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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

taking a child to visit dad in prison

140 replies

gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 18:27

simple one, DSS has been sent to prison, up until now we have not been allowed to see GC (now 8 years old). DSS's ex is refusing to take his son to see him in prison. So DSS has asked his dad to take the child in for a prison visit.

I have said HELL NO! we've not been allowed to be in this childs life ever and i don't think prison is a place to take an 8 year old.

AIBU for refusing to facilitate this visit

OP posts:
ShutTheFuckUpCakes · 23/08/2024 18:31

I think you should take him.

Not taking him makes it a bigger scarier more shameful thing than it needs to be.

There are charities that can help explain it and support both you and your grandson.

Disclaimer - if he is in prison for sexual offences then I might change my opinion

JaydeeeeP · 23/08/2024 18:32

Does DSS ex agree to let him go? Just won't take him herself? They make it fun for kids so the kids don't really realise where they are visiting (I know this because a family members partner was sent down and she took the kids weekly to see him, the kids to this day don't know that it was prison that they visited in).

I think this is up to DSS Dad, and DSS ex. Not you unfortunately.

pinkfleece · 23/08/2024 18:32
  1. Why is he in prison?
  2. Why (being honest) have you not been allowed to see your grandson?
TheClawDecides · 23/08/2024 18:33

Do you need to facilitate it?

Your stepson asked his dad to do it.

EC22 · 23/08/2024 18:33

Respect the mothers wishes.

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 18:34

It’s perfectly OK for a child to visit a parent in prison but if you’ve literally never had contact with the child, and his mother doesn’t want him to go, how would you actually be able to make it happen anyway?

Regardless of that, it’s not up to you. It’s up to your partner who is the prisoner’s dad and the child’s grandad. You don’t have to go yourself.

Lj8893 · 23/08/2024 18:39

It completely depends on so many different factors.

  1. What was the state of the DSS and GC before the prison sentence?

  2. What type of crime?

  3. Why haven’t you had contact?

  4. is the mother of GC ok with you/DH taking him?

Prison itself is fine for a DC to visit (I did it myself as a child many times and weirdly have fond memories). But it depends on these factors, visiting a father who you don’t have much contact with is a different story to visiting a loving, doting father to maintain that relationship.

LynetteScavo · 23/08/2024 18:41

Well as you're not allowed to see the child how will this work? Your partner needs to have a conversation with the child's mother first, because ultimately it's her decision, she's the one doing the parenting.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 23/08/2024 18:41

Having been present for prison family visits, it's really not the best environment for young children especially those that don't have a really strong relationship with their parent, I wouldn't facilitate it , the only time I would is if the parent and child had a really close positive relationship and the child was really struggling without seeing mum or dad and even then I'd have to weigh up the full circumstances. It's not something I'd want my child to experience it to have normalised

Noseybookworm · 23/08/2024 18:42

I think if the child's grandfather is happy to take him/her, it's not really any of your business - it's his son and grandchild.

Original poster
gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 18:43

pinkfleece · 23/08/2024 18:32

  1. Why is he in prison?
  2. Why (being honest) have you not been allowed to see your grandson?
  1. he's in prison for sexual offences against women.
  2. DSS doesnt like me because he blames me for taking away his dad (he's a fully grown adult who moved out of the family home before i met his dad). DSS could manipulate all family members, however i was able to see through his BS. He refuses to let his DF see his GC because of me.
OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 23/08/2024 18:44

There is not enough information here to advise.

how long have gather and son been apart? Why does the mother not want to take the child for a visit? Why is the mother not maintaining relationships between her son and his extended family? Would she even consent to letting the grandparent take the child on this visit? Most importantly, does the child even want to go?

xposted

SonicTheHodgeheg · 23/08/2024 18:45

I wouldn’t do it without the mum’s consent.(It’s unclear if she’s ok with you taking the child or thinks that the child shouldn’t go)
I agree with your pov that prison isn’t a place for kids.

How long has he been sentenced for?

Original poster
gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 18:45

TheClawDecides · 23/08/2024 18:33

Do you need to facilitate it?

Your stepson asked his dad to do it.

my DH does not drive.

OP posts:
TheClawDecides · 23/08/2024 18:47

It's not clear who is asking you to facilitate the visit, and how?

TheClawDecides · 23/08/2024 18:48

X posted

Can he not use public transport or ask someone else to take him?

If he really wants to do it, he'll find a way I'm sure.

Beautiful3 · 23/08/2024 18:48

No way. Prison is not a place a small child should visit. You can help him write letters,if he wants to.

eggandchip · 23/08/2024 18:48

I went on my first prison trip when i was 4 with my mum.
She smuggled a carrot in dont ask.
Ive been to all sorts of prisons over the years as an adult not done me any harm.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 23/08/2024 18:49

gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 18:43

  1. he's in prison for sexual offences against women.
  2. DSS doesnt like me because he blames me for taking away his dad (he's a fully grown adult who moved out of the family home before i met his dad). DSS could manipulate all family members, however i was able to see through his BS. He refuses to let his DF see his GC because of me.
Show quote history

No wonder the child's mother doesn't want to take him to see his father.

Poor kid.

Hell no is the appropriate response IMO.

Your DH can go see his son all he wants, you don't have to take him and well done supporting GC's mum's decision.

pinkfleece · 23/08/2024 18:50

I wouldn't take a child to see a sex offender and I'd support that child's mother to try and cut the shitty man out of the child's life. Sorry.

Original poster
gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 18:50

Ponderingwindow · 23/08/2024 18:44

There is not enough information here to advise.

how long have gather and son been apart? Why does the mother not want to take the child for a visit? Why is the mother not maintaining relationships between her son and his extended family? Would she even consent to letting the grandparent take the child on this visit? Most importantly, does the child even want to go?

xposted

Edited

Father sees his child sparodically depending on his relationship status.

DH is only any use to his DS when he needs something (normally money).

Bio mum has agreed to visits but is not prepared to facilitate them.

Bio mum has respected her ex's decision that while me and DH are together then the child is not allowed to see his grandfather.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 23/08/2024 18:50

Xposted again. So he has two parents not looking after him.

op, you should just back as far away from this mess as you can.

JaydeeeeP · 23/08/2024 18:51

Sounds like a lot going on. No a child shouldn't visit a sex offender.

Peakypolly · 23/08/2024 18:51

Your stepson asked his dad to do it. If your DH doesn't drive he will have to use public transport/Uber. It really is not your concern and it will be nice for your DH to build a relationship with his grandson.
Prison visits for children are usually well managed and children seem happy to attend.

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