Does anyone else not really have any friends?

[Hernamewaslola22]

Wondering if it's just me. I have friends at work and 1 or 2 out of work...we very very rarely do anything together. I spend most weekends completely alone. I feel like most women have these big groups of girlfriends.

One close friend , the others are but acquaintances really.

I’ve never figured out how to make friends as an adult. I can’t tell when people are genuinely interested in hanging out again and when they’re just being polite, and “normal” female social interaction doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s like stammering along in a foreign language that I only have passing familiarity with.

When I was a teenager, my friends were people who did the same extracurricular activities and liked the same books and TV and movies. We could spend hours talking about stuff we liked, but we didn’t have emotionally revealing conversations. Apparently this is more like how boys and men make friends, according to what I’ve read?

Your last sentence is both insensitive and untrue.

I have lots of friends. But I’m single with no kids and no family living in the same city as me. If I didn’t have friends I would be completely alone all the time.

I think Uni and high school are the best times to make friends though. Miss that and you're screwed.

Well that's not necessarily true. I have one friend from high school. I didn't go to Uni. I'm 40 now and still making new friends.

It does take some effort to maintain them, the same way a romantic relationship does. I really consciously make an effort to remember life events and things that have come up in conversation and follow up (Did you have a good day out at X? How was your interview? Has your DH's cold cleared up?)

I have a lot of associates and acquaintances, true friends not many. I only see most of them or hear from them when I make the effort, and I suspect if I stopped 90% of them I’d never see again. It makes me very sad sometimes when I try to keep in touch with people, remember their birthdays and news, ask after their families etc and hardly anyone bothers with me. Probably only 2-3 people who I think genuinely care about me like I do them.

Recently I’ve had a revelation and realised I have acquaintances not friends.

I’m always the person who’ll offer to pick some shopping off, drop a lasagne off or help out in any emergency. This year I’ve had a very difficult year with family illness and it’s made me understand that what you give isn’t what you get.

Now I’m getting older it bothers me less. I go for coffee on my own and my party days are behind me.

In my 20’s and 30’s I was lonely and isolated as every one of my friends started having children and moving onto new friendships.

you sound similar to me and most of my friends are male. we watch films and netflix and game and eat.

small talk coffee chats drive me insane.

I did and I had friends, plenty of them through school, uni and afterwards
Then one moved abroad
Roughly six of them got married and had dc and now only socialise with people with children
One stole from me and I ditched her

Basically because I don't have children I got ditched

Now I have people I am friendly with but not invite over for a night in kind of friendly, more acquaintances and lots of online friends who are hours away from me

I have a friend I’ve known since I was 16 (now 37) we rarely see eachother.. maybe 1-2 times a year at a gig or something, a friend I’ve known about 17 years and we meet up every other month or so and text once a week then I have mum friends who I see for play dates and occasional nights out and I have work friends who I see at work and maybe text out of work but that’s it. I don’t really socialise a lot, I don’t go out drinking and dancing anymore as spend weekends with my husband and son. I do wish I had a closer set of friends though!

I WFH for a company in another country so no work mates and we ,loved get during lockdown and no noone. I like it this way to be honest. No stress or anxiety and lovely peaceful times

I think this thread should cheer you up as the vast majority of people talking about having friends only seem to see them a couple of times a year! I wouldn't consider them friends at that point, just social media connections.

I don't have any friends. I have a few acquaintances and occasionally go out with some people from work but nothing else.

That’s a ridiculous statement. I’m not on social media and wouldn’t know if my friends are but one of the people I only see once or twice a year is my best friend and has been for 34 years. The fact that we now live 230 apart is irrelevant.

I seem to keep hold of a small handful from each phase of my life - so still a few from first school, then senior school, a decent handful from university ( maybe a dozen), work and now a few ( on average 3) from each nursery and school class each of my dcs have been in. But at the time I am involved in any of those things I have a lot more, I seem to just skim a small handful on and into the future. But I don’t necessarily mix them all up as they don’t all have things in common.
What I do have is a close friend who is always warm when I contact and is always happy to catch up but only ever texts or phones for a kind of “ urgent” reason, like organising where to meet or sorting something out. Other people I share less with ( and who share less with me) when together will send me random chatty messages on a much more regular basis. It just doesn’t seem to be this person’s style. But I do find it odd because if I go quiet I simply don’t hear from her until finally she suggests coffee or lunch. Maybe just not a messager. So people have different styles.

I have in order ,my Sisters ,who I see every week at least,my Uni friends who I see as a group once a month ,and a couple of them every week , and school friends every 6 weeks or so
But I have stayed in the same area all of my life which makes it easier

I don't have lots of friends.Maybe 2 I meet a few times a year I've moved around and I'm not working. I have dh and kids. I also know I'm not great friend material. I don't keep in touch, I sometimes don't want to stick to arrangements I've made. It takes alot of effort and commitment and I'm quite happy doing my own thing.

Same. I don't see anyone socially whatsoever.

Me too

That used to be me. You’ve just got to keep trying. Life is a series of phases, it’s highly likely you won’t be lonely forever 💐

Edit - I don’t have a big group of girlfriends though and never have. From friends that do, it sounds like more trouble than it’s worth! But on the other hand I was friends with everyone at school for example, so not in any specific group, which means everyone likes you but you’re no-one’s priority. So that’s the downside of not being in a big group.

But a true friend doesn't cause stress and anxiety. I do not understand this way of thinking. Why would having friends make you think this?

I don't have any friends, no partner, no kids and the only family I have are my mum and brother.

I have adhd and I'm probably autistic too so I struggle with relationships.

What a funny perspective. I worked with a woman who was always out socialising with people that she referred to as friends, but her life was really quite empty and those relationships were only superficial. It was her personality that stopped real friendships from forming. She was insufferable one on one.

I think groups can generate stress because of politics. I tend to get together with maybe two or three at most at the same time and only because we all belong to the same “place”( eg group of school mums) . I don’t really seek out large group “ membership.”

There are some really daft statements being made on this thread, these two in particular.

I think Uni and high school are the best times to make friends though. Miss that and you're screwed.

I think this thread should cheer you up as the vast majority of people talking about having friends only seem to see them a couple of times a year! I wouldn't consider them friends at that point, just social media connections.