To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I too think OP has very legitimate concerns, low paid manual work, is very hard going physically. Without some sort of experience or qualification in the building trade, electrician, construction industry - CITB equivalent, or something, which are all very hard to get, uber competitive for young men, he will always live pay chq, and living with very little money is not nice.

Teacher here. I can say that with the best will in the world, some people simply do not fit into the education system, through no fault of their own.

Admittedly working as a labourer might be a bit tough, but the qualities of your son (work ethic, values, dedication, decency, stability) far outweigh everything else.

He might want to look at getting some qualifications in some non academic area in the future as other posters suggest. Other than that there is nothing to worry about. I would be proud of him.

As a side note you might want to check out Michael Sandel's The Tyranny of Merit. It's angled for an American audience, but it does challenge the idea of a university degree being the end all of things.

I am really struggling with this thread. I don't get what people are posting. Mostly vague platitudes that are ignoring the real issue. Little practical assistance of what to actually 'do' next.
They are saying he is a nice, caring young man. Yes. And? Great, that's good.Then people are saying, not all are suited for uni. Yes we know that, i dont think anyone was suggesting he was forced to now go to uni! Don't you think we all / the thread has moved on from these basic points now though?

A few posters have like myself said that the main point now, is the fact he is still earning a very low wage for manual labour. But if he doesn't actually address that quickly, by eg qualifying as a bricklayer, getting a qualifciation, becoming a manger of some sorts / the team, if he doesn't do SOMETHING, he will stay this way indefinitely. with 2nd child on the way.

OP has every right to be very concerned indeed. But rather than platitudes of 'oh isnt' he nice', a more practical solution fo how to help her ds get to a better earning possition, is surely the main issue now.

@Oblomov24 I agree with you. Lots of posters saying how nice he is in love and happy. Weren't we all in love and happy at 21?

But as OP hasn't posted further details, no one can offer any solutions.
I guess I am a sour old boot who doesn't believe in enduring love that conquers all and pays the bills.

Not necessarily the route to poor-outcomes but say you have the most prestigious job in town, a decent salary with le highest status but you're to living "paycheck to paycheck" and "just getting by".

You're gonna have to be willing to make some adjustments because you have a 2nd child on the way, by choice not by chance.

Now, these adjustments are going to happen whether you like them or not- your life is going to change there's no room for doubt about that.

Whatever your wage in the world, big or small- whereever you live there's no one who'd deny it's going to go a lot further funding a family of 3 (you, gf, child) rather than of 4 (you, gf, child 1, child 2)

So you've already made 2 adjustments , you've got savings and a very necessary second job but as recognised above extra costs come with having 2 children so that means you have 3 options.

Boss, can I have more hours?
1: Here's some some hours mate (these hours conflict with your 2nd job).

Mum, should I apply for a 3rd job?
2: The hours of this 3rd job don't conflict with any other job (unlikely) but you become much more fatigued leading to an injury at work which puts you on sick-pay and your family into the red.

Mum, I like my current job but should I plan to get a better job in order to provide more financial security for my children?
3: Yes. whether that's joining a new trade or going up the ladder in your old one- this will provide less chance of financial insecurity for your children and enables you to not have to work 2 jobs to get by- it also allows you to spend (relatively) more time at home compared to having 3 jobs.

This is the most-sustainable solution, its also the only long-term one.

Mum, should I carry on as normal as if nothing ever happened?
4:You can't carry on as normal, without trying to adapt to the financial circumstances of having 2 children as this will almost certainly lead your young family to financial ruin, possible homelessness and it puts a strain on your marriage

Best option seems to be option 3

This thread has become a bit of a weird pile on. It’s simply not the case that life is a binary between “lovely hardworking family men and their SAHM partners” and “miserable loveless 30-something year old freaks who went to university.” I have a very “academic” job and most of the people I know have emerged from the turmoil of their late teens / early twenties happy and stable, and those who wanted children have them. OP likely has similar experiences and that’s who she is (unfairly, but she knows this) comparing her son to, not some weird spectre of a miserable working couple from a trad Twitter account.

It’s also pretty audacious to make snitty little digs at OP for having a job (like it’s 1872!) while her children were growing up, then in the same paragraph suggest she pay for his children without acknowledging she’s in a position to do this because of that life choice, which several posters have done throughout the thread.

That said, obviously not everyone can follow the same life path and I agree that comparing OP’s son to a standard he won’t live up to and isn’t interested in will only lead to misery for all of you. He’s not doing anything bad or wrong with his life and he’s done many good things that others those age wouldn’t - he’s just not doing the kind of things middle class people view as aspirational. Give him and yourself a break, OP, and if any of your circle are judging remind yourself it would just be something else equally petty if it wasn’t this.

People have already made good suggestions about getting his working life in a direction where it won’t take such a toil, even if he’s never going to do anything “academic.” I agree the current situation isn’t ideal. If his family is important to him, he’d probably rather not be working two jobs!

This post has made me profoundly irritated.

You sound like a stupid woman to be honest.

For god sake, can’t you check your Hyacinth Bouquet’ type of aspersions?

Hes stepping up, he’s happy. You should be very proud of him.

What you should be doing is looking at you own response, you sound insecure judging him by your own shallow standards.
shame on you.

You have a lot to be proud of.
Some people dont know they are born!
Try having a child who has real problems!

Yes it’s very weird the binary nature of it.

Also the rose tinted glasses about living paycheck to pay check.

And then suggestion the OP should financially support them from money she earned from her high flying job.

I have a young relative (who happens to be adopted) who came out of school with no qualifications at all. Education was not his thing. He went into caring for young adults with behaviour and other problems (he had seen how this looks because of his sister's problems) and he was/is very good indeed at it. He has his head screwed on and a calm temperament. Long story short, in his late 20s he now manages a facility for young adults with problems. His employers could see his qualities and looked past the purely academic and were happy to give him the responsibilities. He is very happy in his work and in his life in general - he and his partner are about to have a baby. He is honest and loyal and a man to be proud of.

He will never be rich, but he has a home and a good career and a contented life. He also acts as media spokesperson for various related voluntary agencies, because they know he will talk sense.

I know these anecdotal examples are flawed and could be seen as the exception proving the rule, but it does demonstrate that qualities other than exam results are important to employers.

He probably saw how you all turned out and didn't want to follow in your footsteps. No offense.

The work hierarchy has been turned on its head. Often after years of experience in manual labour, a driven/ bright person might start their own business in their 30’s. We all know plumbers/ house building contractors that out-earn doctors and university lecturers. You might be jumping the gun re your outlook on your son’s future.
I understand about your friends and acquaintances however. Your son has been brave enough to take a different path which is surely better than dropping out of uni or graduating with a 2:2 and debt. I wish I had been brave enough to organise a starter job/ apprenticeship at 18 but I was too young and silly to head to London at that age I followed expectations, and the crowd, to uni and I am not convinced it has paid me back in terms of career progression.

@JemimaPuddleduck7

You absolutely can feel disappointed but what you can't do is let him know it.

You just have to support from the sidelines & be happy that he's happy. That's all that matters at the end of the day.

Exactly

An intelligent and productive comment hence why most of the replies below (your comment) slating OP have blatantly ignored it.

Wow he sounds very mature and sensible! He has achieved a lot already and is only 21. I'd be very proud of him if I were you.

I agree with you both. It is all very surreal

😂 no offense???

I agree that this thread has become a weird university bashing thread. Like previous prospers I don’t know anyone who bitterly regrets going to university and don’t understand why a very odd poster thinks people who went to university automatically become broke, unhappy and infertile.

I think this has triggered a lot of people and they are projecting their prejudices and insecurities into OP.

it’s okay to feel disappointed if your child doesn’t follow the life path you had envisaged for. It’s not okay to let your child see that disappointment.

it’s okay to think he it too young to have children, to wish he had taken his time to enjoy each life stage. It’s not okay to show that to him or the grandchildren.

I will be honest - I would feel the same. But I would never show it - I would support my child.

I don't think it is about bashing universities *Bellyblueboy, *but simply about asking that other routes in life be seen as equally valid, and certainly not a source of shame and embarrassment to a parent.

Horses for courses and each to his own.

‘All the 'high achieving' young people I know are in debt, in house shares, stressed, single and childless’

‘r would you rather have a miserable Oxford graduate so you can show off to your friends?’

‘He honestly sounds a dream! I have a high achiever daughter, she’s stressed, single, drinks too much and only not in debt because of an inheritance.’

‘University is in my opinion a waste of time and money. Everyone I know who went to university is in a huge amount of debt, also struggling to pay their bills every month.’

just a few examples.

dimming other people’s flame doesn’t make yours burn brighter!

Sounds like he’s doing great in parts of his life that most men don’t start to do well in until their 30s.

For what it’s worth, me and my partner are university educated professionals who live in the nicest/most expensive street in our town. We worked hard academically and in white collar jobs all our lives to get here and there is no-one else like us in the estate. It’s mainly tradesmen who have started their own businesses and their families, and they all have a lot more money than we do. There’s nothing to say your son won’t do the same and massively out-earn all of your friends’ children.

The other thing to remember is that he is young. I retrained at the age of 50, and my mother got her degree when she was 60.
He is living the life he wants to now and has his family young which leaves him free to take a different path in 10/20 years time if he wants to.

I agree with the posters saying that this thread now seems more about bashing academia than anything else.

There’s also been a persistent chorus of “but he’s happy!”, which is nice and all, but happiness is easily altered by circumstances. In a few years, with more kids, two exhausting jobs and barely enough money to “get by”, the son may be a lot less happy, and this is what worries the OP.

And while it’s great that the son is happy, I wonder if he gives any thought to how this financial instability might affect his daughter’s happiness in the future?

His life hasn't "turned out" like anything yet! He's 21, for heaven sake, not 50! The one thing we should all want for our children is for them to be happy. Is he happy? It sounds like he is. If he IS happy, then you've done a good job and his life is "turning out" just fine!

As an aside; my son left school at 16 with average grades and no academic desires. He worked manual jobs for a fair few years but always wanted to work in computing, though he couldn't get a break (he had the knowledge, but no degree and little experience. Same old, same old). 8 years ago he emigrated to Australia where they are more about knowledge, and less about paper qualifications. He's now a senior programmer and team leader at a large multinational company. Had he been your son, you would have written him off at 21!

He sounds absolutely lovely. A hard working attitude will carry him throughout life and he sounds very committed and comfortable with his life and choices. You should concentrate on how proud you are of him and love him to pieces. Everything else is irrelevant.

Posts like these get it spot on hence why they get quoted by nobody, people on here act as if the vibes of OP's mindset needs to change rather than the material reality of her son's financial situation.

More so, OP is just worried about keeping up with the bills not keeping up with the jonases.

OP's son is "just getting by" now with funding 1 child, a spouse, rent, food, bills etc, I doubt he has much if any room for disposable income (for want of a much better term) let alone that needed to fund a whole extra child.

OP is right in that her son should start IMMEDIATELY looking for a better-paid job, in order to build a more stable financial situation.

OP's heart is in the right place most of all.

There is a lot of twisted logic on this thread.

bashing OP for feeing disappointed and going on to say her son may well get a much better job in the future. So they agree what he is doing now isn’t ideal in the long term!! Things might get better so don’t be disappointed?