My sister didn’t visit my son in hospital

[PipsW]

There is a lot of negative history with my sister and as you can imagine it’s layered with incidents, but now I’m pregnant with my second baby, I feel I need to cut her off with this story being the catalyst…

My 16 month old son caught RSV which developed into pneumonia and doctors believe the start of sepsis. His temperature dropped to 33 degrees and we rushed him into hospital where he was admitted to ICU. I can’t even begin to describe the absolute fear and worry we experienced. We can’t thank the doctors enough and he was discharged 5 days later.

During this time, I kept my parents informed and they updated my sister. All of them live an hour and a half away by car from the hospital. My Mum drove up the day after he was admitted and spent the whole duration with us. My sister (who doesn’t work) said she can’t come because she’s busy with her downstairs cloakroom toilet renovation and her pets were stressed with the builders. Her husband works from home, but was also stressed with his job.

Understandably, at the time, I didn’t have the emotionally capacity nor energy to even debate or discuss it, that was the choice she wanted to make based on her circumstances. I’ve renovated houses and I understand it can be stressful.

By the time we get home, we are all exhausted. My sister calls my Mum and it’s on loudspeaker, she asks how we all are and my Mum replies “it’s been a really scary time, we are shattered but he’s doing well and we are glad to be home” … my sister starts crying immediately, can’t catch her breath tears. In that moment, I feel bad for her, like bless, she’s sad she didn’t make the hospital and was worried. I asked her empathetically “aww why are you crying?” And through her choked up voice, she says: “it’s the builders… they’re messing up my toilet renovation!”

I literally looked at My Mum (she defends my sister a lot) with eyes to say, seriously? Wtf?

To put into context, this is my sister who didn’t even send my son a Christmas gift on his first Christmas. Her excuse was she was busy with her kitchen renovation. I once sent her a video of my son’s firsts steps and all she commented on was my cat sat in the background, saying she looked fluffy. In general, she just doesn’t make effort.

I did confront her with all the above to which she laughed it all off, there was no acknowledgment, no self awareness and certainly no apology. Truth is, I just don’t think she cares.

So, AIBU to cut her off?
What would you do?

I have no interest in anyones kids.

YABU to expect her to visit the hospital, visitors in ICU are normally restricted and for good reason.

YANBU to wish she cared more - her crying over the renovations when you have a really sick child is nothing short of bizarre - but you can’t make her be more caring.

Cutting her off just feeds the drama. Just go low contact, keep it to the minimum and expect nothing from her.

I wouldn't cut her off for that. She hasn't done anything awful, she is just self-absorbed and thoughtless. Surely you can maintain a polite, distant relationship even if it is only for your mum's sake?

I think it is also possible that she is a bit jealous - maybe jealous that you have children, or maybe just of your mum's relationship with you and your children. I was the adult child without children in my family for awhile and I did get fed up of hearing about the various grandchildren from my mum. I know that doesn't show me in a good light but I am being honest. I used to roll my eyes on the phone listening to their achievements from my mum. But really, if I am honest, I was a bit jealous.

I would not go no contact with her. She has shown her true self to you. It all about her, her life and what she is doing. Instead I would just go low contact with her where you contact her if and when it suits you.

One of my friends has a sister like her and my friend went lc with her a few years ago. It's not leaving her elderly mother dealing with 2 daughters that are not talking to each other either.
Recently her sister told her something that could impact on my friends life in the next few years. It gives my friend a chance to make plans and changes now before their elderly parents need more care.

I would not go no contact with her. She has shown her true self to you. It all about her, her life and what she is doing. Instead I would just go low contact with her where you contact her if and when it suits you.

One of my friends has a sister like her and my friend went lc with her a few years ago. It's not leaving her elderly mother dealing with 2 daughters that are not talking to each other either.
Recently her sister told her something that could impact on my friends life in the next few years. It gives my friend a chance to make plans and changes now before their elderly parents need more care.

She simply just doesn’t have the remotest interest vin your child

doesn't make her a bad person just re adjust your expectations

i wouldn't expect any of my siblings to visit my own children in hospital if they were ill? what an odd thing to expect?

i personally would think that being kept upto date via telephone was sufficient. and i also am aware that other people also have drama in their own lives to deal with, weather it be poorly children or a bodged building job.

as hard as it is to understand, not all family members are as invested in your children as you are. i wouldn't go NC for this alone

Disconnect and allow yourself to focus on your family. Leave her where she is, be cordial but don't seek her out. She'll want something from you eventually and then you can grey rock her, but honestly I would just let the relationship wither. She sounds like a drama queen.

Im really lucky that my siblings are great with my kids but they aren’t obliged to be. I still wouldn’t expect them to visit them in hospital - my sisters didn’t even visit me when I gave birth. I always think when you are vulnerable in hospital no one wants endless visitors traipsing in, but a visits when you are home is appreciated.

I find it really odd that people think it’s a high expectation for an aunt to visit their nephew in hospital when he was critically sick. It takes a lot to be admitted to ICU and anything can happen. When my DD was transfered from one hospital to another hospital intubated on life support my sister was there before we were !

It’s very diff than when we are on the normal ward etc

I have never expected my sister to come and visit my kids in hospital, and it wouldn’t cross my mind to visit hers 😵‍💫 Obviously different if it’s months on end but this was 5 days. Visit and do what, just sit there getting in the way?
In fact I would assume ICU didn’t allow visitors due to infection control, someone would need to actually ask me to come and visit as I would assume it would be an imposition if it even was allowed.

I'm not surprised your hurt. As someone who has quite a few immediate family members who show close to zero interest in the kids I can tell you it gets easier over the years. They don't care, they never will I stopped caring too. There's no close relationship between my kids,and these people,now either.

The crux is my kids don't really much of a shit about them now either. It's just how it is. Would have been much nicer to be close but that's long, long too late. Not once has my kids ever come to me and said " you know I really missed out on not having x in my childhood". Would I step up and be a better person for these disinterested family? Nope. You can't make anyone love anyone

Depends on the relationship of the siblings, and the person’s personality imo.

OP doesn’t have a good relationship with her sister in the first place so the likelihood of her sister showing up was likely small from the get go.

OP also knows what her sister is like and should know whether her sister is the type who will come immediately, offer to help, wait to be asked, or unfazed when it comes to such situations where people are in the hospital.

I'm surprised at some of these responses - I'm happily childfree and usually the first to spout the 'not everyone loves your kid' agenda, but he was very seriously ill in hospital, ffs.

I wouldn't have expected her to visit the hospital, for all the other reasons pps have said, but the crying about her renovations is horrendous.
Even if people don't like kids, this isn't a random child, it's her nephew. And even if she didn't feel anything for him, which is odd, but you can't force a relationship, presumably she loves you? So it's weird to not even care about how his illness impacted upon you? Same with your mum? Your closest family members are stressed, upset and exhausted - changing the subject to prattle on about your bathroom renovation isn't just insensitive, it's bordering on psychopathic.

Even if it was just a random acquaintance who'd had a child in hospital anyone with the barest idea of human interaction would know that was the topic to focus on!

I've been the aunt/friend who does get a bit bored of the constant "adorable" kid videos, but tbf it doesn't sound like you were spamming her - if she can manage a comment about your cat, she can manage an 'aw cute' about your child!

Slightly on a tangent but I feel sometimes like people value 'honesty' to such a degree that they refuse to say anything they don't wholeheartedly feel - there seems to be an overlap with the people who just refuse to say things to grease the wheels of social interaction - saying a quick sorry to a customer even when the fault wasn't directly down to yours, the feigning interest in someone's cat/family/job for a few minutes even when you find them boring...

Cutting her off completely might be more stress than its worth, and upset your mother, but I would just stop making any effort at all, and grey rock her. Don't bother contacting her first, but also don't feel you have any obligation to listen to her when she wants to offload on you. Treat her like a second cousin you see at Christmas or a colleague you don't know well - feign polite interest if your mother talks about her, be polite if she invites her round at the same time as you but don't make any direct contact yourself.

It depends on the relationship though, doesn't it?

I have aunts I could walk past in the street without recognising them - if they ever showed up to visit me in hospital I'd be wondering whether they were feeling okay, lol.

Hello everyone,

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts and opinions based on the information given, as well as views towards hospital visits.

Much has happened over the years and it has built up, so yes there are a lot of emotions and triggers, something I need to work on as well as keeping my expectations low.

I accept that cutting off is OTT, mostly for the extended family’s sake. However, given the history I believe it’s important to keep a distance and set boundaries. As many have said, I need to focus on my babies. To clarify my sister has expressed she’s not interested in having children anytime soon.

I’m in agreement, we can’t change people, but we can change our behavior towards them.

The amount of comments saying that she shouldn't care if her sister was interested is awful. If that was somebody in my family I too would be extremely upset, whether she likes kids or not I would still expect her to care about my child and love them.

All of these comments defending the sister have proper boggled my head. Its just poor taste in the first place for her to say those things and I would also rightly be angry

If your sister isn't interested in kids soon she might have an epiphany when she does. Let's hope she doesn't come to you for childcare.

A former childfree friend of mine was like that about other people’s kids, so disinterested to the point of being meanspirited. She would tell me I did too much as I’d often babysit or accompany friends on day trips with their kids, attend baby showers etc

Well she fell pregnant unexpectedly and suddenly she was all about “it takes a village” and randomly talking about how great it is to buy presents for kids that aren’t your own lol

She organised her own baby shower and from what I heard by someone who saw some photos she was tagged in, only her sister and mum and nieces attended. She was also generally a bad friend and I was ready to part ways with her by then, so I didn’t attend either.

It’s a shame she learnt the hard way, but sometimes you get what you give in life.