To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

This is a Proud Mum moment 👏 ❤️

You've done an amazing job raising your DS. He's happy. Has his own family. Doing a job he enjoys. Let him be.

He sounds lovely. Maybe he’s learnt from your mistakes that life’s too short to worry about what others think. He’s working hard to create a happy life for himself and his family.

You should be very proud of him and thankful that he’s ok.

He sounds like he’s got his head screwed on and knows what he wants, and works for what he has. Degrees, money - they’re not everything. He’s got good morals, has control of his own destiny.

I think you should grateful for him. I know my mum would be, my brother died 8 years ago.

Total and utter snobbery. What you should be focusing on is the fact you actually have a Son that has the morals and values instilled by you and your partner that has made his relationship work. Why would you even not recognise that as an achievement in life. Not all children want what their high earning parents do - many children of high earner parents are losers. Your son clearly isn't yet you come on here as if ashamed of him - you should be proud yet you seem ashamed. I fail to understand why.

What poor decisions? He has a home and a family and provides for them. Going to university is not the be-all and end-all of life. He could end up earning substantially more than his age mates who went to uni.

I was a “high achiever”… uni, great job, waited until I was 30 to have kids, now I’m jobless and a lone parent…. life doesn’t always work out as planned. Be happy that your son is happy!

I am surprised your parents did not think the very academic subject of music was worth pursuing, or art and design. Weird parents. So sorry you had such an unhelpful family. Could you not now branch out into the things you care about?

Your son sounds level headed and a good father, I’d say this is a resounding success story.

You can still aspire without a degree or A Levels and work your way up, apprenticeships are often the way forward now.

Friends of mine who are under 35 and went to Uni are all living in flats with children / waiting to be able to afford children. Scraping by with old cars etc.

i would be proud of your son, his partner may need to earn something at some point, however I’m all for SAHM if people can afford it.

if he suggests wanting to progress this could be your chance to gently suggest some ideas, start low at first not to scare him off.

I think a lot of middle aged people would love to be in your shoes even if they don’t admit it. I had my last child later than I would have liked, your grandchildren will know their Dad for a lot of their life.

Enjoy!

People saying that OP's son should get a trade etc... OP's son might very well be in a trade.

Oh gosh, he sounds like a son to be extremely proud of, I do hope you come to realise this and that life choices are just that! we don't all need a degree to feel valued, but more importantly, I hope he never manages to pick up on your dissapointment.. 😔

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I can’t imagine many parents don’t want everything and more for their kids. I’d be secretly gutted but also proud of the father he has become. My daughter’s friend, just 18 is about to have a baby. We had a long talk the other day and she told me she is terrified , she didn’t want the baby but was pressurised by her (now absent) boyfriend and her parents. The parents aren’t helping out financially at all. She really broke her heart when she had to turn down her uni place. I said to her her life isn’t over and in 4/5 years the baby will be at school and she’ll still only be 22/23, plenty of time to live her dream and go to Uni. No it won’t be the same but it’s happened now! Your son is still very young. Things may change and you just need to be supportive as best you can.

Sounds like your spn is happy. It sounds like he went into a trade, which to me is a wise move.
My BIL retrained at age 40 for a trade (plumbing) I'm encouraging my 14 year-old to think about going to a trade school when he graduates.

Not sure where our world is going, but we will always need tradespeople.

I too would be disappointed that my child had made a decision to lead such a limited and boring life with such a limited and boring partner. The world is full of possibilities and the OP's son has chosen not even to look at them.

So he's responsible, hard-working, happy, taking care of his family, living within his means. Has plans for the future. Has found a partner who shares his life goals. Really, why would you want him to be different?

Same. I don't think how you feel is unreasonable at all @JemimaPuddleduck7. From the minute you pee on that stick, you have hopes and ambitions for your children! You want them to have more in life than you did, even if you're successful.

My kids are doing great, but I can't lie when I say I was a little disappointed when all of them turned out to be less academic than I was. I kind of had this expectation that at least one of them would outshine my achievements! It's because you want the very best for them, and maybe what we want isn't what they want. Eldest has a professional career, 2nd aspires to working in a challenging industry and is making strides on their path, but is very good at what they do, and 3rd still in uni.

I would encourage your son to improve himself in any way he can. If he is in a trade, he will probably outearn his peers who went to uni. He's still very young. His partner needs to get her act together and find something she wants to do in life. If they are planning on a second child, she really needs to be stepping up and helping provide for their family instead of putting that all on your DS! The main thing is that they don't stagnate.

I've a relative that age. Working P/T in a local convenience store. Brains to burn, but zero drive or ambition. It's such a waste, but you have to let kids figure this out for themselves.

He's only 21! He has plenty of time.

I'm too old, nearly 50. I do sing in a band as a hobby but it's not the same as making it my career. I make sure to support my children in the things that they want to do and give them opportunities to pursue different things. And I do my stuff as hobbies to make up for the lost years a bit.

Breaking all this down he sounds amazing and very mature. Just love him and stop worrying. Honestly let him find his feet. He honestly sounds a dream! I have a high achiever daughter, she’s stressed, single, drinks too much and only not in debt because of an inheritance. You’re living the dream!!

Edited as posted in wrong thread

I think OP maybe you could bury your disappointment and accept he's an adult making his own choices?
Long term disappointment from a parent can have an ongoing caustic effect on an adult child.

Seriously, grow up.

University is in my opinion a waste of time and money. Everyone I know who went to university is in a huge amount of debt, also struggling to pay their bills every month.
Be proud of the fact your son is taking care of his family and he is happy. Much more important that having some degree which he clearly doesn't want

What an odd post. Does everyone you know tell you their financial business.

I went to university - I am not in any debt apart from my mortgage and I don’t struggle with my bills.

statics clearly demonstrate that people who went to university earn more on average than people who didn’t.

mod course there are lots of other paths in life and everyone has different strengths and interests.

but I don’t think you are being at all truthful.

He sounds lovely, be proud of him now. Also just to say my husband was in his 40s when he studied and got a degree through the OU. We change as we get older, who knows what he will do in the future, but ultimately that's his decision, just support him.

Your son sounds like somebody to be hugely proud of. He is hard working and incredibly supportive of his girlfriend and clearly loves his DD! I’m sure he’ll find his way in life as he has a wonderful attitude!