To think he should have mentioned having a child even if didn't raise her?

[Laylabee]

I'll start with context, I'm 37, I have 2 children with my ex husband who are 6 and 4, I've been divorced two years.
About 6 months ago I started seeing a man, he's older than I am (49). He told me he has no children, I remember specifically asking. He was married for 15 years but they divorced 4 years ago.
I am 12 weeks pregnant with his child, totally unexpected. I was on the pill, so never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I won't terminate the pregnancy and he has agreed to be supportive and involved.

Last night (bear in mind we are 6 months in) he said I need to talk to you about something. This is when he told me has a daughter, she's 22 in a week. Her mother was a student from France when she was born, neither of them really raised her. 0-4 her mothers parents raised her, then 4-8 she lived with his parents and went to school here, then she started weekly boarding at 8 and full boarding at 11. Weekends and short breaks with his parents, long breaks in France with her mother's family. Her mother passed away when she was 15.
She now is at uni and lives with his aunt in London.
She doesn't call him dad never has but he does provide her with money every month, has always paid her school fees etc.

Now I feel quite flabbergasted that he never told me. He said it never seems relevant as he didn't raise her and she doesn't view him as a dad.

AIBU to think this is a red flag? I don't know what to do now!

Huge red flag. He was 27 when he conceived her. Plenty old enough to provide a responsible parent to her – and he has failed every year since.

You’ve known him 6 month. You will never fully know someone within that time and you don’t know him now – which should definitely be apparent to you given this discovery.

Termination is a sensitive subject and by the tone of your post you’ve made up your mind, which will always be your decision. However if it were me, I could not a child with this disappointing near-stranger to the detriment of my other young children.

You've decided to have the baby so you're in it now. Unfortunately so are your very young, existing children. Who don't have a choice. Explaining this to them will be worrying.

He sounds like a loser.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You're very early on in the relationship so I don't judge him for not saying if it's not that serious (given the situation)

BUT

I do judge him for his parenting if it's true it was pretty sad until you said her mum died and then it was horrific.

Poor girl and she stays with his parents but he's not a dad to her....how odd.

He didn’t think his own child was worth mentioning to you, that is disgusting. But he promises he wants to be involved this time around… why do you think your baby (however wonderful) is going to be more special to him, different from his other neglected child? People like this don’t learn, he’s never had to take responsibility. Do his parents fancy playing parent to your baby too if you go down the co-parenting route?

If you’re prepared to be a single mum to 3 kids, then have the baby. Take the money he offers, it’ll help. But don’t continue a relationship with this man.

Tbh you're both a bit of a red flag.

He didn't mention his daughter at the start because it's complicated and he didn't know you. I'm guessing it has hit him now that you're going to be tied together for the rest of your lives with this baby so he needs to tell you about his other child.

I won't terminate the pregnancy and he has agreed to be supportive and involved.

Now you know what he classes as ‘supportive and involved’. Financial contributions.

It doesn't look good for how much of a dad he will be to your little one, apart from anything else.

God what a useless prick.

Just because he's paying for this child it doesn't change the fact that he's a deadbeat dad.

He was asked directly if he had children and he lied. He didn't see his adult daughter as relevant to his life or your life together.

I'd be very worried about what kind of dad he is willing to be now.

That aside, what's the plan for the future? You barely know him, you have young kids and now you're pregnant. Are you in a relationship? Are you going to live together?
Do you want to do this if he's not involved or just pays some cash monthly and little else?

Honestly at 6 months in, the kids shouldn't even have met him let alone you bringing a new sibling into the mix.

He was 27 when he decided not to get involved in raising his child and just leaving her in another country.
He was 31 when he again decided to leave the responsibility with his parents, and still did not raise his child.
He was 35 when he decided to send his child to boarding school, once again any path instead of raising her.
He was 42 when her mother died, yet he STILL didn't take her in, he sent her to his aunt.
Along the way he married, but couldn't stick to that and divorced.

The red bunting is well and truly out with this one. Think about how you'll manage the extra child on your own, and I would stop him seeing your other kids immediately to reduce the separation issue when he runs off.

Please do not have a baby with a man who has abandoned a child unless you can financially and emotionally manage being a single mum of three.

Oh dear red flag bunting alert. Sorry this happened to you and yes he should have told you before you both started a physical relationship. I would not be able to trust him again. What else has he decided to erase from history. His poor daughter. How awful of him. Just be prepared to go it alone.

You've got a slim chance of him giving a shit about the baby long term if you have a son - he might just be one of those types. Men will disregard EVERY woman who doesn't serve them, including their daughters. Ugh.

This is not a red flag, this is a massive no go, do not proceed sign. You know clearly this is not good, make decisions wisely with no rosé tinted glasses. Did he really pay her school fees and uni fees? Is that court ordered or voluntary? Is he already making excuses as to where his money is going? He absolutely should have mentioned his estranged daughter. You are not in a good position. Good luck.

@Laylabee

I could never, ever trust anyone who kept such a massive secret from me. Especially since you specifically asked him if he had children and he LIED. A lie by omission is bad enough, but a deliberate lie in the face of a direct question is unforgivable as far as I'm concerned.

He deliberately took your ability to make a fully informed decision about your pregnancy away from you. Maybe it wouldn't have affected your decision to keep the baby in the long run, but you still didn't have ALL the information you were entitled to when you made your decision.

Because there may be an ongoing connection as coparents, and especially if you're still in some sort of 'relationship' with him, I'd want to know if his ex-wife knew about this child and if she tried to encourage him to develop a relationship with her, and what the circumstances were surrounding his and the child's mother's apparent 'inability' to (separately) raise the child themselves. Addiction issues? Financial issues? MH issues? Or just didn't give a shit. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. For the sake of your coming child, you need to know.

What you do is up to you, but I wouldn't want to be enmeshed (especially financially) with someone who is untrustworthy. If you decide to stay with him, be sure you remain financially independent and don't expect much in the way of equal coparenting from him, so be very sure you have sorted out your own childcare and 'support system'. I also would NEVER move in with him unless I had sufficient income and resources to move right back out or owned my own place to move back to. Nor would I ever have him move in with me.

Congratulations on your coming baby since it appears that's what you want, but don't stick your head in the sand.

I genuinely don't get why women do this.Terminate the pregnancy and focus on your children.Keep him at a distance
I bet you do know how your pregnancy happened.sorry I'm cynical.

Crikey op, you got pregnant with new man 12 weeks after meeting him and only 18 months after getting divorced? You're moving very quickly and I'm not sure you're putting your children first here. Especially not when it appears he's been a shit father in the past and may well be this time around too. Why the rush?? At six months I wouldn't have even introduced my kids to him never mind be 3 months pregnant with the next one. This has disaster written all over it.

Hmm, there are plenty of nations where the grandparents raise the children whilst the parents are working or in other countries. If the upbringing the girl has received is loving and warm and she has good relationships with those who raised her, the that can only be a good thing.

Not fair.some men can't at any age.But stay away from him.

When you asked him why he’s chosen to have nothing to do with his own flesh and blood, even when his parents were bringing her up, what did he say?

Had the child been totally raised in France, by her mum and French grandparents, I could sort-of understand why he had said he had no children.

However, his own parents raised her do the connection was close. ( i don’t see a problem in the grand -parents raising her as such - they may have been in a better situation too).

I can't fathom why anyone, 6 months in, has an oops pregancy and thinks 'ill just keep it it's all good'.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Be prepared to be a single mum op because this guy isn't dad or partner material.

You are barely divorced and are now pregnant accidentally with the child of an outright liar.
Your poor children.
Termination and focusing on your two small children is the wise move.
You are bringing nothing but confusion into their lives.
Having a child with a liar you don't know from adam....what can go wrong!

No I don't think he should have been obliged to tell you after so short a relationship. It looks as if he has fulfilled his financial obligations. And his child is now an adult.