My sister didn’t visit my son in hospital

[PipsW]

There is a lot of negative history with my sister and as you can imagine it’s layered with incidents, but now I’m pregnant with my second baby, I feel I need to cut her off with this story being the catalyst…

My 16 month old son caught RSV which developed into pneumonia and doctors believe the start of sepsis. His temperature dropped to 33 degrees and we rushed him into hospital where he was admitted to ICU. I can’t even begin to describe the absolute fear and worry we experienced. We can’t thank the doctors enough and he was discharged 5 days later.

During this time, I kept my parents informed and they updated my sister. All of them live an hour and a half away by car from the hospital. My Mum drove up the day after he was admitted and spent the whole duration with us. My sister (who doesn’t work) said she can’t come because she’s busy with her downstairs cloakroom toilet renovation and her pets were stressed with the builders. Her husband works from home, but was also stressed with his job.

Understandably, at the time, I didn’t have the emotionally capacity nor energy to even debate or discuss it, that was the choice she wanted to make based on her circumstances. I’ve renovated houses and I understand it can be stressful.

By the time we get home, we are all exhausted. My sister calls my Mum and it’s on loudspeaker, she asks how we all are and my Mum replies “it’s been a really scary time, we are shattered but he’s doing well and we are glad to be home” … my sister starts crying immediately, can’t catch her breath tears. In that moment, I feel bad for her, like bless, she’s sad she didn’t make the hospital and was worried. I asked her empathetically “aww why are you crying?” And through her choked up voice, she says: “it’s the builders… they’re messing up my toilet renovation!”

I literally looked at My Mum (she defends my sister a lot) with eyes to say, seriously? Wtf?

To put into context, this is my sister who didn’t even send my son a Christmas gift on his first Christmas. Her excuse was she was busy with her kitchen renovation. I once sent her a video of my son’s firsts steps and all she commented on was my cat sat in the background, saying she looked fluffy. In general, she just doesn’t make effort.

I did confront her with all the above to which she laughed it all off, there was no acknowledgment, no self awareness and certainly no apology. Truth is, I just don’t think she cares.

So, AIBU to cut her off?
What would you do?

Do you think she is jealous of the fact you have a child? Is that something she wants for herself? I’m trying to understand her almost aggressive lack of interest or sympathy.

Her lack of interest is odd. She did not necessarily have to visit as renovations can be difficult and supervision is needed. However, she could have shown her concern by regular calls or texts, and had a sympathetic word with you when you got home. For me that is basic social skills that you would do for a friend. I can see why you felt let down, although it is probably not worth cutting her out. You are no doubt extremely upset still about your child and quite traumatised by what could have happened. That will be making you even more angry. You must be exhausted. I hope you are okay.

I have not read all the posts here but MN tends to be somewhere where people automatically disagree with the OP and apparently there should be no expectations whatsoever of family members.

I wouldn’t dream if visiting someone in hospital, but your sister could have been more compassionate.

There is a lot of negative history with my sister and as you can imagine it’s layered with incidents You also say your mum defends your sister a lot.

It’s possible that this all goes very deep. You and your sister don’t get on. She might be struggling with all sorts of feelings about the family and her place in it. If you want to have her in your life, row back, and then row back some more, and try to start a proper conversation about what’s going on.

I say this as someone who is permanently estranged from my only sibling. It will o may get worse if you don’t address it.

Does your sister have fertility issues/want to start a family but is unable to?

You both sound totally self absorbed.
Shes not particularly bothered about your child. You seem to think she should be. Stop expecting people to care about the things you care about, as much as you do.

Self-absorbed? To expect your sibling to care that your child is in ICU? Do you always have very low standards for behaviour?

Do you think a child is just a ‘thing you care about’? Lol.

To be honest I think you both sound self centred. your son isn't the centre of your sisters world anymore than her renovation is yourr.

There is no need to be dramatic and cut her off but just accept no one else is genuinely interested in your child's first steps other than maybe grandparents. To be honest you will realise when you have your next child that it isn't even interesting to you on child no 2 other than whether thry are faster than the first. So focus on enjoying these moments

As for your son being in hospital she stayed up to date, that's enough, really for a child that was recovering and responding well to treatment I'm sure feeling ill himself he wasn't desperate to have people around his bed either.

I think you both need to grow up a bit.

Not every issue in a family has to become an EastEnders tribute. Not every life crises needs an audience
Patients in intensive care are usually limited to 2 (close) family visitors. But the pt is usually unconscious, so it matters not.
Visiting also v tiring for an ill pt, and having lots of visitors is disruptive for other pts
Ok, your sister may not be as interested or invested in your child as you. She shouldn't be, that would be daft. I too have been in tears over builders, but agree she was a little insensitive
However, to threaten NC is plain silly unless you really are confident that all her behaviours over the years warrant this, rather than this one oncident where you were just very scared and upset about your child, and her behaviour didn't help

A ‘zoo attraction’?

People on MN think in such strange ways! MN makes me appreciate my friends and family so much.

You've already lowered your expectations.

That the best thing to do in this situation.

So stop sending her stuff about your child but also stop asking her about her renovations and if she tells you just say "that's nice" and move on.

There are many more topics of conversation to have.

The whole point of family is that they're there for you in crisis even if you don't have much in common day to day. OP's baby was in intensive care, and her sister didn't give her any support at all. I don't think it's melodramatic to be angry and disappointed about that

I can totally understand hoot hurt and disappointment that your sister seemingly doesn't care about your child. I think though your upset is causing you to over-inflate things. There was no need for your sister to come to hospital. Your son didn't need her, and you had your mum for support. Extra people just get in the way in a hospital. Don't cut her off, her crimes to do warrant the impact on your mum. Just lower your expectations. I wonder what her situation is? Does she have reason to find you being a mother difficult?

Glad your son is better.

I’ve never visited my brother’s children in hospital, and more than he visited mine.

Its usually just parents and grandparents.🤷‍♀️

Based on this story I wouldn't cut contact and I have cut contact with people in my life. I have cut off a childhood friend who was trying to get me to join a cult and got aggressive when I said no. I have also cut off people who repeatedly made plans with me and then didn't show up. I have also cut off family members when they were constantly trying to drag me into their fights and feuds with others or who were trying to pick fights with me when I wouldn't do what they wanted me to do.

But someone not caring about someone I care about? That would only mean I'd invest less in the relationship and I would simply match their energy. You don't cut people off to punish them. You only cut them off if being in contact with them harms you.

She sounds a pain in the backside, but I don't see why you would have expected her to visit her nephew. When my DS was in hospital at age 2 it never once occurred to me that my siblings should visit him.

Why on earth would anyone apart from the main cater of a child visit the hospital fgs? It’s not a day out!

Not everyone is interested in kids OP. It is sad that your sister won’t make an effort for your child, but you have to accept that not everybody thinks children are the be all and end all.

I wouldn’t intrude and visit a very sick kid in hospital if I knew the parents were at the bedside.

I wouldn't be visiting a 16 month old child in hospital either! Even if I only lived 10 minutes away. They're not going to know or care whether their auntie visited them.

If they had nobody else I might, and if they were older and alone I definitely would it it was possible, but they weren't alone.

I really can't be doing with people who assume that their children should be as important to other people as they are to themselves.

All sounds like too much drama all round. Feel a bit sorry for your mother.

I would not visit a sick child in hospital that wasnt my own or a grandchild.

I'm glad your bairns feeling better. You know what your sisters like, you probably need to manage your expectations. You don't have to something as so dramatic as cut her off but you don't have to have a meaningful relationship with her either.

Another one who wouldn't visit or be particularly interested. Hospital when it's a small child is only suitable for children and parents, anyone else is in the way of medical staff. I wouldn't have visited a grandchild either. that's weird, overstepping behaviour, imo
I would be happy your child is ok, but that would be about it.
You can't change other people's reactions, only yours. It sounds like your sister wouldn't notice if you cut contact. Cutting nose off to spite face springs to mind, particularly if your mother defends your sister.
Keep yourself to yourself. Your sister isn't interested in your child, so take the hint. Expect little, anything, then is a bonus.

Hi OP, sorry to hear your little one was unwell, and I’m glad to hear he is feeling better.
i think YABU about your sister. Her life doesn’t revolve around your child. There wasn’t any real need for her to visit your son in hospital- she was getting regular updates which is enough. As for the phone call- it sounds like she asked how you all were first? Your son had recovered. She’s allowed to express her own stress about the things going on in her life. She matters too! Her home is important to her and renovations are incredibly stressful. It would have been different if she had done that while your son was still v unwell in ICU, but since he was recovered and you were all home, I can’t see how she did anything wrong at all tbh.

It's irresponsible to have loads of people visiting sick children in hospital. I'm extremely dubious that the hospital would have allowed this. They certainly didn't when my 4-year-old child was in HDU following emergency surgery after pneumonia and I certainly wouldn't have wanted them to.

Whether your sister cares about your children is debatable, but thank goodness she has the common sense not to be potentially spreading infection unnecessarily. Having a child in hospital is a stressful time and you do need support but you had your husband and mother. Surely your child's health is more important than your need for your sister to prove she cares?

I don’t think I’d visit my niece in hospital if she was there for a few days, particularly if she had her parents and grandparents there and was very poorly.

Way too much drama. She’s wrapped up in her own shit so just expect less of her - you don’t have a close relationship and she isn’t ever going to be a doting aunty so don’t expect it. The flip side is she can’t expect you to care about her stuff.

She has formed and your parents have form for excusing her.
She hasn't children and has zero interest in yours.
You have your own family and have been through a very stressful time.
Save your energy for the important things, which really isn't this.
She is who she is, let her be.
Get on with your own life.
Accept her, make no futher effort, reflect her effort towards you back exactly, and move on.

Not everyone dotes on children. I would have expected a bit of support as a mum but not visiting the hospital. This is all a bit over dramatic. You don’t have to have a close relationship with your sister if you don’t want one. She probably cannot live up to your expectations anyway so it might be better for everyone.

My DM was always expecting us to be close but different personalities don’t always gel. As we’ve aged we have completely changed and I rarely speak on them. There’s little need as they rarely visited our aging mum. One didn’t visit for 6 years. I don’t miss them and they did absolutely nothing when DM died. Nothing. So sisters don’t have to care about anyone.