To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

You have a happy, hard working son who is a brilliant father and a good partner. To me that’s a success. You should be proud of him. Happiness is more important than money

Protect your relationship with your lovely son by respecting his choices. He won't change them on your insistence so don't spoil your relationship giving advice he won't heed. Enjoy your son, be proud of him and thankful for a lovely grandchild.

He sounds great, as a parent surely all you want is for your son to be a good person and happy which it sounds like he is.

You are so lucky op.

Why on earth are you disappointed in him? Poor kid.

Oh, maybe a life where he’s not living paycheque to paycheque, with a growing family he clearly can’t afford if things are already stretched now, with one toddler? That’s hardly over-ambition.

Exactly, not sure why you think going to uni ensures financial security OP.

I’m 32 and most of my peers with good degrees and jobs can barely afford to live with 2 incomes never mind afford a child.

Your son has cracked the code, don’t bother with any of it. Get social housing and focus on your family instead.

I want to defend my son here as although I've created this post and shared my worries, he works two jobs to provide for his family, they don't claim benefits and live within their means. They save for things they want and don't spend frivolously. This is something I do really admire about the pair of them. I feel the comment about them having a child they cannot afford is unfair, as although they are on a low income, "they get by" to quote my son. All the money they have is earnt by him and if they want another child and feel they can manage financially, that is up to them really.

Be happy that he is happy. That’s all, OP. You’re more fortunate than you think.

I get you op. My children aren't old enough yet but I think I would feel the same as you. It doesn't come from a bad place, just a place of wanting them to have an easy, successful life.

I'm almost a decade older than your son and did all the uni, masters, professional qualification stuff. None of that comes anywhere close to being a parent in terms of fulfilment. Having and supporting my DD within the context of my loving marriage is the best thing I've ever done, and makes me far happier than a career ever has.

Whilst I understand your expectations for your son weren't met, the most important thing is that he's happy, healthy and thriving. You produced a young man who is responsible, hard working and a great father. It's something to be proud of!

It isn’t, it’s about what she wanted for him.

She needs to adjust that, but it doesn’t mean she is unhappy with her own life - that is separate.

Why not? They should have child benefit at the least, and likely universal credit. It's there for good reason while kids are small.

A friend of mine has a son who sounds similar to yours.
She told me recently that, although he is very different to others in the family so she worried a lot when he was younger, she has grown to admire him for his ability to "plough his own furrow" and his contentment. She went as far as to say she thinks that contentment is something most of us could never aspire to or achieve regardless of qualifications or success.
I think you should focus on his good qualities and accept that achievements are not all related to qualifications and money. Success is different things to different people

Aw he sounds lovely and happy! I believe family and love really is the key to happiness and that makes him rich.

I did the whole academic and professional career route before having kids on my 30s. I'm now working full time and trying to juggle my young family and I'm bloody knackered. If it had worked out that way for me that way and I had met someone younger, I always think having children young is the way to go. They'll have loads more energy as parents and when he is my age (in his 30s) he will have his life back and bags of time to do what he wants to do.

I think you should be really proud of him. He's got good morals, sounds like a good person and works hard - I think that's all you could ever ask for from your kids. Don't feel embarrassed around your friends, I bet they would love their child to have a stable relationship and give them some grandchildren! :)

I can understand from your view point and I get it but actually I think universities and studies aren't actually good anymore.
Uni's are purely business putting everyone in debt, with the vast majority not able to get into their chosen job that they study for (unless your a doctor/nurse etc for obvious reasons) but anything else you seem to just bust a nut studying living in poor accommodation paying through the nose for the privilege then end up coming out and not being able to get a job of your choice and having so much debt to repay. It's insane really not what insured to be back in your day I would imagine.

I actually would feel so proud of him, going outside the box, not forcing himself to study and go down a road he knows will make him miserable. He's found a girl he loves and vested a daughter and is looking after them both, that is so lovely and wonderful admin what a man! All that at such a young age! Wow! Not many young males are that responsible or mature or ever are 🤣

I hope he goes down the road of being able to gain a trade qualification such as
A plumber electrician or something like that where he can earn a decent wage and work smarter he can gain a great job by being hands on and not doing much study.

I do think the gf should think about work at some point though to help support him as he does her for their child jointly. Maybe not yet if they want another bit definitely by the time both are starting school she should.

He sounds above all else happy which again in this day and age is hard to find! Ppl want more and more all the time they don't stop to see what's in front of them. It's so re testing to what this he seems to know at he wants and has done for it. Well done him I'm proud of him.

I do understands your thoughts and feelings but I think from others views you'll soon realsie how lucky you are to have such a wonderful son, don't worry about studies or what others think he's happy ask yourself are your friends kids as happy? Will they be after their studies? Who knows? But your son is so you will be too 🙂

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet.

Beautiful simple (to read) book that has a profound philosophy on many subjects.

I'm sorry - but understand - OP that it's not what you would have envisaged for your son in life, but he sounds very grounded and a great person.

Be thankful he hasn't gone off the rails as so many do.

Your son sounds absolutely lovely. You should be proud of him for being a good partner and responsible father.

If he is making enough to support his family, he's doing great. He's young and if he wishes to push for a more lucrative career in the future he has plenty of time to do so. If they have 2 kids young, by the time they are 30 they will be 8 or 9 and he will have more flexibility to work on his career. Or he may be content as he is, and if so, since he is not dependent on you and is taking care of his family, that's still a success story in my book.

Of course her life isn't separate to her sons, they're linked and always will be. She wouldn't feel embarrassment for his happy life if it didn't impact her feelings about her own life. It's right there in the OP.

Marriage is a joint decision. It's not 1950.

OP, since you are high achieving, I presume your son, being your only child, will come into a significant inheritance. You have already provided him with a safety net.

I understand the concern that he is not fulfilling his potential. I would kill for my dd who has SEN to have his life. Your ds seems so happy and content which ultimately is what you want for your kids.

I do think this plays a part. He was in nursery as a young baby, then breakfast club/after school club. He was always quite vocal about how he hated it and although as an adult he now understands it is because we were providing for him, he does say he doesn't want this for his child.

He has different priorities and interests than his parents, and that isn't a problem unless you make it one.
Respectively op it's his life to lead, and perhaps he doesn't appreciate the way you and his father lead your lives.

He sounds like a conciencious, hard-working young man, there's lots of new graduates that have the morals and ethics of low-level criminals and plenty more that have turned into basket cases due to stress and anxiety.

You should be proud of him.

It sounds like he has stepped up in his role of partner and dad. Why would he chose more study if he struggles educationally. He can still progress at work. No matter what age he is he can retrain. The more you nag the more you could push him away. I think it’s best not to compare him to others.

I can understand where you are coming from, but maybe this is just our internalized snobbery. He is happy, they are happy. You said yourself he isn’t academic, so isn’t it better to leave him be. He might decide to progress later. So many ‘high achievers’ end up trapped in jobs they don’t really like and are also stressed. You want to feel better about what he does but it sounds like he feels fine .

10 years ago, I would have felt like you. Then DD made a friend at nursery whose mum was only 23 and this was her DC2 and she was pregnant with DC3. We've never particularly become friends but I have to say she is one of the mums I admire most and it made me completely re-think some of my views.
I think it would have been a disaster if I'd had my DC that early but I envy them their closeness in age, particularly now her DC are teens & tweens, and the bags of energy she seems to have compared to me.

You can never quite tell what is going to happen, but if I'd have gone to uni, and done everything in the "right" way, I'd have achieved nothing by the time a chronic illness kicked in.

I'm in my 40s, content, and in a happy marriage, with no regrets.

What I'm trying to say is trust your son. Revel in being a young Grandma. Enjoy him being happy and content.

It may not be what you'd have imagined, but having his family young gives him breathing space that others don't have, and he can be there for his children in ways that he may not be able to do if he waited until 30 or 40 to start his family.