem. You've also done nothing wrong in raising this by text. No doubt she'd have reacted badly no matter what the medium of communication, and I wonder if something inside you sensed this beforehand.

Whatever the situation, your message has certainly opened the floodgates and a lot of the resentment she's clearly been harbouring against you has spilled out. Proclaiming that you've always hated her is a pretty strong statement and unlikely to have come out of the clear blue sky. I'd take a step back, organise alternative childcare, and allow your DC's other parent more of an active role in communicating with their side of the family. You don't have to tolerate abuse like this.

This is a very good response. Don't internalise other people's poor behaviour as your problem. Her intense overreaction is wholly her responsibility and it's her baggage to carry. A further PP above has it right: she's deterring you from asserting boundaries by making the consequences very unpleasant for you.

Because we're human, falling over ourselves to apologise is often people's first reaction when faced with an unexpected barrage like this. But it's far better to make them own their behaviour.

Finding alternative child care is a good way of making very sure she doesn't do it again. Glad to read your plans to do just that, and also of the fact that your DH has your back.

She will now be the one feeling the consequences of her own behaviour. As, indeed, she should.

But it is unrealistic and foolish to cut off your DH family. It is an unfortunate situation but nothing you can't eventually resolve . Her husband probably got ill and flustered listening to her hysterical ranting . No need to escalate the drama just bide your time . Maybe your DH could have a word with his sister to diffuse things.

There have been occasions that she has over stepped the mark in the way a few things have made me feel. SIL who was going with mother in law is not the mother of DS’s cousin, she is a woman in her 40’s who lives with PIL’s never married, no children. They were meeting other SIL (cousins mother) as well.. if this makes sense 😅. They were all going for an evening meal, MiL and x2 SIL’s with SIL’s child and taking my child as well. No invite extend to me as has been pointed out (didn’t think of this before!) and now its reminded me of a few times they’ve suggested taking my DS without me.

You are being too controlling. It’s fine to be flexible if they’ve arranged an impromptu thing with cousin and it looks like your son wants to go. Nothing wrong with that🤷🏼‍♀️

Nowhere does OP say she is or planning to cut off her DH’s family.

She has only said she is going back to the paid childcare that was in place before this that they gave up because MIL was so adamant about taking care of her dgc instead to the point of anger.

Her DH talked to his mum so not sure why his sister needs to be involved.

It reads like MIL’s overstepping of boundaries has been enabled for too long and when anyone seemingly goes against her, she throws a tantrum.

Her DH can take their son over at other times and he can go back to paid childcare.

Considering MIL’s response to a simple reasonable request, can only imagine what MIL’s has been holding back since OP thought they were fine before this.

@phoenixrosehere
Yep.
I know someone just like this.
You're ok as long as you agree with them.
The moment you challenge them they go completely off the wall.
(No longer in contact)

Return your child to paid childcare asap.

What is up with MN tonight! All these bonkers replies. OF COURSE she should have asked first. Basic manners.

A wise decision to go back to paid childcare and keep it all professional.

I’m usually on the side of the person providing free childcare in these scenarios but not this time.

Your mil sounds as though she has the maturity of a fifteen year old to extrapolate all of those conclusions about you hating her from one reasonably polite text message.

She doesn’t sound entirely stable.

It was also rude of her not to include you in the invitation, and to have wasted your time through a wasted trip.

It almost sounds like she is trying to push you out of the way and take your dc out as her own “accessory”.

Also, one of my bugbears is people promising dc things there and then and springing it on you as the parent. It’s always better, and more respectful to the parent, to run it past them in private beforehand so they can no if they want to, and that way the dc is not disappointed. .

I feel like i have been trying to calm down the temper tantrum of my DS since this has happened! I certainly don’t feel like ive been having a decent conversation with a fully grown woman 🙈🙈

its just her reaction when i finally stood up for myself has left me 🤯🤯

Typical control freak behaviour imo. They don't like being told no or even asked politely not to do xyz - and when they experience it for the first time they stamp their feet and throw a tantrum.

I always has a friendly enough relationship with MIL. I am VERY laid back and easygoing generally. There were many occasions when eldest dc was younger where she somewhat overstepped, but it wasn't a huge deal or deal breaker issue so I said nothing. We got on fine, never a cross word.

The first time I ever told her no, about 8 years into our relationship, all hell broke loose. She was at ours, had just popped in for a visit and said 'oh I'm going to take ds (age 3) to x Park (20 minute drive away) we'll be back in a couple of hours' - she had a habit of telling us things rather than asking which I generally ignored. I said oh sorry you can't - my sister is coming soon, she wants to see ds to give him his gift because she's away on his birthday.

She was instantly indignant and TOLD me that they'd still go but just for ten minutes then. I held my temper, said no, sorry, my sister could arrive at any minute so ds needs to stay here, it will have to be another day.

Well, if I did. She insisted. Argued. Then shouted. Kept on and on and on. I was totally bemused and tried my best to calm her down but stayed firm. She then tried to take ds's hand and walk out of the door which was the dealbreaker moment for me. I still stayed as polite as possible but told her in no uncertain terms that this was MY child not hers, I decided where he went or did not and that it wasn't open to discussion.

She picked up her bag, left, and went nc with us all (including dh who wasn't even home) for two years.

A conversation might have gone down better than a text but I don't think the request was unreasonable. Very odd of her to let you travel to her house after work knowing that she would send you away when you got there.

@FinallyYouSaid
Well done you.
All this in front of your ds?
What a loon...
Do you have a relationship with her now ?

YANBU in this instance. But there must be more to it than this, that you haven't told us, for her to go off on one like that.

How old is ds? How far do you live from mil? Does she have a mobile phone and do you have access to yours in the day? Did you really have a nice evening planned?

I don't know why mil and sil didn't message you to say 'we want to take ds out for dinner, pick up later, is that ok?' or ask you to come along too

I wouldn't text to express unhappiness as it blows up like this, but she was being unreasonable in the first place

There really isnt, thats why im so confused. There may well be from her mind that im not aware of, but if thats the case a simple conversation about whats really the problem would be helpful. I did try yo ask if there was anything else again it was ‘how dare you what are you tryibg to say?!’