To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

What he has sounds precious and rare. You are judging him based on what would you make YOU happy.
I don't think mine will ever go to Uni but I know the path they are currently on makes them happy and is opening doors I didn't know were possible.

I had two friends who wanted to be Landscape Architects. One decided A-levels weren't for him and went to look for work instead in a Landscape Architects office. The other went to Uni for five years and got a poor quality degree in Landscape Architecture. One ended up being a LA and the other worked in IT... Sometimes Uni isn't the best route.

Being a SAHM doesn’t mean you are a lazy freeloader. I was a SAHM to our three children for 18 years because that’s what was best for our family and how we wanted to raise our children. They as a couple get to decide how they raise their DC whether they are late teens, 20’s or 30’s. I was a secondary school teacher and my husband was a doctor when we made our choice. Is it less their choice because they are young parents. Must there be some nefarious spin? Our children are at the age now where they need me less and I’m enjoying getting back out to work. There was a sacrifice to be made on my part to live that choice - I didn’t walk back in at the level I left- but in my eyes it was worth it. Who knows what dreams his partner has? Just as he has time on his side to continue career-wise, so does she. Their parenting days will be over a lot earlier than ours were.
OP- your son sounds wonderful and I’m glad he’s happy and that they are both focussing on being the best parents they can be in a way that suits them. Enjoy your grandchild. I’m looking forward to those days!

And here we get all the sexism about sahm!

I know. It’s so sexist how a woman is seen as a ‘freeloader’ because she looks after her kids full time. People do realise that childcare is a full time Job right? Shes sacrificing she career and sanity to bring up kids. She’s so young! She will restart her career when they start school. Let her be.

My mother wanted academic achievement for me because she always felt she missed out. I have a ‘good brain’ she said. This fact is debatable as the functionality of the bloody thing caused me to crash out of my qualifications at school - I have epilepsy.
Years later after slogging away as a mature student, I got my ‘must be educated to degree level’ biomedical degree.
But the blunt truth is the qualification that has earned me the most money in my life is a vocational one that I qualified for at the job I went into when I didn’t make it to uni as a teenager. I kept it current because I loved what it involved far more than anything in my degree.

I really hope this is sarcasm.

A degree open doors that might otherwise have been shut.
I didnt go to uni until i was 25 and graduated at 28. Im glad I did it.

What doors? Genuinely.

Engineering, solicitors, Drs, Nursing, Science research...all sorts of interesting careers require a degree as a minimum to enter. I am a Vet and work in infectious disease research which I could not do without having gone to Uni.

Many visas to work aboard need minimum of a degree. For example, if you have a Masters or a PhD getting a visa to work in USA is a possibility without it would be nigh on impossible.

Lots of jobs require a degree. They aren’t the be all and end all and lots of jobs don’t - but surely you understand you can’t be a doctor for example without a degree?

It’s all about options and people’s career aspirations and interests. A degree isn’t necessary for a successful career in many fields - but it is essential in others. And generally people with a degree do earn more. There will of course be individual exceptions people point to- but on average the statistics are clear.

I am shocked at the number of people on this thread pretending getting a degree makes you unhappy and poor! That’s just silly.

Well, of course you need a medical degree to become a doctor. But ‘a degree’ doesn’t open that door, unless it’s a medical degree?

‘A degree’, doesn’t particularly open more doors, unless you have a particular career path in mind.

I’m genuinely no better off in life than I would be if I hadn’t been to uni, and I’ve been more than once.

That is great that your life is better - as long as you aren’t a careers advisor😂.

there are lots of graduate programmes that require a degree. And of course lots that don’t.

but more doors do open.

go on to a job search engine - lots of big employers have them.

as I said - lots of other routes - but pretending a degree is worthless is just silly. Some people don’t use their degree - but lots of people used it to get their first job.

It is absolutely sincere.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Academia is not the be all and end all. You sound snobbish and unkind. You should be proud that your son is supporting his partner and child and is happy.

It's naturally disappointing when a dc's life doesn't go the way you dreamed of for them. However, he is living his life the way he wants. He's happy, so try to ne happy for him. He's enjoying his life, he"s healthy. He's aware of the limitations his financial situation puts on his life, and he accepts it.
If, in the future, he wants to change his mind about the work he does, there are opportunities for him to take. He's only 21!

It's very important, I feel, that your son knows he has your love and supportive acceptance of his choices. I hope he's not aware of your diappointment.
My best wishes for his future.

I think your son is amazing. A hard-working, family- focused young person who assumes his responsibilities and takes on even more if it means it will help his prtner and child(ren). He is a gem!

At first, reading this I felt really annoyed with you! Your son is happy, he’s hardworking, he and his long term GF have a home, and provided you with a grandchild who you must adore. Instead of focussing on his (in yr opinion) underachievement, celebrate his success!! If your friends are the kind of people who measure success in academia and money, they aren’t nice people TBH!!
think of ways to help them financially, without being overbearing. You don’t say whether you have a good relationship with your sons g/f.
if you have an opinion about their lifestyle & choices, he will pick up on it for sure, and most certainly feel hurt that you are embarrassed. I’m actually getting crosser as I type this!!
support your hardworking son, offer to help, offer a little holiday where you can look after your grandchild. Tell him you love his hardworking caring ethics and praise their home! Comparing his achievement with the family is so unfair. People are different!

From one high achiever to another.....you sound awful.

Happiness doesn’t look the same for everyone, the life he has created for himself is his vision. All l want for my children is for them to be happy no matter what.

He is his own person. Not everyone can or wants to be high achievers. Who cares what other people think. University is not all it's cracked up to be. Celebrate who he is and be happy for him and his lovely family.

He sounds lovely, maybe not what you thought his life would be but you have raised a hardworking and caring young man and that is something you should be very proud of yourself for.

I do entirely understand how you feel, and would probably at first would not be able to help feeling the same way. However it is irrational and unhealthy.

Expecting children to follow their parents' idealized happiness patterns is negative both for them, who must be free to define their own idea of a what their life should be, and for the parents, who will almost always be left mourning the mismatch between their lives and what they idealized.

You should be proud he is drawing his life independently, setting his own happiness compass, and not feeling diminished or haunted by not having been able to meet his mother's expectations, or worse, trying to meet them and be miserable. He is in your own view a hard working man, a good father, a good partner and overall a good person. He might find a trade he likes and is good at and he can start his own business one day, so the economic worries you have now might become unsubstantiated. And starting a family young also has many advantages, to start with many more years for all generations to enjoy growing together.

Regarding the social comparison with your friends' children - stop engaging with it. You don't know their inner lives, they might not be as happy and your son. Stop thinking on what you wanted for his life and celebrate that he is happy and solid. Try to reframe how you think this so you can all be at peace.

I have a daughter and if she was with a man like this I'd be very happy
He's dated her for a while he's stepped up to being a young dad He works and provides and is planning to marry her He's a gem and seems quite mature for his age.
Money iand status sn't everything I'd sooner have someone that treats me right

Hmm… those ‘friends’ who talk proudly about their children’s predictable lives are insufferable IMO. You should be proud your son is staying true to himself and sounds like he has a happy and fulfilled life. Be proud and happy for him. People lead a variety of lives, why should we all be the same? To be honest I’m disappointed in how my life has turned out but eh… I’m not dead yet so maybe there’s still time (and it’s not for lack of degrees!) 😩

I could always tell my parents in law were slightly disappointed in my husbands choice in me. We married fairly young and I stayed at home with both our little ones till they went to school.
… But I started to study again and after a lot of hard work, degree with OU, gained a doctorate and am now a professional. Damage with in laws has never been fully undone. While this might not be your son’s route the point is life is long and there’s lots of time to develop passions/interests. But right now his passion is family life and that’s wonderful. My kids are still the best thing in my life.