To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

He hasn't made poor personal decisions. He's made decisions that he feels are right for HIM, not for his mother and father, not for his other family members, but for him.

Not everybody has to go down the academic route. Everybody's journey is different and some people are perfectly happy, and fulfilled, to be living a life doing the job they want to do and bringing up their family.

It's sad that you see his choices as 'poor personal decisions'.

It’s not when I’d have expected either, but he sounds like a great lad- he’s working to support his family and they’re making their own choices.
My DC are students, eldest in particular is not going to find it easy to get a job post-graduation. I was disappointed in their choice of degree, but they’re happy.
In the end you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child so with all due respect if big up the great elements of his life - settled, lovely grandchild, in a house, hard worker etc.
Fwiw my DCs are much more clever/talented than me dh, just as you can get a random ‘genius’, you can also get a random ‘average’ child of academic parents.

Such OTT responses to the OP saying she is ‘slightly disappointed’ in how her son’s life turned out, on an anonymous forum. She is being honest and trying to reflect. And being met with such venom. Pathetic.

Absolutely OTT.
The very same posters who say the son is an adult and can make his own decisions are urging the OP to help him out with a house deposit or in some other way. If he is an adult, he can sort that without the bank of mum and dad, no?

It sounds like they have the perfect relationship and family life and I hope it lasts for them, and they never feel the pressures that people with class-prejudiced expectations about success and status try to impose.

If you want to contribute something genuinely, why not offer to pay for your granddaughter to attend a club (dance, sport, whatever) so she has something additional that they can't afford, as an ongoing gift when she is old enough?

And this is was being a parent is about.

DH and I are from high achieving families. I have been do overcome by anxiety for most of my life I’ve never worked somewhere very long or high paid. We now have an autistic child and I will probably need to give up woke. He won’t achieve what we expected pre pregnancy. My life won’t be what I wanted.

I dread these posts as I worry my parents think that about me. Please, life is short. Enjoy your son and the excitement of how his life will be different to yours, albeit a happy one it seems .

I feel our job is to give them the best start in life and equip them with the tools to live independently now and after we are gone. It isn’t to dictate or expect them to achieve certain things or have particular jobs, it’s great if they do really well but their own desires and dreams are more important. It’s his life to do what he wants with. It’s tough if you don’t like it or are embarrassed. We make our own choices and deal with the consequences.

It's not unreasonable to feel disappointed in your son when you've invested so much love,time and care into his upbringing. But there comes a point when you have to let go and let them live their own lives. Our children are not clones of us, and it sounds like you have acheived in raising a funct ioning member of society with good values. He works, loves and supports his family. What more can you want?

50 is young! I can give you more than two decades! I wish you good luck and great pleasure from your hobbies, but you are young enough to expand your horizons, and learn more about art and design, and music and have a second career.
If I remember rightly, the novellist Mary Wesley did not publish her first novel until she was 71 - she became a best seller.

What is a good job ? Whilst he may not be on your 'planned course ' for him' he obviously has a direction and is doing his/ best. He/ they are healthy, happy and could be doing far, far worse. Rejoicing not whingeing should be the order of your day. If he wants a change of career direction let him come to it himself.

I hope your Son never finds out you're embarrassed by him & his choices. TBH he sounds like a lovely down to earth lad who has a good work ethos & provides for his family. You should forget that he hasn't chose to study or go to Uni & embrace his choices as he seems to have a good life that he's happy with. His GF might go out to work once their toddler is at nursery or after the 2nd one is at nursery/school so they could have a bit more money coming in in the future.

Your son sounds lovely, he’s hard working and in a happy relationship. He might decide to study/ train later on if he discovers something that really interests him. How wonderful for you to have a little granddaughter when you are young enough to enjoy her.

Well said totally agree.

Everybody's piling on to OP and taking it a bit too personally (because of manual work/class etc) but lets put our emotions aside for one moment and pragmatically consider that she has some rather legitimate concerns about financial security for her child/grandchildren.

Bottom line is, I'd be a bit concerned if my son deliberately wanted to have a 2nd child at 21, bare in mind 21 y/o's aren't exactly known for their capacity to think things through, but had no plans about the affordability of that.

He's on 2 jobs now for his unemployed gf and toddler child, if there's a newborn without a change in financial circumstances... OP's son going to either depend on his parents a hell of a lot more and/or is OP's son is going to need a 3rd job- thus putting him in exactly the same position of what he criticised his mother for.

OP's son might never go to university or choose to advance his career in any way, which is fair enough, but he does need to at least consider what changes he could make in the time-being so he can better support his daughter and the newborn who will presumably be on the way soon.

The "he is just a 21 y/o smol-bean who has all the time in the world" thing just won't wash" he is a father with responsibilities which means no time to waste, it'd be exactly the same if he was 41.

Those changes might very well include moving up the ladder in his particular trade, maybe joining a more specialised version of his trade or joining a new trade.

Anything else, is frankly him stubbornly having his head stuck in the sand...

There needs to be a lot more family-planning in general instead of people willing to go along with le vibes.

He's not supporting his unemployed girlfriend, he's supporting his family and she being a parent and taking care of the house etc is contributing and taking stress away from him.
Does he work two jobs because he wants to or because he has to? We don't know all the details but at the end of the day he is working, he is happy and that's all we should ever want for our children.
Children don't need lots of money to be happy and to thrive.

Ideally I would not want my DS having children at 19. That period of life is for being carefree, enjoying ourselves and not having to worry about anyone but ourselves for a short window before responsibilities begin to kick in. However, there are arguments for having children younger, just as there are for waiting until you're older. There's never necessarily an 'ideal' time.

As far as aspirations are concerned, this is his life. I could never be disappointed in my child, much less embarrassed because he wasn't doing what my friends and their children might expect him to do.

As for the 'mothers should be at home with their children' schtick, I understand your consternation over this; I really do. I'm from a generation where women were encouraged to be aspirational. But I'm a university lecturer and talk to my students on a personal as well as a professional level. And what a lot of them seem to want are very traditional, 'gendered' roles: marriage, children, and, if they're female, staying at home with those children. It's I (Generation X) who am the dinosaur now for having an independent career, not least my own name. Strange how what goes around often comes around!

You love your son, undoubtedly, but it's quite possible he'll have sensed your disapproval no matter how tactful you believe you were. A parent's love is unconditional. He's chosen his direction, as you chose yours.

Accept him for who he is, rather than the son you'd prefer him to be. Support him and enjoy your grandchild.

Op says he's working 'paycheck to paycheck', so I'm guessing he's not really choosing to dh the second job. Why can't the gf work opposite shifts to him? It's what many of my friends had to do.

My concern would also be that she's quite young and presumably hadn't built up much work experience herself, so is that limiting her options later?

Again, I wonder how many people posting these romantic 'he's got a lovely family and that's all that matters' comments actually had to grow up with parents only just managing. It was thr one driving force behind everything I achieved: I want a better life than my parents could give me.

My brother and I grew up in a very poor family. He now works incredibly hard, runs a business, owns his house. I'm a stay at home mum in a council house and I wouldn't change my life for his and vice versa so even when someone has the same experience it can effect them in different ways.

My cousin had her family very young and went back to school after 10 years with her partner supporting them all working for the council, they were poor but very happy and she's now doing really well in her chosen field.

People posting all these romantic 'he's got a lovely family and that's all that matters' comments and re-enforcing a false dichotomy, won't have to live with the consequences if OP posts a sequel-thread in a years time and it turns out that passively leaving the situation unchanged all went tits-up.

Wish OP replied and clarified a bit on what her son's specific occupation because we might be able to give more meaningful more specific and more impactful advice, other than "xyz generic trade is good because grandad g̶o̶t̶ ̶r̶u̶n̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶b̶y̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶e̶i̶n̶d̶e̶e̶r̶ did it and anything somebody says to the contrary is against the interests of le working class".

Seriously 😧 😳😬
’Forcing’ someone to do something will never have a happy outcome.

and ‘poor personal decisions’ … well… unbelievable

OP… as long as your son is happy and healthy… sounds like he’s doing a grand job 🥰

Thing is, your son IS successful. It’s just not in a way society says is meaningful.

What a horrible thing to say. You might find his life boring, he probably does not. OP does not say but likely he is in trade, or can enter one if he chooses. AI is around the corner and we already have lots done online. Those office jobs earned with degrees are going west, but we will always need plumbers.

Think people forget that OP isn't hung up on status like they are, that was only a small piece of her story, she's primarily concerned about the pragmatic realities of how her son won't be able to provide financial security for his own daughter and even less so for the second baby.

"Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by"

I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc.

She's not talking about wanting her son to be rich, wealth, financially well off or even to have a fairly average salary by any means.

She's concerned that her grand-daughter will grow up in a financially-insecure environment and that her son is enabling this to happen.

I doubt this thread would exist if it was solely about OP being a tad-embarrassed at the occasional get-together with friends, it being posted on the same day that her son said he and GF are trying for a 2nd baby should tell you that much that OP's concerns aren't superficial.

"I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them."

My late DH had his first child at 21 (my eldest DSS) because it allowed him to have a larger grant if he was married with a child (60s). He recently died leaving 4 children, 2 step-children, 14 grandchildren (2 step i.e. mine), and 4 great-grandchildren. All of whom prosper. He was disappointed that only one of his grandsons went to university but happy in the end that the others had chosen trades that bring in high incomes. He also left me extremely well-provided for. Having children young is not necessarily the road to poor outcomes - although, to be fair, my late DH said it was a bad idea and he would not do it if he had his time again (but he knew he would).

Your son sounds lovely OP.
My cousin (only child) comes from a very successful family. He has great social skills, but not academic. He is nearing 40 and is a care worker. They have learnt to be proud of him as I think they expected him to have a high paid 'career'.