My sister didn’t visit my son in hospital

[PipsW]

There is a lot of negative history with my sister and as you can imagine it’s layered with incidents, but now I’m pregnant with my second baby, I feel I need to cut her off with this story being the catalyst…

My 16 month old son caught RSV which developed into pneumonia and doctors believe the start of sepsis. His temperature dropped to 33 degrees and we rushed him into hospital where he was admitted to ICU. I can’t even begin to describe the absolute fear and worry we experienced. We can’t thank the doctors enough and he was discharged 5 days later.

During this time, I kept my parents informed and they updated my sister. All of them live an hour and a half away by car from the hospital. My Mum drove up the day after he was admitted and spent the whole duration with us. My sister (who doesn’t work) said she can’t come because she’s busy with her downstairs cloakroom toilet renovation and her pets were stressed with the builders. Her husband works from home, but was also stressed with his job.

Understandably, at the time, I didn’t have the emotionally capacity nor energy to even debate or discuss it, that was the choice she wanted to make based on her circumstances. I’ve renovated houses and I understand it can be stressful.

By the time we get home, we are all exhausted. My sister calls my Mum and it’s on loudspeaker, she asks how we all are and my Mum replies “it’s been a really scary time, we are shattered but he’s doing well and we are glad to be home” … my sister starts crying immediately, can’t catch her breath tears. In that moment, I feel bad for her, like bless, she’s sad she didn’t make the hospital and was worried. I asked her empathetically “aww why are you crying?” And through her choked up voice, she says: “it’s the builders… they’re messing up my toilet renovation!”

I literally looked at My Mum (she defends my sister a lot) with eyes to say, seriously? Wtf?

To put into context, this is my sister who didn’t even send my son a Christmas gift on his first Christmas. Her excuse was she was busy with her kitchen renovation. I once sent her a video of my son’s firsts steps and all she commented on was my cat sat in the background, saying she looked fluffy. In general, she just doesn’t make effort.

I did confront her with all the above to which she laughed it all off, there was no acknowledgment, no self awareness and certainly no apology. Truth is, I just don’t think she cares.

So, AIBU to cut her off?
What would you do?

Send her toilet a Get Well Card.

You both sound totally self absorbed.

Shes not particularly bothered about your child. You seem to think she should be. Stop expecting people to care about the things you care about, as much as you do.

Why would someone visit in hospital, when they live so far away and it was a short hospital stay?

Cutting her off is totally OTT. Just live your life, and let her live hers

Genius.

Pls do this OP

If your child was so poorly to need ICU, I doubt visitors other than parents would be a good idea. Best to keep poorly DCs calm, quiet and in contact with as few potential sources of infection as possible.

Yabu. And over-the-counter.

Even though I don't find other people's children that interesting, I feel for a friend, family member or colleague who has a deathly sick child. Your sister's lack of empathy is shocking. She sounds very narcissistic. And she should have visited you to support you. And for her to cry hysterically over a toilet. It's all about her. If one of her pet's gets sick, ignore her. What goes around comes around.

Lots of very seriously, worryingly devoid of basic empathy comments here.

I agree that visiting the hospital wouldn't have been helpful. However, obviously, any normal person would express concern and sympathy towards their closest relative undergoing a terrifying, distressing ordeal. OP's sister didn't make any effort to support her in words or actions, instead hurting her by ignoring her pain and fear.

Is there any possibility, OP, that she's someone who's unable to express feelings well in such situations so was crying with the release of tension when she heard your baby had, thankfully, survived? Or that she's undergoing mental health issues, depression or relationship problems?

I'd try asking her, give her the benefit of the doubt, and if she's callous about it then lower your expectations and keep a little distant for self-protection.

Shes a Cunt. there doesn't need to be an argument just back off and she'll get the hint.

Completely missed the point

Meet her with the same energy. Don’t cut her off, but stop trying to include her. Start to expect this kind of bullshit and you won’t be disappointed if she’s an immature twat. It sounds like she is jealous of your child.

you dont need to cut her off, that would be dramatic. Sounds like she is not in to kids which is fine, it is just fact that some people aren’t. I doubt ICU would have let her in to visit him anyway even if she had rocked up. When my niece was in hospital for 4 nights I did not visit and I only live 5 mins away, there was no drama. Just reduce contact and just see her at family events.

I wouldn't visit my neice or nephew if they in hospital and I'm very close to my sister. I wouldn't want to intrude. Unless she asked me to visit that is. Sounds like your sister has enough stress in her life at the moment with the house. Having done up a house I can tell you it takes over your life and we were juggling dd and jobs too. Cutting her off is ott. She is not interested in your child.

If that was my sibling, I would think it is actually pent up stress about their DN coming out in toilet renovation talk. You know her, it's worth considering the possibility.

My family would come to the hospital if asked, but for just a few days I don't think the full circus is necessary and parents is enough (you and your DH, at a maximum your mum dropping off a food parcel). Bringing everyone and their neighbour into hospitals increases additional infection risks so it isn't really a good idea.

Not excusing her behaviour- crying about toilet renovation when your child is sick in hospital is ridiculous. However... could there be more to this than your sister is letting on? Perhaps she is jealous of your life? Could she be trying and struggling to conceive/going through ivf or similar?

None of my siblings visited ds when he was 18 months and in hospital with RSV. They didn't even phone when we got out as they heard we were ok via my mum and dad.

It didn't even cross my mind to cut them off.

While they mostly did buy ds birthday and Christmas presents, one dbro didn't as he is just not into babies and present buying. Again it didn't cross my mind to cut him off. Some people just don't bond very closely with their nieces and nephews and that is ok.

If you just don't like your sister then don't make the effort and lower your own expectations too, no need for the drama of "cutting off", that makes it sound like your relationship issues are 50/50.

Stop putting your poor mum in the middle too.

When a child is in hospital, especially a tiny one like a toddler, the purpose of the visit is to support the parent. You basically don't sleep at all for days on end when you're the co-resident parent on the ward. It's awful. They need a break, food, a chance to shower etc. The nursing staff can't do any of this for you. So I think the OP is right to be miffed if her sister doesn't work and is local enough to have supported her. But clearly she's never going to be that kind of sister

I am sorry your baby was ill and I am glad they are now better. It must have been very worrying if he ended up in ICU.

As your partner and mum were with you, I can't see what would have been gained from your sister coming and surely there would have been a limit to the number of visitors. Any more and you'd have been verging into The Boswell's territory.

Like other posters I think there's probably more going in with your sister than you know. Regardless, she is the sister you have and you can't ylturn her into the sister you want. Accept who she is and swerve any drama. Life is too short for drama and petty resentments and your ds's illness should have put that into perspective.

I hope his recovery is swift.

Life gets a fuck of a lot less stressful when you stop expecting people to be who you want them to be/stop trying to make people be who you want them to be.

Accept her for who and how she is, or stop bothering with her.

I think you're two extreme ends of a scale though - you want all the drama, bells and whistles, hand wringing and wailing... she's the other end, can't see the point, has no clue why any of that is important or a thing anyone would do, can't see why blethering on about her builders (which are stressful but not what most people would think an equal stress compared to a very ill child) is inappropriate.

Ultimately, trying to force her into the person shaped box you want her to fit into is only doing you harm.. so give it up.

Your sister is ridiculous for being all dramatic about a toilet when someone in the family was /had just been, seriously ill.

But equally I find it mind boggling you thought more visitors would be helpful while he was so unwell. Your partner plus your mum was ample. Hopefully you each took it in turns to actually be in ICU so as not to crowd the place.

Finally I am so sorry for what you have been through I have been there and it is deeply traumatic. I would really recommend getting some counselling if you can, it's a huge amount of trauma to process

She didn’t need to visit your baby in hospital. Paeds wards don’t need extended family bringing in bugs and taking up space. That is a job for parents.
She did however need to send supportive messages and stop being self obsessed.

This.

Just because your sisters doesn’t mean she has to come into hospital to see your son or send him Christmas presents. My aunt who lives a similar distance away to your sister would no way have come to see me in hospital. I’m not sure she ever bought me a Christmas present either.

I would gp low contact and stop getting her gifts or expecting her to care. If she asks why no gifts I'd tell her if she isn't willing to make the effort to see your son I'm hospital or show the self awareness to not whine about her building project giving wrong when uour son almost died then you're planning to match her level of thought and effort. Uou could tell her in advance you plan to stop exchanging gifts so if eg it is Christmas she hasn't gotten you something. I say gifts because this is the kind of thing self centred people notice more.

I agree with others uou should reframe your expectations of your sister which should make interacting easier but I don't agree you should have to put up with her if you don't want to. No need for permanent decisions at this point, reduce contact significantly and see how you feel. If you find it is much better when you don't speak to her then that might be your way forward.

But surely the issue is less tye visiting and more that she cared about her fucking toilet more than she did about her possibly dying nephew and her sister?

Not unreasonable, but when he was in PICU, there isn't really space for loads of visitors. 3 is more than enough.

If you sister has no relationship and is not close with your son then it would be odd to visit. Especially given the distance. Grandparents are different.
My brother lives 1.5 hrs away and we are close and I wouldn't even expect him to visit me in hospital in that circumstance. Maybe phone and definitely text to see how i was doing.

Your sister doesn't seem like she's coping. Is something else going on or is she melodramatic all the time? It seems odd to go NC for this but we don't know your backstory here.
Definitely you can be LC, if she doesn't seem to care about you and your DS much

She sounds uninterested in your child and quite self-centred.

I wouldn’t mind about not visiting in hospital. These days I don’t think hospitals are really set up for lots of visitors and if someone is really ill it’s not appropriate for endless relatives to be trooping in and out. I feel this was more a thing of the past, where patients could spend time in hospital recuperating and be well enough for visitors. Now if you are well enough for visitors they send you home.