To think he should have mentioned having a child even if didn't raise her?

[Laylabee]

I'll start with context, I'm 37, I have 2 children with my ex husband who are 6 and 4, I've been divorced two years.
About 6 months ago I started seeing a man, he's older than I am (49). He told me he has no children, I remember specifically asking. He was married for 15 years but they divorced 4 years ago.
I am 12 weeks pregnant with his child, totally unexpected. I was on the pill, so never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I won't terminate the pregnancy and he has agreed to be supportive and involved.

Last night (bear in mind we are 6 months in) he said I need to talk to you about something. This is when he told me has a daughter, she's 22 in a week. Her mother was a student from France when she was born, neither of them really raised her. 0-4 her mothers parents raised her, then 4-8 she lived with his parents and went to school here, then she started weekly boarding at 8 and full boarding at 11. Weekends and short breaks with his parents, long breaks in France with her mother's family. Her mother passed away when she was 15.
She now is at uni and lives with his aunt in London.
She doesn't call him dad never has but he does provide her with money every month, has always paid her school fees etc.

Now I feel quite flabbergasted that he never told me. He said it never seems relevant as he didn't raise her and she doesn't view him as a dad.

AIBU to think this is a red flag? I don't know what to do now!

poor girl sounds like she was passed from pillar to post and he contributed sweet fa to her life

Well I'm fucking glad I kept MY result of 3 months with a stranger! I know this isn't relevant to the thread but when I read that I saw red.
We're now 5 years down the line and just found out we're having number 3 so don't write everyone off who gets pregnant so quick!
Less judgement please!!!!!

When did pro-choice become so vicious? You all sound as vitriolic and authoritarian as the pro-life nutjobs. A woman who happens to have children has had sex and gotten pregnant. It happens. She is a grown woman with presumably her own resources and has made the choice to continue with the pregnancy. Thankfully children often take new siblings in their stride and research has shown that in separated families children are less likely to be negatively affected by new siblings when they are related through mum.

However like others I'd be concerned about the initial lie. @Somepeoplearesnippy was he able to articulate why he lied to you in a way that felt real to you?

Maybe going against the grain here. Yes he should have told you. But what’s the reason he didn’t? If she is 22 that was a long time ago. He may have changed. How did he react to you being pregnant. Maybe he doesn’t see himself as her dad considering the way she was brought up. Which sounds far from ideal as his daughter seems to have been passed around different family members.

I can understand him not disclosing this somewhat unusual situation with his daughter to every woman he dates early on. You were only 3 months in when you fell pregnant. You didn’t say what stage you were when you found out and then told him about the pregnancy. When did you tell him you intended proceeding with pregnancy? How soon after this did he tell you about his daughter? I do think this makes a difference in how you view his behaviour.

The thing that is concerning is you asked him directly about children and he said he had none. Has he explained why he has had so little involvement with his daughter?

Obviously he should have told you when you asked the first time. I'd guess he didn't tell you because he knew it mattered, not because he thought it didn't. He didn't want to risk scaring you off by admitting his failure to step up and be a real dad.

I wouldn't feel I could count on him to stick around and be a good father, so I'd approach everything from the position of protecting yourself and your children, including the one you're carrying. Maybe he'll be different time time around. It has been a long time, and the circumstances are not the same, but I'd be wary of relying on him until he's proven he's serious about being a father.

Of course you don't mind, you're sitting back anonymously spouting nasty rhetoric in the comfort of wherever you are. Also please let us all know your dirty secrets so we can tear you apart too.

He should have used a condom if he didn’t want a baby. Or just not had sex with her given no contraception is ever 100%. Let’s only blame the woman though, it’s par for the course.

@Pinkbonbon what on earth makes you think her kids are going to have a terrible time? Your not just "the bad guy", you're presumptuous, judgemental and unhelpful. Do you honestly think @Laylabee will read your post and think "there's a woman who knows what's she talking about...I'm off down to the abortion clinic".

Maybe her kids will be much better off with a mum who doesn't have to go through the trauma of having an abortion she doesn't particularly want.

Well said

This is a clear warning of what will happen if your relationship fails.

Have you met the aunt ?

So I'm batshit?
Thanks sweetie :)
I got pregnant after being with my DP 2 months.
Our "accident" was the best thing that EVER happened to us.
So DFOD 💕

Oh and @Pinkbonbon and @WizardOfAus No one asked for your fucking sympathy.

Good Lord, I've got the ick from here... What a absolute prize! Please think very carefully about this situation, OP, because I suspect that this man will let you, and another child, down

Not trying to make you feel bad but this is why you don’t have babies with a man you’ve known 6 months 🤷‍♀️ He’ll do this to you…guaranteed.

@GiveMeSomeWaterItsHot You are trying to make her feel bad. At least own it.

His poor poor daughter 😭
I couldn’t be friends with anyone who could do this to their own child……let alone be in a relationship or have a child with this man. Good grief. If it were me I would very much reconsider if I wanted to go ahead with this pregnancy.

Huge red flag 1. Not telling you 2. Not involved in raising his own child. If he had been a teenage parent I could MAYBE understand her being raised by grandparents but he was in his late 20s so he should have been raising her himself or at least co-parenting. I'd be gone. I couldn't be with a man who would abandon a child.

You have a very good chance of being a single parent 24 hours a day / 7 days a week / 52 weeks a year, whilst he throws some money your way.

So when your current children go out with their daddy for the day / evening / weekend / holiday you will be at home with your new baby / third child.

Do you honestly think Op hasn't thought about this? Also I'm so confused as to why having your child with you 24/7 is a bad thing? Isn't that just parenting? My children were with me 24/7/52 until they went to nursery and school. Is that not the expectation of everyone who has a child?

I do wonder where mods are on threads like this.

How, with all the mental health guidelines is it appropriate for people to tell a newly expecting mother who states she is keeping her pregnancy that she should terminate it and she will be a shit mother to her existing kids if she keeps it in response after response and they're allowed to stand by mods?

An abortion after 12 weeks would most likely be deeply traumatic. What if OP's mental health never recovered and she was unable to function as a mother to her existing children?

Please respect a women's right to choose either way by respecting her decision that she's no doubt already agonised over.

And if you aren't happy with that or don't agree keep your mouth shut and show some basic human decency.

@DysonSphere @DeepRoseFish

Hear hear. Vile, abominable comments from some posters.
Pro-choice means supporting a woman's CHOICE. Not trying to shame or manipulate her into an unwanted termination!!!! That's fascist territory.

Her older children may find it unfair that baby gets mummy ALL the time and they don't if they visit their father.

Some of us were the older children in ops scenario and had extremely negative experiences with new half siblings coming along, the advice comes from experience.