To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

Hey there,

I'm 32 myself, highly educated with a very good job and very high salary and still lie paycheck to paycheck because of debts or one thing and another.
I currently find myself longing for a man like your son, a family and to have children.
Your son seems to of managed what every one of your friends children is working to towards, without going to uni.
I am in the education sector, and I for one think we need to stop teaching our kids that it is the be all and end all to hold a degree. It isn't.
As a lonely woman, trust me when I say, the thing I want the most on the earth is exactly what your son has already. :( he sounds like a great kid and you did a brilliant job.

I'd be concerned that he might spend his life struggling to get by in low paid, manual jobs. Or is it the type where he can progress with training and experience? Has he looked at all trades that could eventually lead to more highly paid work?

Although I understand you wanting better for him as in a better job he sounds like a good person who is happy in his life and there is an awful Lot to be said for that at the end of the day isn't that what's important to be happy ? You can't bring money with you when you go after all and I think you DS is of that mindset and has his priorities right tbh . A good education and a snobby job are not the most important things in life some of the most miserable people I know are well educated high achievers

Glad he is happy going his own way so called bright children from families who expect seem to have terrible mental health issues

He didn't like education. Why try push him back there. Should love him for what he is. The way the works is manual workers gonna save us all when the shit hits the fan

I think his life sounds lovely. I would be so proud of him he loves his family and is working hard to provide for them and give them a lovely safe home with two parents. What is more important than that? I would butt out unless it's to tell him how proud u are of him. I've seen many academics wander through life with no real clue what to do with their endless sometimes impractical intelligence. I would be super proud of him and let him write his own story. Coming from A place where I no longer see, speak to my mum and where she is no longer part of my life or the life of her only grandchild I would think you are all doing very well from my pov and from what u have said 😊 ❤️

You mean you would nag him to death still to do what You think he should be doing. What a turn off! Leave him be, praise the good bits and the rest may well follow in time, when he wants it to.

They sound like well adjusted loving parents - if you're worried about their finances just give them what they need to enjoy their lifestyle. It sounds like you're okay for money with the emphasis you've put on your high achieving lifestyle - and you can't take it with you!

Not all children follow in their parents footsteps. He is happy, be happy for him, he has his priorities right. You've brought him up well, he has a mind of his own, be proud of him, his partner and your grandchild.

A life partner, not guaranteed at all...

He sounds great. Happy, able to make friends, not in to money or status. I work in a mental health team at a Russell group university and honestly these highly academic, successful young people are so unhappy. Under so much pressure from parents and feel like getting a good degree will make them happy but it’s their parents version of happy. Life is about finding meaning and purpose but yours, not what parents or society says. Trust me, your son will be way happier long term living the life he wants. I come across many many students who attempt suicide because they feel they have shamed their parents and their parents are embarrassed of them. Please be supportive and proud, this is best for your son’s mental health.

Aside from his comment that women ought to stay at home raising children what I’m reading is that you have a son who fell in love early, enjoys jobs that are physically demanding, works hard, already (21!) lives independently in his own home, works hard and clearly understands the value of hard work, has enjoyed the experience of being a young dad so much that he wants another child and is prepared to give his wife the space and support she needs to look after her baby.

I’m in my early 40s, also from an academic, high-achieving family, I went to university, became obsessed with my career, went to crazy countries and places in order earn more and more money. Then I realised I was childless and desperately wanted a baby. Finally had one at 40 but at the same time have a HUGE mortgage to pay whilst being the main breadwinner. Consequently I’m in a lot of debt and I won’t be having another baby because I can’t afford it (there’s no way I’d be able to take the mat leave that I’d want/need to look after two under two). All this to say that we have our own journeys. Those journeys are unique as we are and every good thing has a cost too (friends who boast about their children becoming graduate trainees in the City with impressive salaries won’t tell you or even know about the anguish, stress and numerous ways they might self medicating or pushing themselves to compete in what is a soul-crushing and toxic environment for young people). I’d be incredibly proud of a son who knew from a young age what his strengths were, focused on what made him happy and lived as an independent adult at such a young age. He has so much ahead of him — he might be financially struggling right now but he’s at the very very start of his working life, he can only really progress from here.

There is so much more to live than the treadmill of exams and uni. The system sets up so many children, who are not academic, to 'fail'. Life should not be measured with letters after your name but what you contribute to society, how kind you are etc. You have listed so many positive qualities about your son, maybe read back what you wrote and see the good man he has become. He is his own person, some people don't find their passion or interests till later in life. I say to my son, who also isn't academic, just find something you enjoy and whatever you do do it because you want to.

he is happy, healthy, satisfied what is disappointing about that?

He sounds very happy. That's all I want for my DS. Health and happiness. Financial and professional success doesn't necessarily equal happiness.

Hmm, are you sure you don't want what you want rather than your son's happiness? He seems to be hard working, knows what he wants and happy, and you have a beautiful granddaughter-what more do you want? TBH if he was a high flyer went to university and did well there is still no guarantees he would secure a much better paying job. Even if he got a good graduate job he would not be able to afford to buy a property, even if his girlfriend worked they probably wouldn't be able to afford to buy the way the price of property has soared, and in any case security of tenure on a HA property is very similar to if you have a mortgage.
As to their stance on bringing up their daughter, it's a valid point of view which many people would agree with, particularly if they could afford it-they are willing to make the sacrifice, and good for them. Maybe your DS was not as impressed with your parenting as you imagine, he very likely feels he did not see enough of you because you were working.
I would try to persuade him to save as much as possible in a tax efficient account such as a cash ISA which is not easily accessed , in case of illness injury or other calamity, he should also take out a life insurance policy, just in case.
Otherwise I think his strategy in the current economic climate is pretty intelligent.
Be ready to step up for your grandchildren in the future in case the academic gene has skipped a generation and they want to go to university.

Just bcos u think how u brought yr kids up ways perfect doesn’t mean they see it like that. He wants his kids to have their mother around looking after them.

This should be all that matters. Why are you so down on what seems to be a lovely and responsible father?

You’ve mentioned one of the most important aspects of your son, ‘he’s hard working’ he will work his way to where he wants to be. Lay off him and don’t assume his life is already fixed. He may well choose something else in the future, just don’t scupper your relationship with him due to your own expectations. You’ll regret it.

I’ve spent so long drumming into my daughter that she is not the sum of her achievements; no grades or certificates will ever make me more proud than the person she is on the inside. That is what I tell friends about, the anecdotes of how she has helped her friends, the emotional intelligence, the perseverance etc. I will add she is bloody good academically but through her own determination. Your son sounds amazing. A family man who has stepped into responsibility, who has channeled his work into supporting his family, who has worked hard to provide even working 2 jobs when needed, who knew his strengths and weaknesses early on and wasn’t swayed into doing something that wasn’t right for him. I can’t see why you wouldn’t be proud. There’ll always be things to iron out like the girlfriend not having a job but that may well change when they’re primary age and then there might be spare money for clubs etc like you worry. Also being in a HA house is fantastic stability so much better for them than random private renting. There is so much positivity in what you’ve described of your son’s situation. Just be supportive. He might find he does want to pursue a career at some point and maybe will need your help then. Just be ready to support.

I think it’s so sad that you are ‘slightly embarrassed’ by your son’s status. You have a son who sounds like a fabulous person, caring for his family. I don’t mean to sound harsh but maybe he should be slightly embarrassed about the snobbery of his family. Be proud of the wonderful son you have, they are his life choices, not yours. If your friends look down their noses at this choices, are they really your friends?

I wouldn't be so worried about not attending Uni, but I'd be worried if they weren't applying themselves in a trade or skill - if he's doing this and getting qualified as an electrician/plumber etc then I'd be confident he'll do well.

If he was just bobbing along in unskilled work I'd be worried. I suspect life in the UK is only going to get much harder for those on low wages/unskilled work/benefits, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of these jobs dry up/become automated - you see it in the US already, those on the lowest wage need 2 full time jobs to cover the bills so essentially just living to work - it's starting now in the UK pushing to normalise 10 hour days which of course progress into pushing people to 5+ day week to be able to keep up with competition for rentals etc, benefits wont be increased to keep up with prices and struggling/failing will be the norm as opposed to 'just getting by'. I've absolutely no faith that the country will ever thrive again - no strong trading relationships, compromised education, withdrawal of investment in areas that will clearly define the future economies (cancelling of GB AI research programme to save money), the move to privatise the NHS so we'll all have a massive health insurance tax to pay in addition to all the bills we have/then massive bills in addition to all of this for uncovered costs when you are sick (there's no way we'll be allowed a sensible European health system it'll be the worst of the USA system)... this country is absolutely going down the toilet and those at the bottom will suffer the most.

I think you should be proud of your son. He seems caring, loving, hard-working, content, a good father and happy in his life. I know it’s hard not to view people through the prism of your own life experience, but I encourage you to rejoice in this mature, well-balanced young man you have raised.

OP, personally l would be proud of him, unlike some academics, he’s able to stick at things and commit(some people put off enjoying their life, for a certain standard of life and end up feeling they’ve missed out)
It’s just life, not everyone is academic or wants to be.To some people having a family young, is their dream.

Well there you go.

I'd actually be really proud of him for doing things HIS way. Not just copying his parents.

Good dad, good partner, hard worker, getting by - not sure you could ask for more really.