Does anyone else not really have any friends?

[Hernamewaslola22]

Wondering if it's just me. I have friends at work and 1 or 2 out of work...we very very rarely do anything together. I spend most weekends completely alone. I feel like most women have these big groups of girlfriends.

I'm near Hull?

@WithIcePlease

However, listening to a Diary of a CEO podcast recently on friendship which wasn't as helpful as I had hoped, the guest said that actually a true friend is someone you can call up with great news and they'll be genuinely pleased for you.

You have hit on something really important here. The “3am friend” is always used as the bellwether of true friendship but you are right that being genuinely happy for someone who is doing better than you is a better test.

Being able to celebrate someone who has something that you want is true selflessness.

I think I like that definition. Being able to share in other people's joy is such an important part of life I think.

Being able to celebrate someone who has something that you want is true selflessness

Absolutely. What I learnt was the 3am friend can be secretly gleeful and find your struggles entertaining. Being happy about your friends growth, progress and achievements is so much more important.

I have long standing friends who live all over the UK and I very rarely see, just FB contact. No real local friends and I'm so busy as a single mother I'm not spending time making them. If my family can't give support that I need I have to buy it.

@Newstarts1

Indeed. Sometimes the proponents of 3am friendships are actually grief vampires who like people to stay in their lane.

I'm I'm my 50s & I have a lot of friends. My 2 closest span back to meeting one in primary school & one in secondary school. They're like sisters to me & our bond runs deep. One lives in the same city & we see each other frequently both alone & as part of a wider group.

The other lives 3 hours away & we message pretty much daily & meet in person whenever we can.

I have other friends from my 20s & see them v often.

I work in a creative sector & I've come to the conclusion that because we spend so much time discussing ideas & realising projects with people who are mostly aligned in their approach to life it naturally leads to friendships forming.

I also put effort into maintaining friendships. I respond when friends contact me. I initiate contact. I make time to meet up. I invite people to things. I host people in my house. I'm enthusiastic about planning things in the future & then look forward to them.

I don't say yes to things I don't enjoy & then dread it as it draws closer - for instance I don't enjoy festivals or gigs so if friends are planning getting tickets I am up front straight away & nicely say it's not my thing but u hope they have a great time & thanks for thinking of me.

I'm not possessive about friends & actively introduce people who I think will hit it off & I love it when they do. I do this a lot professionally too - often leading to new projects.

I have interests outside work & I engage with people there too & have several I'm in WhatsApp/ email contact with & we have the most fantastic chats about our (niche) shared interest.

I also have a dh & almost adult dc. We love travel. I spend a lot of time with them buy life is RICH & there are so many opportunities to explore & keep learning & growing.

I feel a bit sad at the thoughts of people hiding away at home with only their immediate partners & kids.

My mother did that - she had not got a single friend & then her world imploded through illness & crises & it was dreadful. She had noone.

Kids grow up & need to become independent. We have to let them go & live their own lives. That's the whole point. I feel strongly that showing them how to live interesting, fulfilling, rich lives is the best way - by doing it yourself.

I meant to add that I detest gossip & talking about other people & don't engage in that at all.

I'm discreet & can 100% keep a secret.

While I think that’s absolutely true, I think that having it as an absolute metric of friendship is probably not helpful (maybe no absolute metric ever is?) One of my closest, oldest friends has achieved remarkable success in a field I’ve struggled to get even a foothold in, and there have been times when I’ve had to say, in all honestly, that my complete delight for her about some specific achievement was mingled with sadness at my own failure. The two things aren’t related, obviously, and her success has nothing to do with my lack of success, but it’s not a barrier to our continued friendship the way it might have become if I’d suppressed my feelings. A good friendship can survive and even thrive with good communication about difficult feelings.

Or just people like my mother who only feel ‘needed’ when someone else is ill, poor, unfortunate or unlucky. She’s completely unaware of this, but you can feel her switching off if you phone her with good news or even in a happy, upbeat mood, and pricking up her ears at bad news.

It’s nothing intentionally malicious, but it’s very difficult to be around. She borrows bad news from the news, preferably local, if there’s nothing going on in her immediate circle, and will only remember anything she’s told about my friends/colleagues if it’s sad. Like the only thing she remembers about one of my colleagues is that he once had a bad head injury — fifteen years ago, entirely recovered.

3am friends- is that a nonsense social media concept?

I’m feeling a lot different and a lot better - in case any randoms online are interested 😂

Good!

My circle small. People dont commit or reply to messages now. Puts you off planning things. I met a girl last year we got on great same primary school but was def a one off. She too busy I think. Anyway since all this I dont get too invested now in people.

@SeaweedSundress

It’s nothing intentionally malicious, but it’s very difficult to be around

Urgh yes. I hate this. People who are subconsciously uncomfortable with other people being happy or successful.

@EmeraldRoulette

3am friends- is that a nonsense social media concept?

No it’s shorthand for the idea that a true friend is someone you can call at 3am

Yes I understand that
but did it develop IRL or online is what I wonder.

@EmeraldRoulette

but did it develop IRL or online is what I wonder

I made it up. But I am sure I’m not the only one to use it.

Up to 40% of people are introverts. There are lots of defining features, if you like, but for me the standout one is the fact that introverts recharge alone.

Not that I am particularly in to labelling everyone and everything, but, if pressed, I would say I am an extrovert. I love a party. I am more than happy walking in to a room where I don't know anyone. I am happy to talk in a group whether I know the other people or not. I love being with people and having a chat. But, I also like to sit and read or faff about on the internet, or just sit awhile and watch the world go by. Surely everyone needs to "recharge alone" ?

I never understand people measuring friendship by whether you can call someone at 3am or not.

If ANYONE were contacting me at 3am, needing help, then I would do whatever I could to help. surely all normal people would ? This could be a neighbour I don't particularly know well, or someone I wasn't particularly close to that had decided for whatever reason I was a person who could help them. If you are calling for help at 3am, then you presumably are in a pretty desperate situation ?

Then - and I've not heard it before this thread - the 'celebrating with someone else' as a measure. I mean, aren't we all pleased to see other people happy ? Even complete strangers ?

Both seem odd measures to me.

@NewName24

Then - and I've not heard it before this thread - the 'celebrating with someone else' as a measure. I mean, aren't we all pleased to see other people happy ? Even complete strangers ?

Not necessarily no. A surprisingly large number of “friends” can be quite resentful of their peers doing well.

Have you not come across that before where a friend is pleased that you got the job but warns you that it will take over your life? Or says the guy you are dating can’t be trusted?

Not necessarily no. A surprisingly large number of “friends” can be quite resentful of their peers doing well.

Exactly @Thepeopleversuswork I’ve posted upthread in detail about my experience of friends who were clearly very unhappy and resentful over my success.

Even if someone is fortunate enough not to have experienced it, surely we’ve all seen the concept of jealousy among friends depicted in books, movies, agony aunt letters etc and even lots of threads on here? It’s not that hard to imagine.

I was never that oblivious to think it didn’t exist, I just thought it didn’t exist in my social circle. At least not against me.

I was wrong! I didn’t notice until my circumstances changed drastically but now with hindsight I can see little signs of it even when I had/achieved a lot less.

Thankfully now springcleaned my social circle so I’m confident in sharing good news with any of my friends. Including the ones in my creative hobby turned career.

Have you not come across that before where a friend is pleased that you got the job but warns you that it will take over your life?

No

Or says the guy you are dating can’t be trusted?

Yes, but they were right. That's being a good friend, in my book.

I am kind and sensitive and I had loads of friends in school, university and the early part of my career. However we moved away from my friendship network due to my husband’s job.
I now have a child who is ND and a husband who works extensively outside the home. Having a ND child that never gets invited to any play dates or parties ( no school mum friends for me) and a husband who routinely is required to work evenings and weekends has resulted in the tentative friendships I have tried to make frizzle out.

The lack of a friendship group makes me cry all the time.

your post @Newsenmum is insensitive and shows no understanding how people’s circumstances can change.

I don't think people who haven't moved around understand how it can affect friendships when everything else is in the mix @Londonlassy . It definitely does affect friendships IME.

My best friend has remained my best friend through me moving around the world, we keep in touch by phone these days, seeing each other once a year.

Any friendship that isn't solid to start with wouldn't survive that and lots of flakier friendships have fallen by the wayside along the way.

Moving is a massive issue. It's only fairly recently that it became so normal for people to move around from our loved ones as much as we do but human psychology is what it always was.