taking a child to visit dad in prison

[gameofthornes]

simple one, DSS has been sent to prison, up until now we have not been allowed to see GC (now 8 years old). DSS's ex is refusing to take his son to see him in prison. So DSS has asked his dad to take the child in for a prison visit.

I have said HELL NO! we've not been allowed to be in this childs life ever and i don't think prison is a place to take an 8 year old.

AIBU for refusing to facilitate this visit

And to be honest this isn't your GC, he is just a stranger as you haven't even seen him in 8 years. You feel like you have to consider him as such because of your DH, but really and honestly he isn't any relation to you at all.

Agreed. Stay out of it.

you are right he isn't my GC.. in the first year we were involved when SS and his EX were together, but only to provide money and equipment. After they split up, we tried maintaining a relationship with GC and his mum, but by this point she was heavily controlled still by SS. We tried a couple of years later, and managed a visit or 2 until SS caught wind and put a stop too it, so we accepted out fate. We do send gifts for birthdays and christmas but receive no acknowledgement from her or SS and we can only hope that when GC reaches an age where he wants to know who we are he gets in touch.

I wouldn’t. My dad wasn’t in prison but was in what was then called a “mental hospital”. I was taken to see him several times when I was 8 and 9. I’m 60 now and still have nightmares about it.

Op....is he on remand or sentenced?

How long is he in for if sentenced? Which prison?

This is why I hate the ‘D’ part of the acronym of most of these people. The large majority of the time they are rarely darling or dear

i always use the full title

sentanced and i will not say where or for how long

Don't do it.

My mum took me to see my dad in prison when I was 8 and I hated it.

Getting through security alone isn't something a child should be subjected to and from that experience I've always said theoretically it is not something I would ever put my child through

Well I was going to suggest prisoner video, depending on your prison

Meets everyone halfway

I don't think a stranger can give you right answer here. It depends on so many factors and if it happens it should all be done in the best interests of the child.

Could you both sit down with the child's mother and discuss it and discuss how the child feels about it?

It seems like you are stuck in the middle here OP. But i would certainly stand my ground, and keep out of it. From what you have written it appears that your DH wants to support his son because he was a shit dad to him . Well let him crack on ! . I suspect DSS has previous, or it was a serious sexual offence to receive a custodial. It all sounds like too much drama tbh.

@gameofthornes

He desperately wants a relationship with his GC as do i, but i feel we are being used and that as soon as SS walks free, then GC will be once again ripped away from us.

And this is what I'd make clear to your DH. That he is risking his heart (as it were) only in order to have it ripped apart once again.

I also wouldn't facilitate it simply because of the disrespect your not-DSS has shown you and DH, and also chances are the GC won't get much out of the visit and it may be frightening to him. If DH still wants to take him, they can find their own way there and back.

I would make it clear to DH, however, that I would never condone going behind CG's mother back and that if DH intends to take him, you will be making sure that she knows and that you had nothing to do with it. Actions have consequences.

If the family wants to vilify you, let them. Doesn't sound as if they're much of a loss anyway

I will defend my DH here. His parenting has nothing to do with the actions his son took to land himself in this position. It doesn't stop him feeling like he's somehow responsible, any decent parent man or woman would feel the same i suspect.

And you are right, it is a lot of drama and my DH and I are desperately trying to naviagate the situation as best we can and keep our relationship strong.

Sounds like you won the lottery eloping with this family… they sound like a total catch. I also don’t understand why you need to get
involved in this, it’s a problem between your DSS and your partner, let them sort it out. Personally I wouldn’t be driving a child to a prison to visit someone who completely despises me AND is in jail for sexual offences against women. Let your partner take the bus if he’s so eager.

OP. I was in no way implying that your DSS behaviour is down town your DH. Sorry if it came across that way. What I meant was - You said that your DH was a poor parent in the past and feels guilty because of this. So is he seeing this an an opportunity to build bridges with his son / rather than looking at the bigger picture (drama).. Hope that makes sense!

I have said several times.. I am not taking this child anywhere, nor am i taking my DH anywhere either. I will not be facilitating anything and I am not 'getting involved'.

My DH would never do anything behind my back, so of course he spoke to me about this issue and my thoughts on it.

I just wanted affirmation that my decision was the right one, and sometimes MN gives food for thought.

oh i am fairly certain he is not trying to build bridges.. he is under no illusion what kind of person his son is. i do understand what you were trying to say and i thnk my DH is acting out of duty and fear. its going to be a long few years i suspect

I fear you are right.

I agree that as parents we feel blame/guilt if our children 'go wrong', no matter how good or 'otherwise' our parenting was. But there comes a time in all our lives where we must 'step back' and let our children take responsibility for themselves. DSS is way past that time. DH needs to be able to let go.

Has your DH ever considered counseling to come to terms with whatever it is he thinks he did/didn't do as a father? Maybe it would help him lay to rest his fears and misplaced sense of duty.

From this thread it seems like I and the other children who have also gone through this agree that it's not a nice experience for the child.

I really don't care if it's good for the rehabilitation of the prisoners either, you don't get to put your own failings on your child.

If the child wants this then it needs facilitating

Then let OP's DH do the facilitating. And take the blame.

OP doesn't need to get involved at all, she should just stand back and let her DH and his family carry on. Especially since her DH's imprisoned son (and apparently the rest of his family) treat her with disrespect and hostility.

I agree that this needs to be completely led by the child.. if the child wants to see his father, then thats what is important. but then questions need to be answered, do you tell the child why his dad is locked up?

There is no way the child should be forced to see his dad purely because thats what his dad wants, because thats just selfish.

And yes as many have said, its nothing to do with me. I will not be facilitating this or getting involved in any way shape or form. My relationship with this family is bad enough with having this hanging over my head and probably eventually used against me in the future.

sentenced for sexual offences against women you say?
surely that’s the reason you say hell no regardless of the status of your relationship with this child and either of his parents.

From what you have said your SS has been a controlling partner to his EX and an irregular father to his child, seeing them only when it suited. He’s been unreasonable about you for no reason. He’s been convicted of a sex offence serious enough to get jail time, and by the sounds of it (family members going on about wrongful conviction etc.) is still denying the offence.

Sounds as if the wish to see the child is not about the child’s welfare but about SS ability to continue to dictate terms even from prison, to his EX, his child and his dad.

Tell your husband it’s up to him, but you are not facilitating this. Whatever your feelings and opinions are make them clear rationally but let him do what he wants without casting it up or letting it come between you and your partner,

'@gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 18:43
he's in prison for sexual offences against women.'

Say no more...

His ex is doing the right thing by not wanting the child to have any contact with a father like that.