To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

He just isn't an academic person, and isn't interested; going to university would be a foolish waste of time and money.

In your shoes, I would just enjoy the lovely grandchildren.

There's nothing wrong with a manual job or the HA property. Your son works two jobs to support his family while his girlfriend looks after their child, and he's happy. YABU.

Oh god!!!! Really!!!! Well some people don’t have the luxury of being able to having lots of kids.
it’s not about being a single kid it’s about the parenting.

Or you could have an only child and accept it's their life to live?

Of my four kids, the least academic is the one who has her life sorted. Got a bf, a great job, buying her own house. Happy, confident, very popular. I don't give a toss that she didn't go to uni like the rest of us - if anything, she's probably better off for avoiding it.

I'm more sad for you to have posted such a nasty post.

I have a DS a year younger and being honest, I'd have been disappointed too if he had taken this path. We're also an academic family.

At the same time, I've realised that academia isn't the be-all to end all. @JemimaPuddleduck7 I would be encouraging your DS to take on a trade apprenticeship. If he does, he will probably way outearn his more academic peers, and will have way more independence and autonomy in his professional life.

He has also resolutely rejected your way of life, which I can see would feel hurtful because maybe he's saying he would have preferred a different upbringing?
Honestly if you can't have the imagination that there's more than one way to have a 'good life' your education was quite limited.

You need to start bragging about your wonderful DLaw to be and your wonderful GC(s) because it's very possible your friends may not get GC (falling birth rate many of that generation choosing not to have children and to have dogs/cats instead etc etc) if they do get GC they might not be young enough to enjoy them!

So count your blessings and enjoy your family.

You are massively projecting. Nothing in the OP's posts suggests any of the things you have accused OP of.

You want to get that chip on your shoulder checked out.

He sounds like my son, who is adopted and has special needs. In my family, we have Oxbridge + 3 university professors. Personally, I love that we have a “tradie” type (as they are called here in Australia).

My son is just not interested in school, though I have got him to stay on through 6th form equivalent doing more hands on subjects. He excels in creative stuff and has made furniture as part of his studies.
At home, he can fix stuff and is a great cook. He is very particular and detail oriented, something he has received good feedback on from his after school part time job. I am useless at fixing stuff and so is most of my family, especially my brother who is the ultimate scatty minded professor.

I have come to the point of view that having manual talents is a great complement to academic talents within one family. All of our family love him.

I think people are getting hung up on the academic side of it, but to me, it seems op. Is more concerned about the level of responsibility he has given himself at such a young age.
2 jobs? Seriously, how many of us would be happy doing 2 jobs, just so that we're 'paycheck to paycheck'. I know this is reality for many, but would you actively choose it.

With respect your idea of what is best is at the bottom of my list of wants.
In my opinion he has less stress, more time, grandchild has security and being raised by a mum whose job is parenting and looking after her children.
Whose to say grandchild will want clubs or holidays or whatever? In my experience the happiest people tend to be poor, making their own fun while camping or caravan holidays, making up games and spending time rather than money on their kids.
He's happy and that's all I'll ever want for my kids.

I understand that you wanted a different life for your ds, but he really sounds like he is doing ok.
My parents were married at 18, children early and poorly paid jobs, then in his mid 30’s my dad went to college and trained to be a teacher.
If your ds is happy, then his children will hopefully be happy too. Do you have any spare money for your grandchildren’s clubs later on down the line? Perhaps as a birthday gift?

We all want our children to be happy and content but we also have the benefit of life experience and we generally know that it is harder to be happy with financial stress and low income. Obviously, not impossible. It's just that we know opportunities and experiences can be limited by low income as we've seen it in life. So it's reasonable to be concerned about earning capacity of our children. But at 21 there will be plenty of chances to progress that aren't tided to academic success. Being likable and hard working and responsible and in strong health is a good start at 21.

He sounds like he’s responsible and taking care of business. He’s fine.
he’ll have grown kids before he’s 40 and will have his second wind.
He’ll just do it in a different order and that’s fine.

I know plenty of people who are uni educated to the hilts, but in debt and wondering why they ever bothered. My plumber however is FLYING HIS WIFE TO FRANCE for the b/h weekend. I’m not sure if he owns the plane, but is certainly flying it. So… I think you need to adjust your view on what success looks like.

It sounds to me like he's achieved a lot already! He's only 21 so he has decades to study more and work his way up. Lots of people in their 20s live at home and don't do much.

I say this as a single mum in my mid 30s living with my parents after losing my job and my partner leaving me while pregnant.

I have a degree and speak several languages fluently and had a good career and savings, but I look at the fact that your son has already has such a successful relationship and created a happy family and think that's way more valuable. Sounds like he had his values in the right place. Not everything has to come in the 'right order' to be right.

Weird that he thinks a mother ‘should be at home’ but if you’ve not modelled that it’s not your fault. Sometimes people just aren’t what we are expect them to be but if he’s happy then I guess you should be. Although I get it

I was FT at uni (9-5 plus study/project work) with an evening/weekend job which I did FT in the hols at that age to pay for travel when I did book time off.
Plus I had a BF, I partied, I lived in a house share & managed shared cooking/cleaning duties and having a laugh together.
Got a 1st (Hons) so uni work didn't suffer.

It's a piece of piss when you're young and healthy.
Wish I had that energy and enthusiasm nowadays!

I think you should be happy.
Younger son, estranged from family, his choice high functioning Asperger’s, upsets me, he’s 33, lives alone in supported living, job too, no idea if he still has it?
Older son, 35, lives a fair way away, hardly see him or my grandson, not much contact, despite suffering with mid stage Parkinson’s myself.
its tough

If he is happy then he is doing better than a lot of people. There are many ways to live your life and his sounds pretty good.

I don't have the most perfectly conventional path but I do have degrees and a senior professional CV. I have also probably missed my chance at motherhood due to badly timed illness and heeding my mother's scaremongering about not having children too young. I really wish I had done it your son's way. Babies first, career later and had grown up kids now almost. He has a good work ethic and will figure it out.

Keep an eye on those views about a mother's place in the home. Ok to have division of labour but not ideal to leave one with no financial independence

Yes, do this.

If you want him to feel you’re disappointed in who he is and for him to be rolling his eyes at you behind your back.

Plus, because of Ai etc there's a good chance all the cushy 'safe' white collar jobs will be not quite as safe as they seem for that generation (or indeed for any of us)

I want to defend my son here as although I've created this post and shared my worries, he works two jobs to provide for his family, they don't claim benefits and live within their means. They save for things they want and don't spend

yeah but that’s not ideal. I’m a single mum who works one job, has a lot of spare time and a great income. Because I have a good job. I’m sure he’s an amazing guy but life is so so much easier with a professional job

You’re embarrassed? Your ds doesn’t exist for you to bask in reflected glory!

I agree with posters suggesting that he gets some trade qualifications if that’s where his interests lie. Would he be interested in becoming a qualified electrician or plumber (or both), for example? Those are well-paying and highly transferable trades.

As his partner is currently a SAHM, now might be a good time for her to get some qualifications as well as she’ll presumably want to enter the workforce at some point. Even if it’s years away, it’s best to be prepared just in case something happens that means they suddenly need her to work.