To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

Why did he do all that education if he was just going to work in a pub?

Sorry if I missed the post, but did she say what the manual labour is?

Could not agree more with this post. Posts bashing OP for working. What is that about? Are women not allowed to go to uni and work now?

I am pretty sure OP will end up supporting her son or GS in the future with the proceeds of her own uni education.

No, OP hasn't said what the manual labour is.

We have had very academic and busy careers and didn't have kids until our thirties. a part of me wishes we had started a family at 19.

I am so glad I didn't have kids at 19.

It isn't up to OP to 'help her ds get to a better earning position'. He's an adult and therefore able to choose his own path in life. What sort of a world are you living in where a man with a partner, a home, and a family needs his mother to organise his work? At his age I would have not appreciated my parents telling me what I should do with my life. He is 21, he may well decide to do something different in time, but whether he does or doesn't it is up to him, not his mother.

Interferring mothers are nothing but a scourge.

Meanwhile most of the recent trending posts on MN are from adults who have chosen their paths in life moaning that their parents haven't given them a house deposit or childcare or holidays.

So I don't believe that young adults sort out their own lives in 2024 tbh. Or they may do but complain later about not getting enough support from parents.

Excuse me but it's not exactly a zero-sum game.

Forgive the phrase but it's not exactly as if OP is holding a gun to anybody's head, you make it sound like she is.
Gently encouraging her son and taking an active interest in the financial security of her grandchild is not a crime, especially when another one is on the way soon.

Not even the biggest nay-sayer on here would object if in 9 months time, OP or anybody else for that matter had replied that she successfully encouraged the son to seek better-paid work and that created better financial security for 2 children (a toddler and a newborn).

There's no way you can make an unfunded attempt to have a 2nd child, there's no magic money tree or lottery ticket.
If you're "just getting by" then there's no way to magic up extra fiscal space without making changes.
Either OP's son is going to need to seek extra work or better work...

Extra work could make him more fatigued leading to a workplace injury causing financial/family breakdown.

Better-paid work will lead to being able to afford two children without financial ruin, might lead to him being able to quit his 2nd job thus enabling him to spend more time with his family (a particular ambition of his, judging by criticism of mum) and eventually it might lead to the thing people have been talking about on here...

One tradie outearning somebody who sought higher education.

I expected drink and drugs, he sounds like a lovely father and partner and there is a lot to be proud of there.

It beggars belief the "he is a 21 y/o smol bean with all the time in ze world" argument that only makes sense if he didn't have significant responsibilities.

That argument blatantly pretends as if he is like the overwhelming vast majority of 21 y/o's who have no dependents and ignores the fact he clearly isn't.

God forbid, OP's son instead of getting a better paid job- has to seek out a 3rd job and the consequence of that is he's so physically fatigued with 3 jobs that he suffers a workplace injury which puts his 2 child family on statutory sick pay.

I cannot stress this enough, that's far more harmful in real terms than OP's thoughtcrime of "slight disappointment".

When I retrained at 50 I had 3 chidlren at school/college and a sick husband - so definitely a few responsibilities there! But I did it all the same.

I'd be concerned that his girlfriend may have child after child, if that excuses HER from ever finding a job! It's all fine and dandy staying at home when the children are young, but at some point, she's going to have to pull HER weight or your poor son will become ragged, trying to do umpteen jobs to keep their heads above water!

This. Some of the replies on this thread are being deliberately obtuse IMO.

If they’re barely managing to get by on one wage with one child (and it sounds like they are only because they were lucky enough to get a HA property, probably wouldn’t be able to manage if they had to pay private rent) it’s silly to be considering another. I’d gently suggest he needs to learn a trade to increase his earning potential or she gets a job before they consider another.

He sounds like a lovely, responsible lad and that’s great, but it’s not unreasonable to worry how they’re going to manage financially if they are only just getting by now.

At least he isn't doing anything illegal, or in prison or an alcoholic not everybody's is academic im proud of all my kids two very academic the other one learning disabilities didn't even get put in for cses because the school thought they new better and she wouldn't pass any but anything practical she nails it, owns her own house and car no debt, has a good job she was a radiology assistant in a hospital she still with them 10 years plus, now a booking Clark same hospital because she has a slipped disk in her neck and it was taking its toll on her so she changed jobs

What job does he do? Can he get extra training or work extra as self-employed so he isn’t living paycheck to paycheck?. You’re his mum - just because he didn’t go to uni doesn’t mean you can’t help him improve himself.

Oh op, this was never going to go well, as you are posting to people whose life will be like your sons, or their children’s, and they will be offended you wanted more.

I think some people on this thread are being a bit disingenuous or at the very least are hardly reflective of behaviour, as opposed to talk. If people were so cool with their children taking the path the OP's son has, there would be little market for private schools, private tuition, agonising over teacher performance, school league tables etc, massive competition for university places etc. The vast majority of middle class parents aspire for their children - assuming there are no particular disabilities or challenges- to live similarly middle class lives with education, professional jobs, lots of opportunities for freedom, travel and fun in their twenties and yes, long term, a decent lifestyle and not living paycheck to paycheck. That is neither right nor wrong, it simply IS in most cases. And those are worthy aspirations which can ALSO lead to happiness, fulfilment and loving relationships.

Your son sounds a wonderful person, he works hard, he provides for his family, he's an involved dad. I'd be proud to be his mum.

Academia doesn't suit all. I have one child in uni and one that has chosen a vocational route. Both have worked their socks off to get where they are and I couldn't be prouder. If they get a job they enjoy doing and are happy in life I will be too.

I’d also be concerned and dismayed op, they have picked a hard road and they don’t know it yet, living hand to mouth, no qualifications, council house , teenage parents, one unemployed, looking at a second kid at 21. I assume claiming benefits to support them.

they are missing out on their youth, may struggle to ever get off the breadline, it’s a long hard road they have ahead of them and they don’t even know it. They are dictating rhe course of their lives, removing their own freedoms, removing their choices.

people will,post about training, stuff like that, but we all know when bills need to be paid it’s not usually an option, your son will be grafting and a low earner likely for his whole life. Your grandkids likely disadvantaged. Doesn’t mean they won’t be loved or happy, but it’s a hard life he’s chosen.

It it’s actually, offence not offense.Hope that didn’t offend you.

He sounds like a good man. Be proud.

Fwiw I went to school with a lad who worked on tarmac for 3 years after A levels. He just wasn’t interested in higher education at the time. He’s now the head of a very prestigious secondary school.
My DB failed all of his A levels. He took a job in construction planning with a day release program and is now a director of a major corporation and lives a very swanky life.
Let him find his way and understand and accept that may look different to your life. If he is happy and safe …

He's sounds like a wonderful young man. Yes he had a baby young but he's bringing that child up, he hasn't dodged his responsibilities and ran off. He's not a layabout or addicted to drugs or alcohol. You should be proud of him. There's alot of parents who in your position would feel blessed. There's parents who have lost their children young who wish they where still alive to give them grandchildren and visit them.