My sister didn’t visit my son in hospital

[PipsW]

There is a lot of negative history with my sister and as you can imagine it’s layered with incidents, but now I’m pregnant with my second baby, I feel I need to cut her off with this story being the catalyst…

My 16 month old son caught RSV which developed into pneumonia and doctors believe the start of sepsis. His temperature dropped to 33 degrees and we rushed him into hospital where he was admitted to ICU. I can’t even begin to describe the absolute fear and worry we experienced. We can’t thank the doctors enough and he was discharged 5 days later.

During this time, I kept my parents informed and they updated my sister. All of them live an hour and a half away by car from the hospital. My Mum drove up the day after he was admitted and spent the whole duration with us. My sister (who doesn’t work) said she can’t come because she’s busy with her downstairs cloakroom toilet renovation and her pets were stressed with the builders. Her husband works from home, but was also stressed with his job.

Understandably, at the time, I didn’t have the emotionally capacity nor energy to even debate or discuss it, that was the choice she wanted to make based on her circumstances. I’ve renovated houses and I understand it can be stressful.

By the time we get home, we are all exhausted. My sister calls my Mum and it’s on loudspeaker, she asks how we all are and my Mum replies “it’s been a really scary time, we are shattered but he’s doing well and we are glad to be home” … my sister starts crying immediately, can’t catch her breath tears. In that moment, I feel bad for her, like bless, she’s sad she didn’t make the hospital and was worried. I asked her empathetically “aww why are you crying?” And through her choked up voice, she says: “it’s the builders… they’re messing up my toilet renovation!”

I literally looked at My Mum (she defends my sister a lot) with eyes to say, seriously? Wtf?

To put into context, this is my sister who didn’t even send my son a Christmas gift on his first Christmas. Her excuse was she was busy with her kitchen renovation. I once sent her a video of my son’s firsts steps and all she commented on was my cat sat in the background, saying she looked fluffy. In general, she just doesn’t make effort.

I did confront her with all the above to which she laughed it all off, there was no acknowledgment, no self awareness and certainly no apology. Truth is, I just don’t think she cares.

So, AIBU to cut her off?
What would you do?

How would your mum feel knowing her two daughters weren't talking? Your sister sounds like a pain in the arsenal, but your mum needs you both.

I dont think you need be so dramatic as to cut her off. Just stop expecting her to care.

Some people just aren’t interested in kids, whether they are a relation or not. Your relationship will improve if you stop expecting her to care.

Don't cut her off, just dial her down. Much less drama.

You know who she is, none of this can be very surprising.

I wouldn't dream of visiting anyone in hospital unless they had nobody else or were there for weeks on end. The hospitals are too full of visitors to the point that staff struggle to do their jobs because people are in the way.

Your child had you and their father and that is all they needed. EDIT - Oh, and your mum.

Cutting her off sounds like a huge over-reaction. I can understand that it is sad for you that your son is not a high priority for her, but people are allowed to have priorities that are different from those around them. She hasn't done anything terrible, she just isn't the person you would like her to be.

I don’t think cutting her off is necessary, but honestly, many people don’t give a hoot about other people’s children - even their own close relatives. It’s not nice, but it’s nothing new in history.

She sounds like she has had an empathy bypass- anyone being in ICU is obviously not in a good place - but she’s just not interested. Lower your expectations of her and concentrate on the people in your life who do matter and reciprocate their love and care with you and your family.

She isn’t interested in your kids. She’s made that abundantly clear. Stop expecting her to behave as if she cares.

There’s no need to be a drama queen about it and cut her off. This isn’t Eastenders. Just don’t bother with her, see her at Christmas at your parents’ house, and leave it at that.

You are not being unreasonable OP whatsoever & I don’t understand the 70% who are saying otherwise. The best way to deal with it is to accept it & have no expectations. That way she can never hurt you or stay rent free in your head again and your children will never know any different. You will save them from hurt going forwards and a piece of advice don’t share this with your Mum as she does know deep down your sister is in the wrong but doesn’t want to get caught in the middle and end up making things worse. From now on just don’t get into a conversation with your Mum about your sister just evade & evade. Glad your son is doing better & congrats on the pregnancy.

You don't need to cut her off.

You just need to come to terms with the fact that she is extremely self-centered and accept that she is one of those people who can't see beyond the end of their own nose.

Once you accept that, it will be easier. She is your sister and you can still have a relationship with her, but know the limits.

Don't go out of your way to contact her, but for your mum's sake don't actively cut her out of your life and if you end up in the same room then you can have a chat.

I think that would be a huge overreaction. Just adjust your expectations of her. It's a good rule to live by.

I wouldn't visit someone in the hospital from an hour and a half away, if they were there for 5 days. I'd visit a close relative in the same town or someone who was there for a lot longer.

Her crying about the builders isn't good, but she did call to ask how you were.

Cutting her off - extreme and YABU. If you feel she doesn't care, reduce the level of care and interest you show her.

I wouldn't visit someone in the hospital from an hour and a half away, if they were there for 5 days. I'd visit a close relative in the same town or someone who was there for a lot longer.

Same except if they had no one else there, which wasn't the case.

I care about my nieces and nephews but wouldn’t have visited them in hospital- I would just assume the parents would want space to care and hover over their sick child. I would have asked if I could help in other ways eg shopping, looking after other children.

Remember all this when she's in hospital or her immediate family - don't visit or call.

Maybe think about things when your less emotional and stressed the other poster is right you should expect her not to care she clearly doesn't and I have the same with my sister some very poor behaviour from her she used to make an effort to pop over once a month (she works two jobs and I'm usually hone so it's easier if she comes to us) since one of our parents got really sick she has stopped coming you might think it's because she is supporting her parent it isn't I'm doing that she doesn't even visit them she leaves it all to me (who has enough on her plate quite frankly) if they die she will come out of the woodwork crying her eyes out looking for "keepsakes" it sounds harsh but she always does this and I accept that it's just how she is the kids actually like her and are hurt by her absence but it's a reminder to not get attached to her we just arnt close

Don't get upset with sisters total lack of interest in anything to do with you. It's obviously upsetting, but just stop letting it bother you. You don't need to cut her off, just avoid her. Lower all your expectations in future then you have full control and won't get upset. She's not worth worrying about. But your mum will totally understand from this experience, as she was present, why you want to distance yourself from your sister. Sorry to hear your little one was so ill, hopefully better very soon.

What purpose would her visiting your son in hospital serve?

Ridiculous of her to start crying about her renovations in the middle of a conversation about your son in hospital.

But it wouldn't occur to me to visit the hospital in this situation, or to have my siblings come if it was my child.

Your sister lives a long way from the hospital, why would she visit? When my daughter was ill in hospital for 4 days I didn't even have DH visit except the first day to bring clothes (we were admitted via A&E).

Your sister does sound self absorbed but actually so do you.

She sounds uninterested in you and your life op, I don't think she sounds cruel but just not close.

I wouldn't cut her off but I'd take several big steps back and not expect anything from her and not keep trying to make her into someone she isn't.

Glad your boy got through that.

Don't cut off your sister.
Re-evaluate your drama and lower your expectations.
Your mum has been by your side.
If one of my DDs were in hospital 1.5hrs away, I wouldn't expect my sister to visit unless things took a turn for the worst.

Does your sister have children? My guess is, she doesn't! My ex best friend was like this when my daughter was born. My daughter would be looking at ex best friend and she would completely ignore her. She was the one who arranged my baby shower, bought tonnes of clothes for her and then completely ignored her. She's an ex best friend for that reason alone. It's different with family members though.

I think an hour and a half is a long way to travel to see someone in hospital when they've already got people there with them. Nothing would have been better if she had turned up and other people were already visiting.

I probably wouldn't go and see someone in hospital if they had other people unless I was asked and they needed something taken in.

She doesn't sound as interested as you would want her to be so be more distant.

Shes not interested in your kid - at all.