To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I would honestly be so pleased if my son was in your situation- he's taking responsibility for his life and given you a beautiful granddaughter which he's taking good care of. But I love family above everything else, so any baby would be a joy. There's more than one way to be successful in life

Thank you everyone. These responses are really helpful for me to see things from a different perspective. I should add, he does want to marry his girlfriend and is planning to propose on her birthday in 2 months. He's been saving for a ring.

He sounds like a lovely lad with great values and a happy home life. Please don't rain on his parade. Be proud of him! He will sense your disappointment in him, which is a dreadful shame. Focus on all the great things he is doing and praise him for them.

The way you're carrying on anyone would think he was a drug addict doing time.

It sounds as though he is hardworking and happy. What do you wish he was studying? You say he hated school and struggled educationally, so it doesn't sound as though studying is right for him. He probably will get a better job one day, because people can move up within companies without studying, but for now you should just let him get on with it. He sounds very responsible. Also, there are lots of graduates that can't find a job and are having to do low paid, low skilled jobs instead.

This is so wildly different to his own upbringing
That is probably the key statement here. Is he an only child? If not whag are his siblings like?

He sounds really happy. It’s a real gift to be content with what you have and not to constantly strive for more. Is it not the ultimate goal for your children to see them happy?
Or would you rather have a miserable Oxford graduate so you can show off to your friends?

I can kind of see where you’re coming from OP, I had similar thoughts myself, but I realised I was being unreasonable. I have a happy, well adjusted 20yo. His life path isn’t necessarily what I envisioned or encouraged but it’s his life not mine and you’ve got to have faith in your DS. Sounds like he and your new family members will be ok, just don’t make him doubt himself and his decisions is my advice.

I sometimes wish I’d had kids much younger than I did. In summary, don’t worry, it’ll be alright 👍🏼🥂

“I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc.”

OP, this is what you want. You had your chance, this is his turn now.

No evidence for what? That she's disappointed in how her life turned out? I think it's all in the OP isn't it?

She didn't dream of a son who struggled academically, she didn't dream of being a Granny when he was 19, she didn't dream of her friends all having graduates and her boy having a manual job. This isn't about his life, it's about hers.

It's not an insult to say someone is unhappy with how their life turned out, many people are upset about this. It's quite weird to look at it as an insult!

He sounds great. He's not academic, and that's fine. He works hard and has shown himself to be a kind and supportive partner. I'd be very proud.

He is an only child.

He sounds lovely!

I was a teen mum, never really finished education in a meaningful way, and worked in low paid crap jobs to get by. I'm 33 now and doing really well, healthy and happy marriage, beautiful happy child, well paid job that I love and that I worked my way up to. Life is good!

Gently, butt out. He's your son but he's an adult and making his own choices - he's 21, he's got so much time to do so much, and it sounds like he's happy and providing perfectly well for his family.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, as they say. This is his life, let him have at it in his own way!

Hmm this is the other extreme. Why is childless a bad thing? Especially in your early 20s? And single isn’t always a bad thing either tbh. Just look at the relationship boards in here, people stuck with a crap partner because they can’t afford to move out on their own as they didn’t build themselves up before starting a family and worked part time or not at all.

I lived in a small town where everyone got pregnant by 19 and they all ended up splitting up /divorcing by 30 after dragging out poorly functioning relationships and then continuing to live very limited lives. There’s a reason why “young” marriages have a way higher divorce rate.

I don’t think OPs worries are completely unfounded although at first reading it did sound a bit status seeking, seen as he seems a decent young man who is working hard, but tbh I’m more concerned for his partner.

She’s not working or studying and unmarried where is the security or future prospects for her? They’re probably making the best of a bad situation as what can they do once they have a child at that age but I don’t think it’s ideal.

OP it’s ok for him to follow his own path but it’s also Ok for you to have some concerns about his future and your grandsons future. Just don’t miss out on the good times by worrying over the other paths your son could’ve taken and celebrate him for who he is!

Being academic isn't the be-all and end-all of everything.

He seems happy. You can't put a price on that.

Maybe in due course his partner will start working once the kid(s) are in school. That will help them a lot financially.

I don’t know why you’re so disappointed he’s only 21, he is still so young and in 10 years time life could be different again. My db and his gf (now wife) got pregnant at 20 and 22 and they had a fairly similar situation. He then completed an electrian apprenticeship and subsequently an engineering degree many years later. He’s now aged 42 and earning over 100k, living in a brand new house worth over 400k and his wife works and earns well in the insurance industry. Life changes vastly over 10-15 years @JemimaPuddleduck7 just be happy for them and be there when needed that’s all we ever really need isn’t it??!!

Not everyone wants a high powered well paid career, with little home life. Maybe as a child he felt your career was more important than him and you didn't spend enough time with him and he doesn't want this for his family.

Well, let me see — acquiring some skills and/or qualifications might prevent him having to continue living paycheque to paycheque in a ‘low-paid manual job’, with a non-working partner, a toddler and considering a second child they clearly can’t afford?

I actually feel this is quite refreshing , your son has so much time to get further education if he chooses , he will still be a young man when his children become independent.
Just because he has become a dad at a young age who are we to judge he is wrong , he clearly understands the responsibility of his role.
High flying academia and the stress it brings is not for all.
Someone says 'he has made a poor personal choice' ,compared to what ?
I think you should 'gently' encourage but also 'butt out' it is his life not yours, if this was my son - i have two, and i could see he was happy with his life choices whatever those choices were then i would be proud of him.

All the qualities your son has would not be achieved through studying. You have raised a level headed, hardworking young man with a fantastic moral compass. Not everyone wants the same things and he is clearly different to you. Be proud, not embarrassed. You've done a great job of bringing up a decent human being.

He sounds happy, fulfilled, kind and hardworking. Not sure what else you could want for him?!

Maybe he wasn't impressed by the lives you and your partner have and wanted something different. He sounds happy and I'd be grateful for that.

Poor kid, he probably knows you disapprove.

YABU. It’s not what you imagined or you’re used to - but he is a) happy and b) successful.

A good job, a home with low rent and secure tenancy, a nice partner and a child at an age when he’s young enough to be a very hands on Dad.

That’s all hugely in his favour! He may yet retrain or do an access course and a degree later - he’s early 20s! He’ll probably be done with fatherhood young and will have years to pursue a career.

You should be proud. Of course most of us would hope for high fliers - but do you know what is more important? Them being happy, healthy and loved. My God, there are parents who’d kill for their DC to have just one of those gifts.

Please don’t ever let your disapproval show to your DS.

Don't you intend to help with the grandchildren? Lots of GPs pay for things such as clubs, uniforms, clothes etc if they can.

He sounds like a hardworking a d responsible young man. Well done you.
She on the other hand sounds like a freeloader who expects a man to maintain her without lifting a finger herself.