My sister didn’t visit my son in hospital

[PipsW]

There is a lot of negative history with my sister and as you can imagine it’s layered with incidents, but now I’m pregnant with my second baby, I feel I need to cut her off with this story being the catalyst…

My 16 month old son caught RSV which developed into pneumonia and doctors believe the start of sepsis. His temperature dropped to 33 degrees and we rushed him into hospital where he was admitted to ICU. I can’t even begin to describe the absolute fear and worry we experienced. We can’t thank the doctors enough and he was discharged 5 days later.

During this time, I kept my parents informed and they updated my sister. All of them live an hour and a half away by car from the hospital. My Mum drove up the day after he was admitted and spent the whole duration with us. My sister (who doesn’t work) said she can’t come because she’s busy with her downstairs cloakroom toilet renovation and her pets were stressed with the builders. Her husband works from home, but was also stressed with his job.

Understandably, at the time, I didn’t have the emotionally capacity nor energy to even debate or discuss it, that was the choice she wanted to make based on her circumstances. I’ve renovated houses and I understand it can be stressful.

By the time we get home, we are all exhausted. My sister calls my Mum and it’s on loudspeaker, she asks how we all are and my Mum replies “it’s been a really scary time, we are shattered but he’s doing well and we are glad to be home” … my sister starts crying immediately, can’t catch her breath tears. In that moment, I feel bad for her, like bless, she’s sad she didn’t make the hospital and was worried. I asked her empathetically “aww why are you crying?” And through her choked up voice, she says: “it’s the builders… they’re messing up my toilet renovation!”

I literally looked at My Mum (she defends my sister a lot) with eyes to say, seriously? Wtf?

To put into context, this is my sister who didn’t even send my son a Christmas gift on his first Christmas. Her excuse was she was busy with her kitchen renovation. I once sent her a video of my son’s firsts steps and all she commented on was my cat sat in the background, saying she looked fluffy. In general, she just doesn’t make effort.

I did confront her with all the above to which she laughed it all off, there was no acknowledgment, no self awareness and certainly no apology. Truth is, I just don’t think she cares.

So, AIBU to cut her off?
What would you do?

I would not cut her off. Just except she seems quite self involved.
Also I adore my nieces and nephews but I probably wouldn't visit them in hospital unless requested . They are such busy places . The last thing the staff need is lots of family in the way . Bringing in more germs .
But I would msg and show support

Your sister sounds self involved, egotistical and she obviously doesn't give a shit. I'd be going low contact and expecting very little from her with regards to the DC.

Your child being in hospital is a red herring though. PICU doesn't want random family relatives traipsing in and out. Usually it's parents, siblings and grandparents (and winter protocol / infection outbreak can whittle down the visitors allowed even further) so I'm not sure what you expected your sister to do? She shouldn't really have been visiting a child in PICU?

It is okay for your sister, who presumably doesn’t have DC, not to be involved with your DC. Just accept her for who she is and don’t expect more. Your DC have their parents and grandparents.

You are being far too dramatic
You are understandably upset about your child.

Your sister is upset about whats going on in her life

Noone is right or wrong

I wouldnt go and see my nephew either. I would assume its just immediate family. It would occur to me?

Far too much drama.

I have a sister like that, although much more extreme and she cut me off when i had a baby. I presume through jealousy. There was no fight. She never wanted children, but think that she didn't like to see her younger sister moving on with her life. I wouldn't cut her off, simply because it makes things very difficult logistically for a family at major events. It probably won't alleviate your stress or anger either. However, I would take a major step back. I wouldn't fall out, but would not be making any effort or contact, other than birthday and xmas cards (no presents). She clearly has no ability to empathise.

What would have been the point of your sister visiting a 16-month-old in intensive care for five days? The baby isn’t going to know or care about it, and I can’t really see what practical support she could have offered you in the hospital. I don’t really think it’s ideal for lots of people to be gathered round the bed of a baby in ICU. If a child was in hospital long-term on an ordinary ward, that might be different, but he was there for five days, and it was intensive care.

To support her sister in an extremely difficult time?
You being serious?

Frankly, I'm with your DSis. Would never occur to me to visit my nieces or nephews in hospital.

Yes really. A&E last month were telling non patients to go home or wait outside as there was no room for those who are ill.

On wards most have signs saying maximum of 2 visitors per bed. OP, OPs DP and her mum is already over the max.

If staff are continually asking people to move so they can take blood pressure, temps or give meds then it just adds to time wasted. Think it through...

Just treat her like an acquaintance you only see at your parents’ house.

No more cards.

No more presents.

No more calls.

No visiting her in hospital.

Are you the sister?

YABU, OP. A small child only needs their parents to visit - nobody else. In general, there are way too many hospital visitors, and for too long. They make it more difficult for staff to do their jobs, and can actually tire out the patients and make recovery more difficult. Hospital is not a social event.

Agree she shouldn’t feel obliged to come to hospital (to do what - sit in a waiting room) unless asked for moral support, but there were two others there already as well as you.

The crying over the renovation is a bit eyebrow raising but she doesn’t have kids and may be at the end if her tether with work. Your child was safely home at this point. She may also be a self absorbed person.

Don’t cut her off. Just accept this is she is. TBH She is likely not too invested in your child if she doesn’t see them all the time.

No. Last month I was a patient and saw the frustration that staff had trying to get to the patients who were surrounded by family.

And no, you weren't witty with that comment, just ignorant of what hospitals are like now. Lucky you.

If you and your sister don’t get on, and her behaviour is often excused/enabled, why would you expect more from her when you have a long, negative history.

My sister and I definitely fell into that category with my mother excusing her which wasn’t surprising since she learned her behaviours from my mother and my mother spoiled her.

We both reached meh status and kept away from each other (easy when you live in different countries) and living our lives only talking to each other on our terms. My father often tried to push the issue for us to speak more and would swear up and down we were raised the same but we weren’t. We had different relationships with our parents, upbringings, and we are opposites. We can’t even say we look related. The only things we had in common is our annoyance at our parents and probably not expecting much from the other.

It wasn’t until we were both pregnant at the same time that we started to talk more, her pregnant with her first and I pregnant with my third. Our daughters are six months apart. My DH has joked that he has seen us talk more in a month than he has the last 10 years.

You can cut her off for not being the sister you want her to be, but really you don’t actually have to do anything. Give her the same energy, she gives you. Simply leave her be and talk to her on your own terms. She calls you, you can talk to her if you desire if not, don’t. You don’t have to update her about anything and leave it to your parents to do so. You both are adults and you don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want to.

You’re stressing yourself out unnecessarily worrying over her.

Some people aren’t interested in children just like some people aren’t interested in horses or gardening.
She probably didn’t realise how ill your son was, to some people they think hospital = treatment = recovery. They don’t see the anxiety for the parents in the middle part of that. And if she’d travelled to the hospital what could she have done?

I had pnumosepsis as a child and nearly died. I was in an induced coma at one point. They moved me off the ward (old victorian building long ward hospital with no private rooms) to a cleared out store room area so my death wouldn't upset the other children. So I was about as close to death as you can get.

Non of my 10 aunts and uncles visited. Its was a medical emergency, I was severely vulnerable with a seriously weekend immune system and could have died at any point, its is NOT a mass family event.

Hospitals are not fun day trips, you are not suppose to traipse the whole circus through. Its a place for sick people who are at risk, any extra cough or cold these unnecessary people bring in could kill someone.

I think ignorant would be turning a sister who cries about her loo renovation whilst her nephew is sick into a sob story that she is concerned about the number of visitors at hospitals.

It sounds like she doesn't have kids? Maybe she wants to and it's not happening?
For a childless woman a baby's milestones aren't that exciting.
She has a duty to look after her pets - she didn't need to come to hospital. If you'd been alone and needed baby things picked up and brought to you then it would have been mean if she was the only one free and she said no, but she knows you have other support.

Ps she doesn't need 'an excuse' not to send your son gifts sorry. You need to accept that she is a diffeeent kind of auntie to the one you would have hoped for but you're not entitled to someone who is obsesssed with your kids.

I also agree with this

So she expects people to care about her toilet renovation but doesn't give a crap about her nephew? I don't understand the people saying you should accept this is how she is. Nope.

I agree with PP who are saying to just change your expectations.

Cutting her off would likely just upset your parents and it's not really fair on them to be stuck in the middle, I don't think.

Other peoples kids arent that interesting particularly if you are as self absorbed as your sister seems to be. I wouldn’t cut her off, that’s a bit shit for the rest of the family, just keep it low contact.

Just treat her the way she treats you, no friendly chats /messaging or gushing over her latest renovations. I learned this a long time ago with my sister. We're low contact and when my elderly DM asks if I've seen her I just say not lately, I don't want her fretting. Like mine, your sister is self absorbed so let her be and enjoy your life without her in it.
NB I would have definitely supported my siblings if their DC were seriously ill.