To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

You’re getting a roasting on here OP. You’re just being honest and I totally understand. I would be the same deep down.

BUT he sounds fricking awesome! And actually it takes guts to follow your own path the way that he has gone. He’s surrounded by high achievers and yet he’s confidently chosen what makes him happy.

I think you need to turn this on its head. Think of all the things that make you proud of him. Focus on those. Please don’t let him or his partner feel your disappointment.

Bear with me on this…

Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.
"Maybe," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.
“Maybe," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
"Maybe," answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
"Maybe," said the farmer.

I get it.

I grew up with my parents 'getting by'. It was shit.

I've worked my arse off so that we don't have to just get by. I'd be frustrated if dh chose that as his life and to be honest, I'd be pissed off if he or dd ended up being the sole financial support in the family. I'm academic; dh isn't, so I'm not arsed about the kids being academic, but I don't see why you'd deliberately make your life harder.

…family, love, fatherhood, happiness.

Yeah, all poor decisions. Hopefully a degree in economics will turn him around.

i dropped out of university and made a very successful life, and had three kids along the way.

All of those kids decided against university - one of them was accepted by all five she applied for - but all of them are building happy lives.

Formal education is a great choice for many. But deciding against it is a great choice for many too.

I can understand your point of view. He hasn't excelled academically but look at where he is excelling, he's a good father and a good man. Given the number of men who are absent from their children's lives you should be proud. Your granddaughter is loved and has what she needs. You've raised a good, responsible man.

He’s happy. That’s a good start.

He sounds like a fantastic young man who was clever enough to realise that University wasn't for him, and he has made a different life for himself.

You should be proud of him.

Why should he marry his girlfriend? If she wants security she could get a job. Presumably they’ll get married if and when they want to.

I admire good parents. It’s the hardest job in the world and not everyone can or should do it, let alone do- by your own account- an excellent job.

We all have our own purposes in life and things that make us happy or unhappy.
Wishing he lived his life the way you wanted is to say you want him to be unhappy in life. If he struggles academically then university would’ve been excruciatingly miserable for him and it’s unlikely he’d have made it through. Would you prefer he spent his life feeling like he’s a failure because he’d dropped out or was living a life that he’s just not good at?

Not everyone can be a high earner, and manual jobs are just as important as many well paid jobs.

He’s had the courage to go against the grain and live a life that’s true to himself. He sounds like he’s living a good life.

OP, I think your son sounds like a lovely young man. He is hard working, reliable, supports his family, and provides for them. He has stepped up and taken a second job, is “holding his own” financially and is planning to marry a woman he loves. This is not something to feel disappointed about, your son has become a wonderful young man.

The world would be a better place with more men like him. There’s more to life than expensive holidays and having a degree. If he is happy I would thank my lucky stars and be proud of my son’s accomplishments

He works, he has a partner and child, they have created a home and they’re happy enough to be thinking of a second child, he’s a good dad. It sounds a life filled with meaning and I don’t think that’s true of many people his age.

It mightn’t be the life you want but perhaps it is your measure of success that is disappointing.

I think if you want to 'support' him, rather than lament his lack of academic career, you could help fund him in getting a good trade. He sounds very conscientious and hardworking and would probably do very well running his own business in a trade of his liking.

There are more than enough boffins around.

As a mother who's 24 year old son struggles deeply with his MH, I find this post a bit sad. I'd love my son who has no friends never mind a partner, to have this sort of happiness in his life. Ive realised I don't give a damn what job he does, human connections and true happiness are what really count.
I hope you manage to see past you predjudices and just enjoy your sons happiness.

human connections and true happiness are what really count.

Hallelujah.

What poor personal decisions has he made exactly. He is in a stable 7 year relationship, has a loved child and and us planning to gave more loved children, has housed himself and his family, works hard to provide, is liked by people around him and accepts the life his partner wants.
They might not be your choices but they are not poor life decisions.

He is happy and healthy, and quite honestly sounds like a wonderful person. Isn’t this all we want for our children?

So he’s happy, likes his job, provides for his daughter? What’s the issue…not read the drip feed as I assume that’s just trying to justify why he’s the issue and not you.

Poor personal choices.?? In your opinion/world not necessarily in everyone's- certainly not his it would seem. He sounds like a man to be proud of....and you sound like a super snoot being embarrassed that he didn't go to the hallowed halls of Uni...what a joke...the world doesn't revolve around Uni oiks.
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You have nothing to be ashamed of. During the 3 years that your friends’ children have been accumulating debt for degrees that likely have no real-world relevance, he has been acquiring all the skills associated with being an adult in his chosen field of work. If you talking to him about his manual work, you might be surprised by how much he knows about his industry. Maybe once day he’ll set up his own business and employ other people to do what he does now. For now, you just tell your friends that he’s really enjoying his work and you are enjoying being a grandmother.

He also now has a life partner and a beautiful daughter and they feel secure enough in their relationship to have another child. I’d encourage them to get married - even offer to help pay for it, as they have your granddaughter to pay for. But that’s me.

Your son is mentally healthy, has friends, works hard, is a good father. Be glad of that. Some young people at university are stressed, depressed, self harming, in debt. I know some will have great careers and more material success but be glad he doesn’t have major problems like addiction or mental illness. The answer to your question is that you should but out. If he wants to improve his job prospects he will. Also stop competing with other people and worrying what they think, it won’t make you happy.

Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally.

Why? You do realise everyone is different and we all have different strengths, weaknesses, interests etc.?

He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work.

And?…. Is there really anything wrong with this? Young people fresh out of secondary school/college almost always end up in low paid work. Y’know, due to experience!

and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely

Hmmm. Now this is where it seems to get snobby. I ignored the “manual work” comment, but you’re basically saying a HA property is beneath your family?

DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by".

Most people in the UK are doing exactly that. Hate to break it to you.

His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to

Because they have a TODDLER! If she goes to work who will look after the child? Do you not realise how much childcare costs?

Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out

You absolutely butt the fuck out!

You’ve raised him well enough to pull his socks up and live independently to support his partner and young child. Why on earth would you be embarrassed by that?

Get a reality check!!

So your son has gainful employment, works hard, has a partner/child he loves, a family he provides for and his own place to live. I’m struggling to see the issue other than that he’s not an academic like you expected? But he is happy, and secure.

Also, who cares if his partner is a stay at home mum and if this is different to his own upbringing. He doesn’t need to have a partner who wants the same things as his mother does. Different people value different things. He’s his own person, not an extension of you.

If you feel embarrassed, this is your problem to manage, not encourage him to take a different life path from one he’s clearly very happy with so you can have something to boast to your friends about. Honestly!

When you read on here how many fathers abandon their families, don’t want to support their children financially etc then your son has great ethics.
If he had gone into higher education he could be stressed, unhappy and/or ill. What’s the point in that? He’s happy , he’s hard working and he sounds to me very conscientious—I’d be bloody proud of him.

This is interesting. As much as you are judging him for his choices, maybe he is judging you for yours?
Which should tell you that everyone generally does the best they can and just because his way looks different doesn’t make it better or worse.

Your son sounds fab to be honest