Am I unreasonable or is MIL

[DJW62]

Long story short because my blood is absolutely boiling!!

so not so long ago my MIL was looking after my DS on my working day as is agreed with us. I go to pick my DS up after work fully expecting to take my child home with me (obviously!) only to be told that I cannot take him home with me (rexcuse me?!) that they (MIL and SIL) had made plans to take him out for super with his cousin and I could come back later to pick him up. I could tell my DS was looking forward to this so I say nothing. However later that evening I send my MIL a polite message saying “nothing wrong, but in future can you please ask or make sure i know of any plans you have with DS because we did actually have a nice evening planned” My MIL went CRAZY in response to this message, “how dare i disrespect her like that, how dare I, she always does her best for the children, she always knew i hated her, im upsetting everyone, making her husband ill” blah blah blah the craziness went on and on and i was made out to be someone awful simply for asking politely to be informed of where my child would be?! So AIBU here for daring to ask such a thing?!

She’s crackers!
She hasn’t got the right to tell you you can’t take your own child home and then to go off it when you address it politely is just batshit crazy.
I would definitely be looking for alternatives to her looking after him.
Great your husband has your back too. Often that doesn’t happen.

Did you really have important alternative plans ? Or did you just want to set boundaries? I doubt MIL deliberately sabotaged anything . Should have given you notice if a long journey though . Really not a hill to die on . Just for one moment think of it from her perspective. This is her grandchild who she is giving free child care to and she was taking him out with family. You chose to text her like she was your employee .

So there is a backstory

She is being irrational and far too emotional about this.
You are his parents and should be consulted and not told about new plans. At the very least asked before you set off to collect him.

Stop using her for childcare. DH needs to have a stern word about her behaviour and tell her that she is the one creating a problem not you.

No they were not important but we did have plans. Im not saying she deliberately sabotaged anything. I have tried to think of it from her perspective and i can just never imagine doing that or reacting like she did. Like i said no issue with taking him out, its the not knowing and the strange reaction to asking to be informed.

Probably offended embarrassed and felt reprimanded. Overreacted for sure and that's unfortunate and she now feels beleaguered by you and your DH . Let the dust settle.

What were your plans, OP?
A bit different if you had bought tickets to take him somewhere or if you special plans were just that you had planned to watch a movie with him, ie could easily be done another time.
Similarly the wasted journey, depends if you waster 1h of your time or 15min.

Where’s your husband in all of this?

I think this is an extremely one-sided version of events, but no more so than the OP, which is equally biased. As usual when we have one side of the story, the truth lies below the surface. As a result, it is all but impossible to give a useful answer to 'AIBU' in cases like this, but as often as not that's not what's wanted, is it?

The joys of not paying for child care.

Apparently so!

He has told his mother that she is being silly and causing alot of upset all because i simply asked that in future if she could ask or let me know of her plans with my child outside of the usual agreed hours that she cares for him. Again this one day of childare she provides is on her terns, it is what she wanted as we did have him in childcare which made her angry. But i will certainly be looking for a paid carer from now on.

In which case I’d step right back and let him deal with her from now on.

if your DH is happy for his mother to keep doing the childcare, then i would push the entirety of it on to him, he collects DS, he picks up if ill, etc etc

Step right back and let them get on with it.

Agree with all of this.

Can dh pick up instead? If he wants the saving of childcare. What is your journey time from pickup to home? Are you just down the road from MIL? Because unless you are neighbours, it is really rude to have someone come to pickup and be turned away at the door, you’ve worked all day, you do not need this extra pointless detour.

Are you the MIL?

Glad you've decided to go for a paid carer. She sounds unhinged. Next time (if there's a next time) I would not bend, take son home even if he is disappointed. She is a boundary pusher and completely out of order to attack you for making such a reasonable request.

Huh?
That’s not how I read the situation at all

Until you can source paid care, your husband needs to take over all contact with his unhinged mother.

There’s always one, isn’t there? 😁

YANBU

Definitely go back to paid childcare. A tantrum over a gentle reminder is bonkers. Bet she wouldn’t have acted that way if her son had sent it.

I think this is sensible advice.

It was really thoughtless of her not to ask you if ds could stay for longer that day and go out with his cousin. It was thoughtless because you had a pointless trip.

But would you have said yes if she'd suggested it? That's what you have to ask yourself honestly.

In the text she is saying that FIL is unwell because of your behaviour and that she knows you hate her, that doesn't kinda suggest some sort of back story?