To think he should have mentioned having a child even if didn't raise her?

[Laylabee]

I'll start with context, I'm 37, I have 2 children with my ex husband who are 6 and 4, I've been divorced two years.
About 6 months ago I started seeing a man, he's older than I am (49). He told me he has no children, I remember specifically asking. He was married for 15 years but they divorced 4 years ago.
I am 12 weeks pregnant with his child, totally unexpected. I was on the pill, so never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I won't terminate the pregnancy and he has agreed to be supportive and involved.

Last night (bear in mind we are 6 months in) he said I need to talk to you about something. This is when he told me has a daughter, she's 22 in a week. Her mother was a student from France when she was born, neither of them really raised her. 0-4 her mothers parents raised her, then 4-8 she lived with his parents and went to school here, then she started weekly boarding at 8 and full boarding at 11. Weekends and short breaks with his parents, long breaks in France with her mother's family. Her mother passed away when she was 15.
She now is at uni and lives with his aunt in London.
She doesn't call him dad never has but he does provide her with money every month, has always paid her school fees etc.

Now I feel quite flabbergasted that he never told me. He said it never seems relevant as he didn't raise her and she doesn't view him as a dad.

AIBU to think this is a red flag? I don't know what to do now!

I agree with this. As you have only known each other a short time, he may not have felt it necessary to let you know. The fact that he has told you now when you are having a child together could indicate some sort of commitment to you. I sincerely hope so for all of your sakes.
Are you living together, will he be able to support you financially?
Are you financially independent and provide for your own children?
So many questions?
Wishing you luck and strength and hope your children will be supported in all this;a massive upheavall for them (emotionally).Take care

Yes, it was a long time ago. Yes he has had a long time to have changed. I think the fact that his daughter is still spending her holiday from uni staying with apparently any member of his family except him, speaks in deafeningly loud volumes. He has had 22 years to change, to grow up, to provide more for her than money - yet he is still not doing so.

Run, OP.

Agree

She can't run. She's pregnant. She's tied to this man forever now. He will always be the father of her child. She won't be able to make him step up nor can she make him go away if she decides that.

He said it never seems relevant as he didn't raise her and she doesn't view him as a dad.

Bullshit. He didn't tell you as he knows it makes him look like an absolute shit.

My best friend's dad abandoned her, it's affected her so much. I couldn't be with a man who could literally ignore and abandon his own child.

Those saying he might have grown up since she was born, well clearly not if he's still not acknowledging her and owning up to the fact he let her down.

@TomatoSandwiches ..Or they may have a wonderful relationship with their father and enjoy living in two homes. They are likely to have to go to school whilst baby gets to be with mummy and it likely won't cross their minds to be jealous of this. Not every child has the same needs, jealousies and insecurities. It's not kind to project your own issues on to a pregnant woman who is already dealing with a personal crisis.

My ex husband has done this to our son. The damage is horrific and will no doubt affect my child for the rest of his life. There is literally not a single excuse for such foul behaviour.

I'm not here to be kind, I'm giving my opinion on the shit show op has landed herself and her children in and does she deserve kindness over a realistic breakdown of what she has done?
She needs to wake up and be responsible as a mother to the children she already has.

My sympathy is all for the children.

I think most people are saying that they would terminate if they were in the OP’s boat. I know I would.

To those saying he’s ’grown up’ now, he was 27/28 when he created his daughter. Hardly a young lad…

@PureBoggin and what about the new baby if op continues with the pregnancy?
What happens when they watch their older siblings leave to spend time with their father and theirs is off lying to another woman and getting her pregnant thinking it's fine because they pay some money to the op?

Call me a cynic but the likelihood of this turning out well is not good.

Op doesn't even know this man, he has already lied about a very important part of his life, only confessing when he is forced to due to circumstances and even now how can she trust that his version has any basis in the truth?

Her children are very very young, they are already dealing with a divorce of their parents and separation of living environments, this is harmful to them and then mum is bringing a new baby by some man they don't know into their lives?

You can swing this anyway you like, the op has made very poor choices which will affect her children.

She is a mother, she has a responsibility to them, I don't care if she goes out every weekend to have sex with whomever she wants but there are ways to keep yourself extra safe from pregnancy and keep that side from your daily home life.

She's been incredibly selfish.

If she is 22 he was very late 20s when she was born not some immature teenager. If he isn't the type to step up even a tiny bit in 22 years he is poor dad material to another unexpected pregnancy.

Do you really want to be raising a child with someone like that, (assuming he hangs about for this one and acknowledges it's existence) who will be close to drawing his pension by the time she is a teenager.

You likely options are raise this one on your own which will be to the detriment of your own children, or struggle raising along with your own children with someone who is emotionally dysfunctional or seriously consider if you should continue with the pg and prioritise your own young children instead.

@TomatoSandwiches . And what happens to her existing children if she has a mental breakdown after having a traumatic termination after listening to people on this site who seem to be without any empathy, compassion or decency. She didn't ask for your judgement OR your sympathy. And unless you have lived a perfect life and made absolutely no mistakes (which I very much doubt), you are a hypocrite.

I'm not perfect no, but I make my current life choices in balance towards maintaining a solid foundation and homelife for my dependant children, mainly due to having a mother who did not do this for myself and my siblings.

She's 37 she's not a teenager, she doesn't get kid glove treatment.

Still not appropriate when a poster has said they are keeping their baby. She didn't say 'I'm considering keeping/terminating, help me weigh up the pros and cons' did she?

I am, as an aside, cynically amused that pro-choice apparently only swings one way on MN. How very pro-patriarchal. No one needs a man applying pressure to terminate on women dominated MN.

Actually the man here has not applied such pressure, which, considering the circumstances could be seen as positive.

Why would he feel the need to pressure op for a termination? His history shows he is completely comfortable with abandoning any offspring a woman births for him.

Women say they would rather terminate because they know how shit it usually ends up having a child in these circumstances.

This is an open forum, people can say whatever they like. You are free to report anything you don't like.

Stop being a bully. Sorry if your childhood sucked, mine did too, but our experience isn't universal.

Take it out on your own mother and bring it up with her.
Leave this mother alone.

My heart goes out to that poor girl having lost her mum at 15 and no father to speak off. All alone in the world getting shunted from relative to relative. How desperately sad.

I also feel for your two kids - 2 years in and you’re pregnant by a man you clearly know very little about. How on earth can you justify this upheaval to them??!! I would terminate and re-evaluate your relationship choices and why you want to make life harder for yourself and your kids or did you think you’d hop on the financial gravy train that you think this chap represents?? Honestly, the mind boggles.

Not when her actions will likely have a negative effect on her children.
To point that out isn't bullying it's holding a mirror up to her reality whilst she has a chance to fix this.
Op is worried about the wrong thing here.

That's great. I'm so happy for you that you have the capacity to do that. If you describe your children as dependents then it sounds like you have a while to go in your parenting journey. Here's hoping for a continued, perfect, parenting journey for you all.

Until your adult children make any mistakes....

Why would he feel the need to pressure op for a termination? His history shows he is completely comfortable with abandoning any offspring a woman births for him.

You know this how? You know all the details? You know why his child went into boarding school? Which he paid for? Why she went to his parents?

You know why his child was raised in France for her early years? You know how he feels about it now? You know that he's the same person he was at 20s

You know none of these things and due to the nasty judgemental venom unleashed in the first 4 pages of this thread, the OP is highly unlikely to return to flesh out the details.

But keep transferring your trauma to the OP. I hope it's therapeutic for you.

By suggesting OP 'terminates' her pregnancy, how can you claim to be encouraging her to 'put her children first'? Her unborn child is as much her child as her born children, and has as much right to life, as OP has wisely chosen.

Horrified by the number of women defending the actions of a man who fathered a child at 27 or 28, failed to parent her and flat-out denied her existence some 22 years later…

That poor girl. I would be annoyed that he had kept it from me.

I too believe in the right to life and therefore prioritise the living - those children whose lives will be forever altered by the permanent involvement of a walking red flag in their lives.