To think he should have mentioned having a child even if didn't raise her?

[Laylabee]

I'll start with context, I'm 37, I have 2 children with my ex husband who are 6 and 4, I've been divorced two years.
About 6 months ago I started seeing a man, he's older than I am (49). He told me he has no children, I remember specifically asking. He was married for 15 years but they divorced 4 years ago.
I am 12 weeks pregnant with his child, totally unexpected. I was on the pill, so never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I won't terminate the pregnancy and he has agreed to be supportive and involved.

Last night (bear in mind we are 6 months in) he said I need to talk to you about something. This is when he told me has a daughter, she's 22 in a week. Her mother was a student from France when she was born, neither of them really raised her. 0-4 her mothers parents raised her, then 4-8 she lived with his parents and went to school here, then she started weekly boarding at 8 and full boarding at 11. Weekends and short breaks with his parents, long breaks in France with her mother's family. Her mother passed away when she was 15.
She now is at uni and lives with his aunt in London.
She doesn't call him dad never has but he does provide her with money every month, has always paid her school fees etc.

Now I feel quite flabbergasted that he never told me. He said it never seems relevant as he didn't raise her and she doesn't view him as a dad.

AIBU to think this is a red flag? I don't know what to do now!

In your position, I'd terminate both the pregnancy and the relationship. Having a baby in a new relationship with a lying, lousy parent when you already have young children to think about sounds like a car crash.

Me too.

Another way to not be shamed is to be a better person who doesn’t do shameful things like he has.

Did you want to be a single mother? You're going to be.

I would be worrying that history is repeating itself. How old was this girl’s mother? You say student but that could be almost any age. Was she a teenager? And he was 27ish? Or was she about 25? Now he has got another much younger woman pregnant.

At 27ish he was old enough to have taken a lot more responsibility for his young girl. Has he had anything to do with her at all except financially?

I would be furious that he hadn’t told me 6 weeks in. Presumably you haven’t met his family yet? If not, I guess he was keeping you away from them in case they mentioned her or she was there.

The man is a walking red flag and an absolute shit father. Not someone I'd want to continue to date never mind have a child with.

That poor young woman, who’s basically been an orphan her whole life despite having living parents. Such a lot for a child to deal with including having the mother who didn’t raise her due when she was 15. And now she’s had that insecure solitary background, and the only family she’s ever been able to count on are getting pretty old. Plus her biological absent father who tells his partner she doesn’t exist. Ugh.

Massive significant lie. Poor parent. Bin him.

wait. Do you know his parents?? Did he tell them to just not mention this whole person he fathered and they raised when you’re around?

On both sides! OP's kids are likely still processing the divorce, and soon they're going to have a half sibling to a man they shouldn't have even met yet.

I wonder how his daughter will feel if she discovers her father is actually being a father to another child, after he apparently failed her so badly. I would feel VERY weird starting a new family with someone when I knew nothing at all about his existing family. And someone who is so shady - honestly - about his past. Makes me wonder how his daughter fitted in to his relationship with his ex-wife. You ought to know all this! The fact you don't suggests this is very much a no-strings romance for both of you - at least, that's how he has been treating it.

And that's before we even start on the effect on your existing children. Do your children know this guy? Are you expecting to move him into your home, their lives, at the same time as a baby?

I realise you did not intend to become pregnant, but oh my, this has so much potential to make so many lives harder.

I'm sorry but what kind of monster ignores his daughter even after her own mother has died and allows other people to raise her and doesnt acknowledge her as if she doesn't even exist. Massive red flag and I couldnt stay with someone like this.

Good luck- you're gonna need it if he can cut off emotionally with such ease and nonchalance.

Didn't seem relevant to disclose his child to you? Run as fast as you can. You are dealing with a man compartmentalising his life and disclosing information as it suits him. Bad, bad partner.

Fucking hell 😢!

I'd consider this as him putting me on notice, then deciding from there if I want to be a single-handedly raising the child. At least he takes his financial responsibility seriously.

Has he actually said he wants this baby?

Even if he stays I couldn't look at him with anything but contempt.

Wow, the upbringing that this poor girl had, and that he allowed to happen is a huge red flag. It speaks volumes about him as a man in my opinion.
He’s older than you so was at least 27 when she was born. More than old enough to step up and be a father. If he’d been in his teens and still at school maybe it would be excusable.

And you're prepared to bring a baby into this situation?

Poor children. Yours and his.

And this is why you shouldn't have unprotected sex with a man you've only been dating a matter of weeks. This man is a massive red flag. Get tested for STIs and if you really want to keep the baby, prepare to be a single parent. Shame you couldn't put your existing children first and use a condom.

I think you need to be prepared to be a single mother to this baby. At least he has form for paying maintenance.

Massive red flag. Leaving aside his actual behaviour towards his kid for a minute, the dishonesty is a concern. While the whole saga might not be a good first date conversation, why did he go with "no kids" rather than "I have an adult daughter, but we're not really in contact"?

Well he’s proven he’s happy to abandon his child so presumably you’re ready to be a single parent to 3 children?

I feel sorry for his poor DD and for your poor children who have a new man and another sibling on the way just weeks after you met him. You can’t trust him to be supportive, he’s a liar and a deceiver. You barely know him at all.

I would end the relationship immediately.

This is a huge lie and I dread to think what else he lies to you about.

I would also not be with a man who isn’t involved with his child, or doesn’t try to be.

I wouldn't believe anything he told you until you have spoken to his daughter and heard her version of events. However in fairness I also don't believe a 37 year old woman gets pregnant with a pregnancy she is determined to keep unless she wants to, so I think there are shenanigans on both sides here.

You barely know this man, as this little revelation has shown.

Two years post divorce is arguably too soon to be thinking about another baby and introducing a new man, baby and whole new set up into your kids lives. Focus on your kids you have now.

If he gave a shit, he'd have spent those 22 years doing everything he possibly could to build a relationship with his daughter. He clearly hasn't done that otherwise he would have told you about her in the early days.

A perfect example of why you don't get pregnant to a man 3 months into a relationship - you can't possibly know enough about them in that time and this just shows that.

I think you should walk away. Your current children should be your priority.

I think the colour of whatever flags is completely irrelevant. You want to have the baby, this is the situation. It'll be important for things like inheritances, school fees, step-siblings, your boyfriend becoming a grandfather, Christmas etc. It may not impact your day to day.

You need to let it sink in and think through all the immediate and longer term ramifications. Talk to him at length.