My sister didn’t visit my son in hospital

[PipsW]

There is a lot of negative history with my sister and as you can imagine it’s layered with incidents, but now I’m pregnant with my second baby, I feel I need to cut her off with this story being the catalyst…

My 16 month old son caught RSV which developed into pneumonia and doctors believe the start of sepsis. His temperature dropped to 33 degrees and we rushed him into hospital where he was admitted to ICU. I can’t even begin to describe the absolute fear and worry we experienced. We can’t thank the doctors enough and he was discharged 5 days later.

During this time, I kept my parents informed and they updated my sister. All of them live an hour and a half away by car from the hospital. My Mum drove up the day after he was admitted and spent the whole duration with us. My sister (who doesn’t work) said she can’t come because she’s busy with her downstairs cloakroom toilet renovation and her pets were stressed with the builders. Her husband works from home, but was also stressed with his job.

Understandably, at the time, I didn’t have the emotionally capacity nor energy to even debate or discuss it, that was the choice she wanted to make based on her circumstances. I’ve renovated houses and I understand it can be stressful.

By the time we get home, we are all exhausted. My sister calls my Mum and it’s on loudspeaker, she asks how we all are and my Mum replies “it’s been a really scary time, we are shattered but he’s doing well and we are glad to be home” … my sister starts crying immediately, can’t catch her breath tears. In that moment, I feel bad for her, like bless, she’s sad she didn’t make the hospital and was worried. I asked her empathetically “aww why are you crying?” And through her choked up voice, she says: “it’s the builders… they’re messing up my toilet renovation!”

I literally looked at My Mum (she defends my sister a lot) with eyes to say, seriously? Wtf?

To put into context, this is my sister who didn’t even send my son a Christmas gift on his first Christmas. Her excuse was she was busy with her kitchen renovation. I once sent her a video of my son’s firsts steps and all she commented on was my cat sat in the background, saying she looked fluffy. In general, she just doesn’t make effort.

I did confront her with all the above to which she laughed it all off, there was no acknowledgment, no self awareness and certainly no apology. Truth is, I just don’t think she cares.

So, AIBU to cut her off?
What would you do?

There might be some back story here and your sister was very insensitive to start crying about a renovation after your scare but in all honesty, she’s got her own life OP, your child isn’t going to be the big centre of her world you seem to be expecting.

She may not be interested in your child, but I suspect she may even be actively jealous of you? I’m saying this because her commenting on a cat in the background of your kids first steps video seems like a deliberate slight.

Her having no kids is no excuse, I don’t have any kids and I wouldn’t treat my friends who are mothers like this at all. For example, I have a friend who wanted to know if I was coming back on Facebook so I could see all her family updates. I said no but I’m more than happy if you want to email or WhatsApp any pictures or videos like many of my friends do! And I always comment on the child even if it’s just a short “look how big he is” “ super cute” etc.

I couldn’t imagine taking such a lack of interest in my friends kids let alone a siblings child.

Crying about her toilet renovations while on the phone to you guys at the hospital dealing with a sick child is massively disrespectful and weird too. I’d say this is intentional.

How was your relationship with her before you had kids?

People on the whole aren’t that interested in other peoples kids. They don’t wish them ill, just not that invested. Her visit would have achieved nothing.

When my kids have been in hospital no family visited. It doesn’t mean anything.DH dropped some stuff off and then took his turn to wait at the hospital… I dropped some stuff off.I didn’t give it a 2nd thought.

I agree.
I'd hate her to be my sister though.
So self centred.
Did your Mum comment on the call ?

You have nothing to gain by carrying on any association with this awful, self-obsessed woman.

Just leave her to it. No contact unless she does.

She has actually shown you the relationship she wants - which is zilch. So start listening to her

I dont think she needed to visit, as long as she's been kept updated of how he was.

She sounds as thick as mince TBH.

Don’t cut her off, your poor mum, just have basic contact and let her worry about her toilet.

There is no need to be so dramatic I accept people for who they and not because they have to fit in what I have decided for them

I don't have to make the same choices as then or agree with their choices but in this case no I would not have visited the hospital in this instance

The hospitals are too full of visitors to the point that staff struggle to do their jobs because people are in the way

Really? 🙄

I very much doubt this is why the ops sister didn't visit

The crying over her renovations is odd and tone deaf, I’ll give you that.

However, I wouldn’t expect her to visit the hospital. Extra people hanging around aren’t needed when people are ill, especially since you already had support. My sister adores my kids but she’s never visited during any hospital admissions. It’s not a measure of how much she loves them.

My brother lives the same distance away, save no, I wouldn't have driven up to visit, either. Especially given that your DC was in ICU. Visiting is normally very tight in ICU and I'd have assumed I'd be in the way.

I wouldn't be crying about my toilet during a checking in call, though.

So true @DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain it reminds me of Maya Angelous quote “when someone shows you who they are believe them”

OP, the only thing I’d say is it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you can massively reduce contact and just accept this is unfortunately who she is without going no contact
completely.

Your sister sounds self-absorbed and a total pain, although I have to say that I wouldn’t expect my siblings to visit DD in hospital, particular as they, like yours, live some distance away. Similarly, I don’t think I would be expected to visit my nieces and nephews in similar circumstances.

If you’re getting nothing out of the relationship then by all means cut contact. Personally, I’d just limit it to what is necessary rather than going NC.

I wouldn't worry about it so much , she was going through stress and couldn't think straight, it wasn't the same level as yours of course, but to her it was important and very upsetting , it's not top trumps.

And no, don't cut her off over this. You'll only hurt your mum and make her life intensely difficult.

I was talking to one of my daughters the other day, and I can't recall how it came up, but I said that the worst thing I could imagine is her and her sister falling out seriously, and potentially for ever. It would break me.

So don't be so self indulgent. She is who she is. Manage your expectations and carry on regardless. She hasn't done anything worthy of you going nc. Not remotely.

I personally couldn’t refrain from coming to the hospital if my nephew/niece had sepsis. I wouldn’t want to visit them necessarily but I would do everything to support my sibling, like bring them food, or offer to sit with the child once out of ICU so they could get a few hours rest etc. I know too well what could happen and how things can quickly change in a hospital ICU, I could never live with that regret. You do not have to be invested in kids to have empathy in a situation like this, for your sibling at least. Glad things worked out in the end but if someone is not there in my dark days I don’t need them in my good days. She could at least offered to help and banging on about her renovations is extremely insensitive. I wouldn’t keep in touch with her and I would give short answers to her texts if she contacted me and meet her at family gatherings without making an effort with her specifically.

A week after my fiancé died (in February)I had to get out of the house so I went to stay the night at my sisters house because I was in a bad place (lost my son a year and a half before this) and I think my favourite part was when she told me that she was pissed off that I didn't give either of my nieces a Christmas card the previous Christmas lol. Before my son died we got on brilliantly and were so close but I have seen a drastic change in her, it's like she can't stand any of the focus being on me and obviously my whole family rallied around me which meant they weren't around much to do shit for her and then fucking hell I have another loss a year and a half later and the snappiness and moods are off the charts. Everyone is seeing it and it's left a bad taste in peoples mouths. I still love her to bits though and I know that when we have our next heart to heart she will be getting told straight to grow the fuck up and it's not a competition about who has the worst life, I haven't had the mental energy to deal with her though but I'm getting back on my feet so I will be able to have that talk with her and all will be well. I'm glad your son is much better now but obviously your poor sister having to deal with her toilet not going to plan is heartbreaking. Yes I'm taking the piss lol

Be polite for the sake of your mother, but you don't have to go any further than that. You know where you stand now.

My late husband was in hospital for 4 months when he had his stroke. His daughter didn't visit once. Yes, she lived at the other end of the country, but she's happy to fly up for holidays and has plenty money. (She had a very well-paid job and quit when she was in her 40s.)

When people show you who they really are...

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Practice grey rock around your sister and do a long slow fade out of her life, so gradually that no one will notice, and you have constant supply of plausible excuses like kitchen renovations.

Is there rivalry between you?
It sounds like she wanted some of the attention on her and crying about a toilet is one way to try and get it

Is she jealous that you have DC (if she hasn't got any herself)? She sounds as though she might be.

As others have said, she's just not that into your kids and is honest enough not to pretend.

Find another way to connect with her. Be interested in her renovations as much as you would like her to be interested in your children.

I wouldn't expect my sister to visit my children in hospital even if she was local.

Why did your son need to be a zoo attraction in hospital? It's actually awful to expect him to be on show and having to deal with multiple visitors he doesn't need. All that is about you not your son.

As for cards and not sending them... Can your child read? If not what purpose do they have?

It's not about your child and not giving him attention, it's about YOUR need for attention via using your child to get it.

It's frankly petty and immature.

I'm very happy to hear your baby is doing well.

Op, you know who your sister is. She has always been like this, she will always be like this. Just from what you've written, there is definitely something not 'quite right' about your sister, and whether that be ND, a seriously narcissistic personality, whatever, it's your reaction to her that you're responsible for. Nothing she comes out with should surprise you by now, and I genuinely don't think you should take anything she says personally. That's just her. I also don't understand why her not being at the hospital is even an issue. That was not the time for a visit, and there was nothing she could have done to improve the situation. Given the relationship you have with her and her challenging personality, I would think you'd be totally relieved she wasn't there.