To think he should have mentioned having a child even if didn't raise her?

[Laylabee]

I'll start with context, I'm 37, I have 2 children with my ex husband who are 6 and 4, I've been divorced two years.
About 6 months ago I started seeing a man, he's older than I am (49). He told me he has no children, I remember specifically asking. He was married for 15 years but they divorced 4 years ago.
I am 12 weeks pregnant with his child, totally unexpected. I was on the pill, so never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I won't terminate the pregnancy and he has agreed to be supportive and involved.

Last night (bear in mind we are 6 months in) he said I need to talk to you about something. This is when he told me has a daughter, she's 22 in a week. Her mother was a student from France when she was born, neither of them really raised her. 0-4 her mothers parents raised her, then 4-8 she lived with his parents and went to school here, then she started weekly boarding at 8 and full boarding at 11. Weekends and short breaks with his parents, long breaks in France with her mother's family. Her mother passed away when she was 15.
She now is at uni and lives with his aunt in London.
She doesn't call him dad never has but he does provide her with money every month, has always paid her school fees etc.

Now I feel quite flabbergasted that he never told me. He said it never seems relevant as he didn't raise her and she doesn't view him as a dad.

AIBU to think this is a red flag? I don't know what to do now!

HUGE red flag!

Not only did he lie, he was not a decent father to his daughter. Those two things are enough to step away.

I think a lot of these responses are massively out of order!

Firstly, the OPs partner was in his twenties when he had his first child and doesn't look like he had a lot of say in her upbringing in another country between the ages of 0-4 at least. Perhaps his work (it would appear he was making decent money to afford boarding school fees) didn't permit for him to be very hands on after that and the Boarding Sch. was to give her stability. Hardly novel in Britain. Not necessarily a sign of shit patenting. OP hasn't provided those extra details.

He's now one year shy of 50 years old. A person can change in that time. God, none of us are the people we were 30 odd years ago.

It's also extremely rude and nasty to tell someone to she should consider termination who hasn't asked for that advice. The OP admitted nothing was planned. She's 37 and knows what having a baby means.

Way to make a newly expecting mother feel crap.

Of course he knew he lied. The issue is do you want to stay with him when you’ve already said you’re keeping your baby?

He was 27. That’s not exactly young. He let his parents raise her for 4 years (from when he was 31 to 35) in this country and then allowed her to be boarded from 8 years old. That’s a complete abdication of parental responsibility.

Exactly, enough to line the streets of a small town on Gala Day!

He didn’t tell you because he knows he has behaved terribly over this girl and doesn’t want to think about it. He wants to keep her hidden away so that new women don’t instantly judge him as a terrible father and less of a man for not being involved in her upbringing.

He is right, you will judge and you need to. He has shown himself as caring more about his ego than being truthful. As being a useless father and a pretty shit human being.

Run, don’t walk.

@Laylabee I hope you're OK, tough situation to be in. 💐
I feel awful for his poor DD, not much older than my eldest and it sounds like she's had it tough. I hope if you meet her she gets to bond with your baby if she'd like that. I think no matter her relationship with her DM, loosing her at 15 must leave a terrible sadness, more people to love will hopefully do her good, even if her emotions will be tough to navigate. I wish you all the very best in that ❤️

I'm not clear going forward are you and this man going to attempt a relationship or parent together?
Do you have a good support network besides him? Someone to have the DC when you're in hospital giving birth etc or if you need help to recover if you have a Csection? These are the things I'd be trying to cover as early as possible and solo because he doesn't seem the most reliable of men.
How are you with pregancy? Anything unmanageable that you'll need help with?
My eldests father was actually quite helpful when I was in hospital giving birth, he's been useless in a plethora of other ways but during my hospital stays with my subsequent pregnancies he was actually great with our DS. I hope if your DC have a relationship with their dad that he is more of a help than a hindrance, exes can go either way can't they?

I hope your DC have a smooth transition into becoming a trio and you all thrive with your new bundle ✨️

Except he has now proved himself as being a liar, as well as incredibly cold about his daughter. The OP asked if he had children and this poor girl wasn’t even mentioned.

What a good example to set your own children!
You’re pregnant by a man who, let’s face it you’ve been together 6 months, who hopefully haven’t met your children yet!!

You now know that his idea of ‘supportive and involved’ amounts to nothing.
Think about how ‘supportive and involved’ he has been in his daughter’s upbringing. Apart from the finance, he has been totally unreliable. Totally absent in fact. No emotional support. No guidance. No involvement.
Just absence all her life.

He thinks so little of her that he doesn’t even admit he has a daughter. Doesn’t bother to mention her, he’s that dismissive of her existence.

Imagine what that does to a child/teen/young woman. You can’t make that right OP. And you can’t gloss over it. It will always be there.

Is that the sort of ‘supportive and involved’ you want?
The writing is plastered clearly all over the wall I’m afraid.

My advice would be to consider your two existing children first and foremost.
Is he anywhere near good enough to be in their lives ?
Think of the disruption to them. They are young and vulnerable.
Do nothing that you feel would threaten their security.

All the best OP, you must be in shock to find yourself in this unenviable position and I’m really sorry.

Men should already know there's a risk of producing a baby when they have sex!!!
And a termination is not something that should be assumed.

He should have told you

And you're nasty. How cruel

I agree with this

I’d absolutely terminate, put my children first and distance myself from this deceptive, old red flag.

Half sibling

Nice up there on your pedestal eh?

Absolutely. A pregnancy with a man you hardly know will totally upend your young kid’ lives.

Bah!

He didn't know how the OP would take it. They don't know each other well.

He has now said something being as having a child has sped up the 'getting all the dirty skeletons out of your closet part'.

I mean should he have waited till the baby arrived?

He also may indirectly be telling the OP that he's feeling a bit insecure about being a Dad as he hasn't had a good hands on experience of fatherhood before.

ITS A NEW RELATIONSHIP PEOPLE. And people do not necessarily tell all the things they're ashamed about to brand new partners, especially those they like most, for fear of rejection, or the information not being taken well. Those personally I do think it's something he ideally should have revealed. But I can see why he may have wanted to wait to see where the relationship was headed before facing any judgement about it!

It sounds like he might potentially give you some money for the child, based on his past record.

I'm sorry, OP - you appear to be in quite a difficult situation where no choices are necessarily good choices. So what's the least worse? Can you face being a single mother of 3?

I recently dated a man who didn’t tell me about a son he had (I discovered it through chance and he admitted it)

I ignored this huge red flag only for him to ghost me after 7 months and a holiday together!

Of course your situation is far worse as you’re pregnant however I wouldn’t necessarily rely on him to be with you forever x

I don't know why some people think it's acceptable behaviour to tell someone who's already said she's keeping the baby to have an abortion.

Stop telling people to abort babies they've already decided to keep.

Would you do that in real life if a friend told you she's keeping her baby, would you tell her to have an abortion instead? No you would not.

Too easy to say leave etc. maybe he'll stand up and parent this time partly because he didnt before. Truth is, none of us have any clue, you know him, do you do. So, go with your gut. And congratulations on baby!