To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I think he sounds like a wonderful young man. If he were my son (I have two) I would be proud of him, not embarrassed.

If he isn't academic and struggled through his education why on earth would you want to nudge him back into a situation that would make him so miserable?

Not everybody is academically gifted.

Be proud that you raised what sounds like a truly decent young man.

Are we really at the stage of congratulating a nineteen year old for not abandoning the longterm girlfriend he impregnated?

I don't think my two dds expected to become disabled in their early teens and not have the life they and we thought would have, but that's how life goes.

My familiy is similar -everyone went to uni. DB failed his GCSEs twice. Left school and got a job in a supermarket. He then
Got a low level admin job in a big tech company. Eventually he decided to go to 6th form college and do BTECs. Then he got into a good uni .

Having said that, your DS sounds very happy, which is what matters most. Maybe he'll be like my brother and take a circuitous route.

I haven't seen my drug addict son for years OP, care to swap?

Most people just want their kids to be happy and healthy don’t they?

You are basing a successful life on money and education. Whilst those things can make some peoples lives easier, they do not always bring happiness.

Many people strive just to be happy and loved and your son seems to have found both of those things. You should be bursting with pride at the man he has become.

Do not belittle or judge his achievements. They are just as important to him as an education is to you.

This!
You will have friends who are deeply envious as they get older because they worry their child won’t ever meet someone to marry or to have a child.

Revel in his seeming contentment, don’t wish for something else which may not even have been a better possibility but sounds like never was a reality anyway.

He sounds really responsible and already knows what brings him contentment, I’m quite envious tbh! He also still has his whole life ahead of him anyway, he won’t even be 40 when his kid is an adult!

i would much rather my sons grow up to be amazing fathers who are around for their children like your son is then have a degree and never around for their child

Hi op. I just wanted to add that your son’s life hasn’t “turned out” yet so it is too soon to tell! 😀

The entire parenting arc is a marathon not a sprint. Who knows where he will end up with his excellent work ethic? And his confidence in going against the grain? There are all sorts of intelligence in this world, not just the academic variety.

And he is ahead of so many young people I know currently, including one of my dd’s, who went through lock down at school and are now at university, but a bit disaffected and not really applying themselves, and are far too welded to their computers rather than attending lectures and meeting friends in rl.

Your ds on the other hand has had the bravery and maturity to take on a huge amount of responsibility and commitment at a very early age and has time to really build a good life for himself. All sorts of lifelong learning is available for when/if he is ready to pursue it and there is more than one way to skin a cat!

He isn't academic but he's happy, healthy and hardworking. He's a good partner and father who adores his child and hopes for another one. It shouldn't matter that his life is not following the same path as yours or as you envisaged for him. He is his own person. He is not you

You have a son to be proud of and a lovely grandchild.

Yes, you are right. 2nd children aren't that expensive if you are not paying extra chld care or going part time or doing all the clubs. Most of the cost is actually to ensure continued careers for parents or income drops from the existing situation. Saying they clearly can't afford a 2nd child was snidey and nasty. From what you say your son is working to ensure they can afford a 2nd child. Good on him.
It's not how his life has turned out though, is it. It's a stage in his life that has just began as an adult. There will be numerous opportunities and decisions to be made as his life does actually turn out. And in my experience the self confidence and empathy you have installed in his upbringing will stand him in good sted to make decisions that progress him through life on whatever path he wants to take.

You should be proud that you've raised a son who can clearly see what the important things in life are.

At the same time I don't blame you for worrying about his financial situation, but presumably he knows he has parents who would still be able to help him out if things went wrong, which must be a massive re-assurance for him and gives him the confidence to live the life he wants to lead.

You should be patting yourself on the back for being such a great parent!

It's fortunate for your son that's he's found someone who loves him for who he is and not what they expected him to be.

He's 21, his life hasn't turned out any particular way yet. Stop worrying what others think and focus on the things that matter.

I think you are being very honest here and quite brave to admit how you feel. People often say exam type success resulting in good jobs isn't important. None of us want to appear academic/professional snobs but you only have to look at these boards over the past couple of weeks during exam results days to see that when it comes to their own kids, deep down, many people feel very differently. The angst about grades, wanting reassessments when a point off a higher grade, wanting the 'right' sixth form or the opportunity to move on to university seems extremely widespread. As a now retired teacher of teenagers I very rarely saw/heard parents thinking . Oh well, so long as he's happy we don't care whether he takes minimum wage jobs' . Maybe we should be a bit more like that, but in my experience plenty of parents feel a bit like you if their kids don't want to pursue demanding careers.
My own grandson dropped out of A levels and as a family we all felt a bit like you feel. It's hard sometimes to accept that their choices are exactly that...their own choices ...just as we made ours. I do think their is an element in selfish family pride in your attitude as well. I'm not having a go . .I see this in my own attitude and it's hard to overcome that feeling of wanting to boast of some academic route when you hear how your friends kids are flying at this university or that professional job...but overcome it we must
As others have said ...you have a lot to be proud of in a hardworking young man in a stable relationship who is a good provider, good partner and good father.
Thank you for posting so honestly op. You've helped me analyse my own attitude to my own dgs and give me head a wobble. He is 19, not nearly as mature as your 20 year old. I hope my dgs ends up as successful as yours 💐

You have every right to feel the way you do. You dreamed of something different, you are OK.

He sounds wonderful.

Life is long, he can study at some point if he wants to, but University isn't what is used to be and is definitely not as aspirational as it used to be either.

Good for him for doing what makes him happy and being a good partner and a good father, you should be very proud.

How many times do people come on here and say they're struggling for money? And how often is the response:"can you retrain and get a better job?"

At 18 ,I loved my pub job and the money. Would it have got me what I want in life 25 years later? No chance. And by 'want' I mean: house; holiday once a year; pension; car to get me to work; more money for treats than I grew up with.

Another reason not to have an only child.

You put all your hopes on that sole child.

He probably will get a degree at some point.

Having DCs young means you get more years as a GM. You'll see them grow up.

If all parents are over 35, all GPs will be over 70 and most won't ever see their GC grow up.

I’m so sad for your son to have such a smug, sanctimonious mother. This is so sad 😞
If you are so high achieving and academic then you wouldn’t care, you’re probably average academically but want to be perceived as incredibly academic and so slightly insecure which for you your son only highlights.
True academics and high achievers are beyond having to prove themselves

These are the important things 😊what sort of work does he do? Is there any area of that field he’s particularly keen on and could forge a career path in when he’s ready?

Tbh, I have multiple degrees and my
job may be obsolete in a decade thanks to AI - your son has probably made a wise choice the way the world of work is going! All the most financially secure people I know of of my age (mid thirties) are plumbers or decorators or gardeners - there’s always work! Some of them are fiercely intelligent, curious people with a wide range of interests - they just happen to prefer creating things to doing exams or sitting behind a desk. Equally, I know plenty of academics and people in ‘professional’ jobs who have zero curiosity about the world or passion for life and are dull as shit 😂 they just happen to be good at passing exams.

There’s more than one way to have a fulfilling and intellectually stimulating life.

@NuffSaidSam said "Sounds like he's got a life that makes him really happy. Are you actually a bit disappointed in how your life has turned out?"

Please can you point out the baseless insults that have been flung?

I genuinely don't see any.

That's so sad x